Author Topic: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.  (Read 160279 times)

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Offline 34barab

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #575 on: July 21, 2021, 12:01:43 PM »
+1
Current Projects: 1973 CB750K3; 1972 CB350K4; 1980 CX500D;1969 CB750.  Roadworthy: 1971 CB750K1

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #576 on: July 21, 2021, 04:13:43 PM »
;
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Offline RAFster122s

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #577 on: July 21, 2021, 06:17:39 PM »
What's the difference between a lawyer dead in the middle of the road and a dog dead in the middle of the road?
There are fifty feet of skid mark before the dog.

What do you have when you have 12 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Clearly not enough sand.

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.


Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


What's the difference between a a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.


What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.


How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
You cut the rope.


There are only three lawyer jokes, the rest are true stories.
David- back in the desert SW!

Offline Don R

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #578 on: July 22, 2021, 11:36:45 AM »
 Did you know there are no Canaries in the Canary islands? Same with the Virgin Islands, no Canaries there either.
No matter how many times you paint over a shadow, it's still there.
 CEO at the no kill motorcycle shop.
 You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Offline Ichiban 4

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #579 on: July 22, 2021, 06:57:43 PM »
Did you know there are no Canaries in the Canary islands? Same with the Virgin Islands, no Canaries there either.
That's precious Don LOL
Ichi
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Offline Don R

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #580 on: July 23, 2021, 09:43:27 AM »
 I lost my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
No matter how many times you paint over a shadow, it's still there.
 CEO at the no kill motorcycle shop.
 You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #581 on: July 25, 2021, 03:19:23 AM »
This lady comes to a police station:

"I want to report crime.  I was forced to have sex with ten men!"

"Don't worry, give us all the information and we will catch them all."

"But I don't need all of them, only number three, four and seven."


Prokop
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Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #582 on: July 26, 2021, 10:23:21 AM »
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
Prokop
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I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #583 on: July 26, 2021, 06:18:00 PM »
Very good. ;D
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #584 on: July 28, 2021, 09:01:34 AM »
 ;D
Prokop
_______________
Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #585 on: July 28, 2021, 09:02:04 AM »
;
Prokop
_______________
Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline RAFster122s

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #586 on: July 28, 2021, 11:47:25 AM »
 :)
David- back in the desert SW!

Offline RAFster122s

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #587 on: July 28, 2021, 11:50:05 AM »
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded.

'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged.. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
David- back in the desert SW!

Offline RAFster122s

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #588 on: July 28, 2021, 11:51:54 AM »
 8)
David- back in the desert SW!

Offline RAFster122s

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #589 on: July 28, 2021, 11:54:53 AM »
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
David- back in the desert SW!

Offline HondaMan

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Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #591 on: August 02, 2021, 03:46:28 AM »
Frank by Terry Prendergast, on Flickr
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #592 on: August 03, 2021, 10:25:20 AM »
Scientist decided that the Moon is ever increasing the distance from the Earth.  According to the theory, the Moon was orbiting the Earth approximately 10 yards above the surface only 85 million years ago.

That explains the extinction of dinosaurs - especially the tall ones.
Prokop
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I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #593 on: August 04, 2021, 09:46:06 AM »
;
Prokop
_______________
Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline Old Moe Toe

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #594 on: August 04, 2021, 05:22:14 PM »
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Offline dave500

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #595 on: August 05, 2021, 12:32:23 AM »
im gonna get me an electric fence!!

Offline Magpie

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #596 on: August 05, 2021, 09:02:31 AM »
Hooker says "Faster,faster!"
Girl friend says "Deeper, deeper!"
Wife says "The ceilng needs painting!"

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #597 on: August 05, 2021, 09:03:52 AM »
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting.  No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.  No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone:
"Eric, hang up that damn phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Prokop
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Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline gpzkat

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #598 on: August 05, 2021, 11:54:59 AM »
Groaners....

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.  When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!  Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 little people are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Offline ghostdevil273

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #599 on: August 05, 2021, 01:15:07 PM »
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
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1973 HD XLCH1000 Sporty kickonly (MayBelle)