Thanks for everyone's help so far. Plastigauge checks out, all the bearings are at the first measurement on the paper or a tiny bit less, so~.06mm.
Two things when I did this that I noticed. I borrowed a digital torque wrench from work that still had the calibration seal on it and set the bolts to the low end of the range. Bolts were cleaned and the threads were cleaned out pretty well, so just a small amount of the stainless compound in there. Once I got everything to torque and backed off the bolts I can verify that none of them were anywhere near that torque when I first disassembled the engine. Like half, at most.
Second, I had my manual in front of me to get the tightening order and noticed that the two bolts on the alternator side of the motor are supposed to have a '9' stamped in them and the manual says to make sure those bolts go in those holes. I'm using 10 identical bolts - are those two a little bit longer or something? That is the side that was wobbling in the video (and the seal that was leaking).