Topic: ABBOTT & COSTELLO

[Jonesy]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"......

[kslrr]

That's pretty good.  Has that same flow and twist and sound of frustration on Lou's part of the original sketch.  Did you come up with this?

[dusterdude]

hilarious

[nickjtc]

Jonesy, you have way too much time on your hands!. Very well put together.

[Jonesy]

Actually it was sent to me a while back. Was cleaning out old e-mails and thought  others would get a laugh from it as well.

I can only wish I was that creative...

[medic09]

Great!   

[bill440cars]

          Jonesy,

                I remember "Who's on first" very well and that one you posted was "Fantastic!" Thanks for posting that one! In their own way Abbott & Costello were quite a comical pair!

                                                      Later on, Bill

[burmashave]

Jonsey, I had caught that before, but it was worth reading again.  I miss them.  A few months ago, I caught a bit of theirs I had never seen.  Bud asks Lou to loan him $50.  Lou only has $35, so Bud takes it and tells Lou that he can owe him the other $15.  This continues until Bud has the $35, and Lou owes him $50.  They were geniuses.

[medic09]

Jonsey, I had caught that before, but it was worth reading again.  I miss them.  A few months ago, I caught a bit of theirs I had never seen.  Bud asks Lou to loan him $50.  Lou only has $35, so Bud takes it and tells Lou that he can owe him the other $15.  This continues until Bud has the $35, and Lou owes him $50.  They were geniuses.

They really were geniuses. 

[Steve F]

Just for grins.........

[bill440cars]

         

Just for grins.........

             Hey Steve, thanks for that. I remember how it went but, I'm sure that there are some who don't.
                                                             Later on, Bill

[Steve F]

Jonsey, I had caught that before, but it was worth reading again.  I miss them.  A few months ago, I caught a bit of theirs I had never seen.  Bud asks Lou to loan him $50.  Lou only has $35, so Bud takes it and tells Lou that he can owe him the other $15.  This continues until Bud has the $35, and Lou owes him $50.  They were geniuses.

've never heard of that one, and tried to find it by doing a Google search, and came up with nothing.  Do you know if there's anything on youtube of this?

[burmashave]

Jonsey, I had caught that before, but it was worth reading again.  I miss them.  A few months ago, I caught a bit of theirs I had never seen.  Bud asks Lou to loan him $50.  Lou only has $35, so Bud takes it and tells Lou that he can owe him the other $15.  This continues until Bud has the $35, and Lou owes him $50.  They were geniuses.

've never heard of that one, and tried to find it by doing a Google search, and came up with nothing.  Do you know if there's anything on youtube of this?

I think it might have been Buck Privates with the Andrews Sisters of Bugle Boy fame.  I pulled this from the memorable quotes in Buck Privates:
Slicker Smith: You're 40 years-old and you're in love with this little girl that's 10 years-old. You're four times as old as that girl and you couldn't marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown: Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith: All right- you're 40 years-old, you're four times as old as this girl, and you can't marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl's 15 and you're 45. You're only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you're at 60. You're only twice as old as that little girl.
Herbie Brown: She's catching up.
Slicker Smith: Yes, yes. Now here's the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown: Now what kinda question is that? That's ridiculous!
Slicker Smith: Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown: If I wait for that girl she'll pass me up. She'll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith: What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown: She'll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith: Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown: ...I was nice enough to wait for her!
Reading the bit above, you can just picture Costello mugging that last line. :-)

As for the bit about the $50 loan, if it's not in Buck Privates, they did a similar one on their show about loaning 50 cents.  The movie version is, of course, a bit more polished.

This one is one of my favorites: "I'm a loafer"