Alright, here's a list of updates:
All of my wiring checks out perfectly, no crossed wires, no loose connections, everything is routed exactly where it should be.
Both valve and ignition timing are set as close as I could possibly get it, near perfect for static timing.
All cylinders are at TDC when they're supposed to be.
If I take the carbs off and spray starting fluid directly into the intake boots, the engine speeds up and pops out of the exhaust with little puffs of smoke. Also some smoke puffs out of the intake boots. But still not running.
When the carbs are reinstalled, it doesn't want to do anything, even with starting fluid. Which kind of sounds like an air problem to me?
Just for good faith, I swapped the blue and yellow connections and got flames out of the carbs, so I know it's not that being swapped.
The coils are going to the correct cylinders. 1-4 and 2-3.
Sorry I haven't posted any photos, I'm not sure how to do it. Very unfamiliar with photo bucket and I can only work off mobile right now.