Well I've been well and truly pissed off this week, literally. On Monday night I went to the dunny for my final slash before going to bed. As I'm happily tinkling away I look down and see RED! WT! Hmmm. That's a bit odd, I thought. Anyway, next morning I go again and I'm still seeing red. Bugger. I mention it to the missus and she's horrified. "Call the doc and make an immediate appointment" says she. Like a bloke, I'm a bit reluctant but give in to keep harmony in the marital household.
Gets the appointment with my GP and before going I pay another visit to the throne room and it's all clear, bewdy, don't have to see the quack. But, the minister for war and finance says I still gotta go.
Get to the GP for my urgent appointment and wait about an hour and a half. Gets in and he wants a P sample to test. I do a bit in the specimen jar and it's red again, shoot. He does a test of it then labels the remainder for sending to pathology. Asks all the usual questions. Everything working ok? Yep, Any pain, nope. PSA test? Yep Oct last year, Oh yes it's here on the computer, no problem there. Any past history? Yep, about 4 years ago after a particularly heavy slam on my windsurfer when I got whacked in the back, a little clotted blood next day but nothing since. Hmmm.
OK. He gives me referral to see a radiographer for an ultrasound check and also need to have a blood test.
I was able to book in for the ultrasound that day. Part of the regimen was to drink a litre of water two hours before the test. OK easy. So I'm in the waiting room at the appointed hour and I'm bustin' to go. Receptionist says you can go let a little bit out but not all of it. What?? Does she realise how hard it is to let just a little bit out. Well, I managed a little bit but jeez it was hard not to blow the lot. Anyway, I'm called in to the examination room and the nice young lady radiographer gets me to lie on the bed. She spreads the gel stuff all over my lower abdomen and starts in with the scanner. Oooooooo!! The pressure has built up again. She moving this scanner thing all over and I have a massive urgency now to let loose.
She says she's almost done but I don't believe her. Does she really want a crimson shower right there and then?
Anyway I only just manage to hold of when she says I can go let it all out. Whack-o the diddle-o. I'm into the dunny and hosing that porcelain like its on fire
She's not finished yet, wants to do it all again but empty this time. Don't care, I'm literally relieved.
That night, still red but not as much. That was Tuesday.
Wednesday all clear - whew. Go for blood test.
Thursday. Still clear.
Friday. Follow up with GP for results of tests but first he wants to do his party trick with the rubber glove and gel. UGH. When he's done he gives me the news. Nothin'. Not a thing wrong anywhere. Ultrasound clear, blood test normal, PSA test within normal range and more normal than last time. Digital inspection all ok. Prostate was a little larger than normal but with no abnormality evident. Apart from the effects of rheumatoid arthritis from 10 years ago, I'm a fit and healthy 65 year old. You're good to go he says but, he goes on, I'm referring you to a urologist so he can have a peek up your Peter, just to be sure.
Will the indignity never end?
So, I'm still not in the clear quite yet and that pisses me off.
