# I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
# A government survey has shown that 75% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.
# I got sacked from my job as a Bingo Caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view," is not the way to call number 69.
# I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.
# Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror - we had six matching balls.
# Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).
# Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at Snooker!
# Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
# If you get an email telling you that you can catch 'swine flu' from tins of ham then delete it - it's spam.
# They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this 'beer gut'.
#Was having dinner with my 21 year old girlfriend the other night when a person I know shocked me by calling me a paedophile! It really spoilt our 10-year anniversary dinner.
