Hi John. Feeling stuck? Not able to get anything started, let alone finished? Fine one minute, then overcome with emotion and tears the next with no reason? I hear you mate. I seem to have a couple of days where I'm feeling stronger, then I'll wake up like I did yesterday and BAM!, right back down there again.
You'd think, as a psychiatric nurse, I'd have the edge on most people and know what to expect. God knows I've supported a lot of people in their grief over the years. It's been a humbling experience for me to realise that no amount of training and experience can possibly get you anywhere near to understanding what grief really is - you've really got to experience it for yourself to understand it.
I know in a previous thread concerning the death of Robin Williams I took what I now recognise as a somewhat arrogant and bullish standpoint on death and depression based upon my self-proclaimed expertise on the subject. To anyone I may have offended or rubbed up the wrong way during that discussion I most sincerely apologise, I now know I was talking out of my backside and it just proves you're never too old to learn.
The AA type bereavement groups sound like a good option - better to seek support from someone who is/has been there (never thought I'd hear myself saying that!). In fact, if things don't improve for me soon I may see what's available on this side of the pond.
Being in my trade I do have access to some good advice. I was talking to a colleague today, and she suggested the loss of a loved one was not just sad, but traumatic. She witnessed her daughter, aged 13, being given CPR after a fall from a horse. Luckily the little girl survived, but the moment stayed with my colleague and she ended up seeking professional help for PTSD. Her counsellor gave her this analogy:
When you experience trauma, you relive it over and over. It's like your brain makes a VHS tape that it wants to play back again and again. But like a VHS tape, the playback becomes grainy with wear over time, as your memory and recall of the events naturally begin to fade and become less clear. With the poorer quality playback, your brain restarts the tape less frequently, until eventually it all but stops.
She said this analogy helped her through, and whilst she'll never forget, things have got better. I repeat it here because for me it helps to understand the process I am going through, and gives me hope that the pain will fade with time. Hope it might help you too.
