(This was originally intended for Terry's inbox, but it got too long and he'd never read it there.)
A TRUE STORY
I could see her there, behind the plexi-glass window. Even before I opened the front doors to push my packages through I could see her head turning to catch me with her evil squinty eyed glare. Pig Faced Demon Lady.
As I got near the front of the line I could see her, ignoring her own customer at the window in order to push her bloated carcass a little higher so she could peer over the counter at my packages on the floor. She was not interested in any of the other 15 people in line today. She was locked in on ME and I could see her licking the taste of blood from her lips. Pig Faced Demon Lady.
Happy indeed was I when the poor sap in front of me got called to her window. Today I would be helped by sweet old Clementina four windows down. Far, far away from..... Pig Faced Demon Lady.
As I pushed my pile of large, yet amazingly light, boxes towards the warm glowing haven that was Clementina's domain I felt a cold chill and a dark shadow passed in the corner of my eye. I turned my head, slowly, fearful of what my mind told me I would see. At first I only saw the poor sap who had stood in front of me in line, his arms in the air and a look of bewilderment on his face, his gaze following something moving behind the counter. Something that was moving towards Clementina. Something with a cloth measuring strip in one hand, a shipping regulations book tightly clutched in the other. It was.......Pig Faced Demon Lady.
I began to perspire and my hands shook slightly as I lifted my first box into the revolving cube cut into the plexi-glass wall that seperated me from the horror that now stood so close behind it. Suddenly it became clear to me just who the architects of this hellish space had meant to protect by installing the 2 inch thick barrier that seperated the bowels of the post office from the fresh, clean air of the lobby. The architects had intended to protect ME....from Pig Faced Demon Lady.
As I spun the cube containing my first package I could hear the demon spew "79 INCHES" at Clementina as it waved the limp measuring strip at my box. I felt my bowels loosen as I sidestepped to the window, clenching tightly as I moved in a feeble attempt to regain control. I now stood in front of Clementina and the demon, and watched as the demon loosely applied the measuring cloth to the box I had just surrendered. The demon was gurgling out numbers that did not make sense in regards to my now helpless 20x14x14 pristine white box. "LENGTH... Twenty-wan inchessss" "GIRTH...Fiftee-nyn inchesss" "Tow-Tull....A-T inchessss" "TOO BIG, NO SHIP, 80 inchesss,79 inchesss MAXIMUM, 80 inchesss NO SHIP".
Damn You! Damn you back to the dead,festering black womb of the disease ridden she-hag monster that birthed you to ooze filth and wretched despair upon our peaceful planet. Damn you Pig Faced Demon Lady, Damn you!
Until that moment I had not been the type of fellow who listened when people blathered about such things as divine intervention, but something happened just then that made me belive there might just be a god. No sooner had the last "NO SHIP" belched forth from the demon's lips when a loud rapping sound came from my left, four windows down. The poor sap who the demon had left so ungraciously was now banging on the plexiglass with his right hand while angrily displaying his wristwatch on his left forearm. Distracted by this new adversary that obviously needed it's blood and guts spilled upon the gray lobby floor, the demon hissed it's retreat back towards it's steaming lair. Back towards the poor sap who was yet unaware that he had just initiated his own demise at the hand, or stub, or claw of the Pig Faced Demon Lady.
I stood for a moment, not quite sure what to do. In the previous instant I had been face to face with certain postal death and yet here I stood, still breathing, still with a fighting chance. I gathered myself as best I could and turned my attention to Clementina who had been standing there quietly the entire time. I won't say I pleaded, but I felt I did as I asked Clementina "Could you measure that again for me? It measured 76 inches at home. All of my boxes are very close to maximum but they all measure under 79 inches".
I held my breath as she tightly stretched the measuring cloth against my package and counted off numbers "lenght, 20 inches" "girth, 57 inches" "total, 77 inches". This last part, the "total, 77 inches" part, she spoke while turning her head in the direction of the Pig Faced Demon, shaking it imperceptively from side to side as if to say "tsk,tsk Pig Faced Demon Lady. Tsk, tsk" God bless you, Clementina. A thousand blessings on you and your family.
And, Clementina, a special place will always be in my heart for you, for not even bothering to measure the remaining two boxes that I shipped today. Especially the last box, the box I had purposely saved for last, the box that no matter how I wrapped the tape or squashed the edges down still came up measuring 79.5 inches. Sweet, sweet Clementina. Thank you.
Visions of the Pig Faced Demon Lady digging through boxes after closing time, searching for my helpless pristine white boxes with a measuring tape clenched tightly against her wretched bosom still haunt me as I type this. I know victory can not be claimed until those boxes arrive safe on Terry's doorstep in Mill Park. But as I opened the door and entered the sweet Springtime air, leaving behind the confines of dark, dank Piedmont post office I found these words ushering forth from my lips, at first quietly but growing louder with each step I took away from that evil lair...
"Eat me, Pig Faced Demon Lady, eat me. Eat me until you can eat no more and then EAT ME SOME MORE! And when your guts expand and explode and spill on the ground in steaming, fetid pools of filth and you wallow and writhe in your own ruin......eat me. Until next week when I come back with Terry's JPNS-1 seat, EAT ME!!!!!"
Terry, the stuff for paint is on it's way.
