From Trevor's mom. It's long, but worth a read.
Please, don't drink and drive. And always, always, always wear a helmet. The next time someone uses the argument "Eh...it's my choice. I ain't hurting nobody but me!", remember this letter that Trevor's mom had to write.
Trevor update: This is a very long post. It's a letter I sent to Nathan Ray, Trevor's offender several years ago when he was trying to get a furlough (five day break from prison). I was disgusted and overwhelmed to learn that this existed in the correctional system in Arkansas. We quickly completed the paperwork to protest it and were grateful it was denied. What many people aren't aware of is that victims who need a sense of justice in order to heal are not the concern of the justice system. The system is designed to assist the offender regardless of their intentions to truly change or simply manipulate the system. And so that is the impetus for this post. We were recently notified that Nathan has been moved to a facility that prepares inmates for release. His first date to request parole is 10/17/19 and in anticipation of that we received a letter from Nathan. It was not the letter I'd hoped Trevor would receive but what I expected from a deeply narcissistic person who seems incapable of self awareness or empathy. The groundwork for that parole hearing is being laid by Nathan and so I am begining my own. I had honestly hoped that the letter would be the begining of forgiveness and healing for Trevor and Nathan. However a cloud of doubt quickly cast a shadow as I noticed the thinness of the envelope and my heart dropped as I read the brief "apology" that took less than two thirds of the page. The letter I sent was never responded to and Nathan's letter did not mention it or any of the info I provided him about Trevor. Please keep us in your prayers. I am not seeking vengeance, I simply want a measure of justice that will allow us to move on and allow for forgiveness. Your support has meant so much to us and I hope that as this event draws nearer you will all stand with Trevor and pray that Nathan finds authentic redemption.
Nathan Ray,
I can’t make you read this but I hope that you do. Trevor deserves that.
A few months ago we were notified you think you deserve a meritorious furlough. I want you to know why you don’t and why I will do everything I can to make sure you don’t get one during your incarceration. I don’t understand why offenders are allowed to focus so much on themselves without having to face the realities of what they have done. How does any real, lasting change come from a system like that? You’ve completed multiple programs it seems. Communication, Mental Health, Anger Management and Thinking Errors Group. We were informed you were also going to receive substance abuse counseling. All about you. What about your victims? Do any of these opportunities require you to think about Trevor or Brian? Their families? You have done such great harm Nathan. You have been given such undeserved opportunities. It’s time you accept responsibility. And I mean really accept it. You will never be a changed man unless you do.
I think it’s time you learned a little about what you have done to Trevor and what he’s been doing while you are busy being “rehabilitated” and working the prison system and what the possibility of a furlough puts him through.
Trevor still can’t walk without a lot of help. He is using a walker but will fall without someone next to him to catch him. He practices for hours every day. He can’t go very far before his back starts to hurt but he doesn’t stop. He has fallen down multiple times in the last few months because the damage to his brain makes him very impulsive now. It’s terrifying. He’s had multiple brain surgeries and half a dozen other procedures. Cut and sewn back up multiple times. He still can’t use the bathroom without help. He is humiliated by this and always apologizes for needing help. Every time.
His left arm has limited motion and his right shakes often. He breaks things, drops things and spills things all day long, over and over. He needs help eating his food and he still can’t play his bass, maybe he never will again. He was really good. I mean REALLY good. It’s not just the issues with his arms. Looking at his bass guitar (which he built) makes him either sad or angry. Something that gave him so much happiness and confidence is very painful to him now.
Once he woke from the coma and was able to speak (November of 2012), he started saying every single day, many times a day, that this is not a life worth living, he wishes he were dead. So many times he’s asked me to kill him. Right now, because he is taking a lot of medication he doesn’t say those things as often. Sometimes he asks if we’ve died and gone to hell. He rarely laughs and has a very grim and frightened view of the future. Trevor was hysterically funny. Not hearing him laugh or being able to laugh with him hurts so much. It’s so ironic that he has to take all of the pills. Trevor didn’t do any drugs before you ran him down. It was an important choice to him. You took that away. For that alone you do not deserve any furloughs but there is so much more damage and trauma.
You took all of the important choices in life away from Trevor. Being able to work at what he loved (building motorcycles), getting married, having kids, where he lives, how he moves around, seeing his friends, playing music, road trips. All of those things have either been taken away or restricted by what you did to him. You may have the chance to have kids someday. He won’t because of you. His younger brother has autism. He will not be able to take care of his brother after I die as he planned. I will never be a grandmother. Because of you.
You can’t imagine how hard it is just to do everyday things. Getting dressed. It takes him minutes to put on a shirt. How long does it take you? He still can’t put on his socks or shoes but he works at it every day. Do you ever even think about your socks? Going to the store, or anywhere for that matter, takes time. Life gets even more difficult when it’s raining, cold, icy, snowing. He can never just get up and go. Opening doors, getting to the car, getting in the car, finding the spot where we can get the wheelchair onto the walkway, if there is a walkway. Nothing is done quickly. Nothing. The next time you stand up take 10 to 15 seconds to do it. Imagine doing that EVERY TIME you want to stand. Think about all the places he can’t go, period. He loved National Parks. So many beautiful places he saw that he will probably never be able to see again because a wheelchair or unsteady person with a walker can’t reach them. Homes he can’t go to because of stairs. Gravel and grass. You can’t imagine how hard it is to push a wheelchair or walker over them. Inclines, ramps. It is work. Imagine waiting for someone to help you get out of bed, feed you, help you to the bathroom, go outside, get a drink of water, always waiting. Imagine knowing this may never change for the rest of your life and you’re only 32. Imagine waking up in the morning and getting out of bed knowing you face all those limitations.
His home. It looks like an 80 year old invalid lives there. Medical equipment no 32 year old man should own. Grab bars, motorized bed, walker, wheelchair, bibs, handrails, a dozen prescriptions, gait belts and the white boards. Those are probably the things I most want you to know about.
We use white boards to write important information on. Things like the day of the week or what appointments he has. We have to do this because the brain injury took away his memories. Short and long term. Trevor has no real memories anymore. No details. Especially from the last 10 years. He doesn’t remember how he met the girlfriend he had for almost 11 years (she left over 2 years ago). He doesn’t remember the amazing things he did during his many road trips across the country. He can’t tell any of the great stories he had. He doesn’t really remember playing or recording music with his best friends and bandmates or rebuilding motorcycles. He knows he did some of those things but he doesn’t really have memories of them. You took away his memories. You took away the story of his life.Think about that for a moment... Do you have a special memory of your sister, your nephews, friends, family, being in the military? I’ll tell you just one story I used to love hearing Trevor tell. He took a long road trip through the southwest on his beloved Honda CB550 motorcycle he named DeeDee. He was in New Mexico riding a two lane hwy. and took a dirt road just to see where it would go. It led to a Catholic convent. As Trevor parked his bike a nun came out and invited him in. He sat with a group of the sisters in the chapel and sang hymns for a half hour and was then invited to lunch. Then he got back on his bike and went on his way. He doesn’t remember that anymore Nathan. None of it. He’s seen pictures he took there and has read the blog he wrote about it but he doesn’t have it in his mind anymore. You are responsible for that. You don’t deserve any meritorious furloughs.
He asks questions. The same questions over and over and over all day long. He asks them because he can’t remember but also because he’s scared. One of the questions he asks every day is what will happen to him when I die? Where will he go? Into a nursing home? All he really has for certain Nathan, is me. Friends and family are overwhelmed by the changes in Trevor. His personality has been damaged and many of the people most able to help him heal have moved on. Police have been called over his outbursts in public multiple times. We are detained and I have to prove I am his mother. Some people I thought I could count on aren’t able or willing. Only one gives me any hope he won’t be institutionalized when I’m gone. This level of tragedy isolates it’s victims. It’s brutal to look at his face and see the loneliness. It causes a pain I don’t know how to describe to you. I’m able to do many things for him but I’m powerless to make others remember him, reach out to him, to accept him as he is, to love him. Imagine what someone would have to give up to care for him. He is scared. He is angry. His future is uncertain. He is physically damaged, emotionally damaged. And it’s because of you.
We were told it would take about 4 million dollars to make sure Trevor had proper care and support the rest of his life. The settlement we had to fight so hard for wasn’t anywhere near that ballpark. After everyone took their cut and the hospital bills got paid (just from these first few years), and a very modest home was found (that strangers had to approve), there isn’t a lot left to last the rest of Trevor’s life. There’s supposed to be 75k from you someday, not because of his lawyer or the prosecutor, that was my stipulation. Not a sure thing I think, but hopefully a consequence that will make you remember Trevor for awhile. That’s all there is for the rest of his life aside from a small monthly disability income. What’s left of the settlement is controlled by strangers at a financial institution. He has to ask strangers for permission to spend even a penny. It wouldn’t take very long for a serious medical procedure or move to a long term care facility to wipe out what is left. Trevor never cared about money though. Not like you and your family. He wasn’t materialistic. He worked hard at what he loved because it made him happy. Again, something so ironic. He never cared about money and now he desperately needs it to be taken care of in a dignified way. He cared about having great experiences, being creative and the people he loved. Have you ever been in a nursing home? It is heartbreaking. Thinking of Trevor ever going to one makes me physically ill. It would be over my dead body. It’s what might happen after I die that continues to make me cry and lose sleep. I haven’t slept through the night in over three years. Have you?You do not deserve a furlough. You do not deserve yet another chance to hurt or kill, but you will get it eventually. You horribly damaged a unique, very loved and needed young man, son, brother, grandson, friend, cousin. You do not deserve a furlough.
You’ve never made any attempt to apologize to Trevor. You’ve never even had to look him in the eye. You’ve shown no remorse. I want you to know we met several people in the months after you hurt Trevor that knew you. None of them said anything good about you. No one said you were a good guy who made a horrible mistake and felt terrible about it. They said you were a bully, a drunk and that your family enabled you. A teacher who worked at one of your schools said you had a meanness in you and she was not surprised to hear what you had done. I talk to Brian’s dad regularly. He wanted to help you. In spite of what you did to his son. He’s devastated that Trevor was hurt because you were back in Arkansas after working the system and his family. He said once you got to go back to Arkansas he never heard from you or your family again. He believes you are unremorseful. I know from watching you and listening to you at your deposition that what he and all of those people say is true. You were arrogant, boastful and made many excuses. You showed no emotion. How you could sit across from me and not express shame and regret for what you did to my son, my child? You said nothing to me (although you were given several opportunities ) until your lawyer prompted you to say something. And what you said? You said that although I thought you left my son on the road to die you were “not that guy”. Yes. You. Are. You are the guy who rammed your car into my son’s motorcycle and watched his body fly violently backwards, smashing his head into the windshield and then falling onto the asphalt. I’ve listened to 911 calls reporting your speeding, reckless, drunken driving. One caller repeatedly referred to the dead body in the road. You didn’t stop for him, you didn’t call for help. He laid bleeding, with his brain swelling, in the middle of that interstate, ALONE. You pushed his motorcycle which was lodged in your car’s grill to the next exit. I’ve wondered how that sounded. You drove home and went to bed. You. You did that and you are “that guy”.
Later Trevor met your parents. He sat across from your parents the way I sat across from you. He wanted to know why they gave you unprotected access to multiple vehicles knowing your history and your most recent drunk driving arrest that resulted in your car being totaled. He wanted to know why they didn’t even have enough concern to at least make sure a blow stick was installed first. What kind of people cared so little about the actual harm you’ve done and potential for harm there was? He thought they would apologize. It would have made him feel better. They didn’t, but Trevor still offered them kindness. The opportunity he gave them was ignored and exposed their lack of character. Every one in that room knew it. Instead of expressing regret, remorse or any responsibility they were cowardly, arrogant and superficial. Without that Mercedes in the driveway Trevor would be whole. You are just like them, cowardly, arrogant and superficial. You do not deserve any furloughs.
It’s time you take responsibility for what you have done. Stop trying to make things easier for yourself and think about your victims. Trevor and Brian and everyone who loves them. The idea of you walking out of your facility to spend time with the people who enable you is unimaginable. Even the thought of it causes Trevor significant pain. It robs us of any emotional peace we may have gained. Getting furlough to see your grandfather and attend his funeral was bad enough. You should know that Trevor’s paternal grandfather was ill for about a month and then died while Trevor was in the coma you caused. Trevor could not get a furlough to see his grandpa one more time or pay his respects at his funeral. This was Trevor’s grandpa on his daddy’s side. That man died knowing his grandson had a horrible head injury very much like the one that killed his son, Trevor’s daddy, in 1988. Trevor is living his worst nightmare. I am too. You do not deserve any furloughs.
Trevor’s attorney in the civil case also tried to give you a break you didn’t deserve. He sympathetically claimed your drunken, criminal life seemed to indicate you were possibly suicidal. I have no words for the disgust that washed over me. I immediately responded that I found just the opposite to be more likely. You seem homicidal. You don’t kill or maim yourself. Just other people. And then you make excuses and try to get privileges instead of accepting the consequences. I would have fired him but he threatened to sue us. Trevor deserved so much better. Ultimately he reminded me very much of your parents and seemed to share their values. Because of you Trevor has been in the hands of a system full of strangers with power over his life and values he would never share. You may have some understanding of the fear that creates. Trevor knows it only because of you and he will experience it for the rest of his life.
We did not want you to get a plea deal. The prosecutors did not give us a choice. In fact we were threatened with being excluded from the process for trying to fight for Trevor and bringing media attention to the case. We were very confident that you would be found guilty and sentenced to the maximum 42 years if a trial had taken place. In exchange for what you have done to Trevor that is so little, and yet you face so much less. You can NEVER restore what you took away from Trevor. You can’t give him back his physical health, his independence, his memories or the future he deserved. The future he earned. You owe him a debt Nathan. This isn’t just about your experience in prison, it’s about what you did to another human being and your responsibility to him. You can’t physically heal him but you can prevent it from being even worse emotionally. Do you believe seven years is enough time to make up for what you took from him? Stop trying to minimize your consequences and think about his. You can give him some peace of mind knowing that you will be incarcerated at least until August 2019.
It’s time you face what you have done to Trevor. I’m including some photos that will leave no doubt about the suffering and loss Trevor has experienced because of you. If you start to feel sorry for yourself or proud of yourself take a good hard look at those pictures. Your days in prison pale in comparison. Don’t ask for or accept any more privileges. Do the one thing you can for Trevor (and his family and Brian’s family). Stay where you can’t hurt anyone else, for awhile at least. Serve every single day of your minimum sentence. Trevor deserves some small measure of justice. Right now you are a man without honor or decency. You don’t want to be That Guy? Prove it. Stop asking for privileges and serve AT LEAST your minimum sentence. No more furloughs.
Signed,
Pamela Ware
Trevor’s mother and caregiver
