We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting,
you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 10 metres to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
AIR RAID:
When you sit down to poop and only farts come out.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other
poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not
to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it .Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side
effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very
uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone
who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the
stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
SPLASH GUARD:
The 3-6 squares of toilet paper place on top of the water as a buffer between the cold unforgiving water and the pooper. Also a good deterrant for the loud splash of the WATERMELON.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival
Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
