Dear Santa:
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 7 for Christmas. I hope you will remember all this come Christmas morning.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
Dear Timmy:
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine .... and thank you for asking about them.
Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat.
Since you have indeed been a pretty good boy, I think I'll bring you something with which you can go outside and play.
Merry Christmas,
Santa
Mr. Claus:
Seeing that I have fulfilled the 'naughty vs nice' contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to grant me what I have asked for.
I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.
In addition, don't you think that a jibe at my weight is a bit trite considering your own obesity?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
Mr. Jones:
While I acknowledge you have reasonably met the 'nice' criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is simply a REQUEST and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided.
Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident. We will be more than happy to take you on in open court.
Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills, and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of a Burger King fry bin.
Very truly yours,
S. Claus
Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you got personal. Now, you just be disrespecting me.
I'm about to tweet my boys and we's gonna be waitin' for your fat ass and takin' my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want .... whatever I want, man.
T-Bone
Listen, Pizza Face:
Seriously??? You think a dude who breaks into every house in the world on ONE night and never gets caught sweats a gang-banger wannabe?
He sees you when you're sleeping....he knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius?
You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your #$%* wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people in such a way that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up those Totino's pizza rolls you been eatin'.
You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp your ass.
Chew on that, Petunia
S. Clizzy
Dearest Santa:
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Love,
Timmy
Dear Timmy:
That's what I thought .... you little bastard.
Santa
