1. A Catholic boy in confession says, Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister. That's a disgrace, said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers.
2. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
3. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
4. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ?#$%* it, soldier on!
5. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didnt know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.
6. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
7. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
8. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
9. A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
10. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
11. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
