At least it makes me happy that I have figured it out, bu
MAN do I feel stupid right now.
Remember how earlier I said:
...My drunk neighbor was not helping...
Yes, I'm going to blame him. He had me confused....
... I was turning the engine the wrong direction.

I reversed everything that I had previously done (set the plate back to normal) and the timing was almost right on without even having to adjust it for 1-4 (2-3 took a small tweak, but not much. It's currently 34 degrees. The bike has not run since July or August, and it only took about 4 seconds of spinning before it started to run.
Now I've just got to get a spare wire so I can run the timing light to get it dialed right in.
MAN I feel stupid.

Thanks all for your help!