Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy #$%*, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting #$%*-faced from all the beer.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, is standing behind me with fresh refills. She must weigh 300 pounds and is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I #$%* myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: Ho hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili
Judge #1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
Frank: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
