I’d like to share something with you guys.
Even though I’ve been a member here since 2006, the forum has never been as important to me as it has in the last three weeks. You guys have helped me more than you could ever know.
On November 22nd my eldest son, from my first marriage, died in his sleep from the chronic asthma that had plagued him all his life. He was just 31 years old.
I hadn’t seen Darryl for several years. His mum and me split when he was a baby, but I had him over regularly until he was around 17, by which time it had become apparent he was developing mental health problems. As he grew older he became unpredictable and violent, and he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He was jailed for his part in nearly killing a guy. I had three young kids at home, and couldn’t risk having their half-brother in their lives, so I put them first and didn’t have any further contact with Darryl. I heard nothing more until I got the phone call three weeks ago.
Last week I went to see my son in the mortuary. Not the young fresh faced lad I remembered. A big man, a hard man with a face bearing the scars of his violent past. But in there I could still see the child I helped bring into the world, and I had the talk with him that I had always hoped to have the opportunity to do, albeit one-sided. I explained to him why I had not been in his life, told him he had always been in my thoughts. It’s not right that you should out-live your kids.
The funeral was today. I wasn't looking forward to it. It was the first time my wife and ex-wife have met. I took my 80 year old mother too, she was a big part of his early years and wanted to pay her respects. I didn't know what to expect, or how I would be received. I needn't have worried. Everyone was so kind and welcoming, especially my ex-wife and her family. The funeral was beautiful, Darryl was brought into the church in a wicker coffin to the soundtrack of ‘Shine on you Crazy Diamond’ by Pink Floyd. His mother and I had both been Floyd freaks when we were young.
I haven't been able to focus on anything in the last few weeks. I haven’t been able to work. I start to do things around the home and two minutes later I’ve lost interest. Memories overwhelm me constantly, and there have been many tears and many a sleepless night.
Which brings me to the point of this post. The only constant I have had is this forum, which I have visited every day. I’m not overstating it; coming here has preserved some order in the chaos and provided an escape from my thoughts. Seeing some recent posts from those who have experienced loss makes me realise that I am not the only one who values the camaraderie and friendship on this site, often from members we have never met and are probably never likely to.
Now that’s special, and something we should be proud of. Thanks fellas.
