Topic: My Dad's Situation, "At Rehab" UPDATE!

[Uncle Ernie]

You
are
preaching
to
the
choir

My brother is an incompetent control freak.  Now that Mom is gone, I'm so happy I never have to deal with him again.  What a putz.  A schlamozzle.  Paranoid *bleep*. 
There are elder care lawyers who specialize in this kind of thing, and I heartily suggest you find one ASAP.  One that knows this area will help you navigate Medicare, who gets and/or pays for what, straightens out claims with nursing homes, etc. (S)he will also help figure out what to do with your brother, and if your Pop can still sign his signature- divide up things including responsibilities so your brother can't stick a shiv between your ribs.     Same with an Alzheimers doctor.  A trained doctor will help him better, and help YOU understand better.   You want him in a place he can stay for a long time, because everytime they move, they get worse faster.  Also make sure any home has long-term care for all the stages like if/when he gets combative and when he completely forgets everything- including cerebellum AND brain stem function.

His eye is on the sparrow

[bill440cars]

        Well, just got back from seeing my Dad. He's still trying to give me the place that he bought for my brother (and my brother never paid for). Once again, I told him that I had no desire to have THAT house! I went on to remind him that that house was bought for David (my brother) and that he has never paid anything on it. My Dad keeps saying that my brother has done some stuff for him. Never mind that my brother has been living in that house FOR FREE and driving that Dodge Dakota pickup like it was his (wait a minute, it IS!) So, that cuts it, all I have down there is my Dad and some memories. When my Dad is gone (Hopefully not soon), MY ties at "THE LAKE" (that's what we called the place, before Mom & Dad retired there). are being cut! So, that's it! I'll continue to go down about once a month and call off and on. I wasn't going to post anything just yet. Then I thought that I might just simply say that I was back and would post something later. Then I got started and, before I knew it, I told most all that happened.

                                     Later on, Bill     

[medic09]

Hey Bill, *hugs* your way.

I'm old infantry.  We figure that's still manly. 

When our parents get ill, it can be a very fluid situation.  Make sure you're happy with the information you have from the health care providers.  Don't hesitate to ask for information and education and help in exploring options, IF that is what you want.  It's their job.

Take good care of Dad, and yourself.

[bill440cars]

        Thanks medic, I needed that. One thing that is coming out of this is that I'm getting my 400f (that I took down to him because he wanted to work on a motorcycle again), his 77' CB750A (that he bought himself, after my delivering the 400F with him telling me he wanted something not TOO big and with an electric starter) and a 79' CB750K basket case that someone had put an ATV rear axle setup on.  He also had bought a new motorcycle table lift from Harbor Freight and I thought I was getting that but he said he had sold it. I have a feeling that it is in my brother's garage or HE (my brother sold it). I'll Tell ya, I'd like to send OUR Bounty Hunters out for MY brother! My Dad is slightly disillusioned and I promise you my brother is taking FULL advantage. Thing is, my brother doesn't know Jesus and I AM sad about that. My Mom, Dad and I do. Mom's already gone, with Dad, my brother and me still here. Thanks again for your concern.

                                 Later on, Bill   

[jtb]

Bill, just be there for your Dad when he needs you.  You'll always know that you were, and that you didn't take advantage of his situation, and did what needed to be done.  No one can ever take that away from you, and you'll always know you were a Mensch.  I'm really sorry that I didn't go the extra miles to stop and see you when I went back to Kansas for Memorial Day.  Next trip, I'll do it.

John

[m00ntan]

Hello Bill,  I understand.  I had four parents die within two years.  It is sad beyond belief.  The cars, the bikes and the tools are not important.  It's just more talk, or gripe, at the family reunion.  You need a good elder care attorney.  He will explain PERSONAL RERESENTITIVE.   The best elder care attorney will meet with all siblings at the same time.  You can't stop there.  The advise is generic and you have to speak to each care provider.  You need another attorney who knows about LIFE ESTATE WITH REMAINDER to change the property deeds, there is tax advantages.  Life estate with remainder transfers property (real estate) to siblings but leaves the resident living there and in control.  Everything has to be done as your first priority while your father is not certified incompetent.  There is no "do over".

Your elder care attorney should be the best in the state, usually these attorneys also represent your local government.  The charge will be $800  to $1,200, but the benefit is a plan that formally distributes responsibilties and siblings can follow.  Your property attorney should be someone with history or connection to your family.  The personal representative should be your most trusted accountant.  Your health care representative should be the most intimate with your father.

Remember these things have to be done today, before someone declares your father's signature invalid.

I hope you buy the bikes and tools and cars many times over in your life.

What you do for your family is more important than any machine.

Good luck.

[Terry in Australia]

G'Day Bill, sorry to hear about your dad's illness mate, my dad turned 80 this year and so far, so good, he's still as sharp as a tack, we had a big birthday bash for him with 80 guests and even my sister who lives in the US came out for it, but like your situation, there's a fly in the ointment.

My big brother couldn't make it, so my mom asked me to be "master of ceremonies" for the night, and I reluctantly agreed, anyway, she and my three sisters made a big thing of me doing a good job on the night (10 bourbons and I'm a really good public speaker, ha ha!) and now my big brother has become really jealous and sent me a couple of nasty emails. I ignored them because he's not well, (he had a heart attack and a nervous breakdown a couple of years ago) but it still kinda stung, you know?

Anyway, you have a good one mate and look after your dad, and don't let family politics ruin your time with your dad. Cheers, Terry.  

[bill440cars]

         I should have known that a number of others have had their own ups & downs in situations like, or similar to mine.   I HAVE seen other folks have family problems because of greed and such and thought how Terrible & insensitive it was and all. At one time in my life, I never even considered that I might have to go through problems like that. All these years, I had never even discussed with my Mom & Dad, what I would like to have after they are gone. Oh, I knew that everyone's time comes, I just never really related it to my own family. I guess I just thought that Mom, Dad & my grandparents would always be there. Not very realistic, huh? Then my grandparents started leaving, one at a time off & on. Even that didn't really get me to realize that my Mom & Dad wouldn't be here forever. I remember when my Mom went in the hospital the last time. My Dad was there every day (of course) and I'd come down for 2 days (spending the night at their house) and going back home for a day and then back down there again (did it like this up until the day she died) When she was first admitted that time, she looked at me and said," Bill, don't be so solemn, it'll be all right." I knew, in my heart, that it wasn't going to be.

                               Thanks Guys! 

      Sorry                             

[my78k]

No Apologies necessary Bill. When you feel like you need to unload...then do it! I empathize with your situation and know too well that my time will come soon enough (although I hope not for many many more years!)

Dennis

[bill440cars]

        Well, heard from my brother just now. Seems that Dad has some cancer in his eyes and is to have surgery tomorrow morning (Monday Oct 1) and it'll be "Out Patient Surgery". He's also starting to go off the deep end, Fussing and Cussing" about things that aren't happening and such. I'll be there as much as I possibly can, for my Dad. As for my brother and his wife, they are going through some rough times with my Dad (so they say) and the thing is, IF things hadn't been allowed to be changed (Basically putting me out of things), I'd be the one down there handling things. Like I say, I'll be there as much as possible for my Dad, but I think David and his wife kinda instigated the changes that were made a few months ago and now, they can take care of things. My brother told me on the phone that he and I need to put aside our problems because this is about Dad. He went on to tell me that he didn't think I realized that and I politely (BUT FIRMLY) told him that I thought it was HIM that didn't realize it. At that suggestion, there was silence for just a few seconds. I don't have anything to give my Dad except Love, Time and reassurance. My brother and his wife have control over everything. And all I can say is, "More Power To Them!"

        Thanks for allowing me the time and space to unload now and then, It helps to know that I have the support from you all. I will pray about it (and I am asking for your prayers) and do what I need to do, as best I can. After all, there is POWER in prayer.

                                   Later on, Bill

[Uncle Ernie]

Bill, I sat here and laughed a bit because I know exactly what you're going through.  After a while you just have to shine it on- otherwise it will eat you from the inside out. 
Well, now I'm mad.


Now I'm sad.


Sorry. 
Get in and hang on, pal.

[bill440cars]

       Uncle, I'll tell ya, ever since the enlightening that I got in June, when I found out that I had been thought to have been ripping my Dad off, by taking some of his money from his account, I have been shocked, dismayed and totally disillusioned. For quite a while, there wasn't a single day that I didn't go over and over the events of that day and think about what I should have said to my brother and what I should have done period (I just wanted to just tell them that I hoped they enjoyed each other's company cause they had excluded me from   everything else and they could just go ahead and forget that I had ever been a member of that family! I have never said that though. I have played it over and over in my head so many times. I won't abandon my Dad but, as soon as his time comes (maybe sooner, I WILL have a talk with my brother and he WILL become totally aware of my feeling on the matter AND where we stand with each other. Some have told me that I need to get things right between us. Well, I tried to do just that for many years. I bit my tongue and made the gesture so many times that it's a wonder I even have a tongue left. I figure that the ball's in his court and has been for years. I've prayed about this many times and I've never gotten the feeling that I am the one who should keep trying with him. Sorry I'm going on like this. I didn't mean to get this wound up. The thing is, I've got my family (my wife, my daughter, the "Special Needs" young man that I work with & lives with us and another young man that we work with also. Not to mention out next door neighbor who's in her 80's & her 57 year old daughter who has MS and is in bad shape) to take care of and help look after. My bother and his wife have only been dealing with Dad's situation for a little while. We've been dealing with my daughter's epilepsy since she was 11 months old. I shut up for now, I need to get on with things. You all take care and Thank you again for your support and words of encouragement!

                                            Bill     

[DarkRider]

Just keep strong bill...you know we are all backing you up man!

[bill440cars]

Just keep strong bill...you know we are all backing you up man!

           Yes, I know an that means a lot to me too!

[78 k550]

Prayers going out to You and your Family.

Paul

[bill440cars]

Prayers going out to You and your Family.

Paul

        Thanks Paul, It ALL helps man, It REALLY does!

                                         Bill               

[Da Nurze]

Maybe you should leave the parts bike there so he'll have something to do.  Alzheimers folks love repetitive things that they're used to.  Keeps 'em entertained a lot.  If there's no gas or anything, what's the harm?

My father in law uded to fidget with latches, keys, knobs, and switches a lot.  My Mom used to go over the same mail and bills over and over- reorganizing them.  Keeps their minds occupied in a way that they can handle.

I agree with Uncle E, anything you can do to help stimulate his mind will only help in my opinion.  The old saying, 'if you don't use it, you lose it', goes for the mind as well.  I've seen many old people just veggitate in front of the idiot box (TV) and I think that is bad thing.  Sure, it may have to come down to that eventually, but stimulate his mind as much as you can, while he can.

No matter what, I hope everything works out for the best.  I know it has to be a hard time for you.  Regardless of whether he remembers you or what you are doing for him, you will know and eventually when he is with the man upstairs, he will know too.

--xTalon

Bill,

These guys are absolutely right on the money! The best thing is providing something that even occasionally jogs a wonderful memory. Give him something to tinker with. It will be ALRIGHT!

Prayers and Thoughts,,
DA Nurze

[toycollector10]

You are a good man Bill and you have heart, something missing in a lot of people in this day and age.

Go well...Go back through these posts and take the advice given from people who have been there before you.

Aroha,  Kia Kaha......TC

[bill440cars]

    Da Nurze,

          Yeah, these folks (you included) are ALWAYS there for those who need them and for whatever it is too! Always ready to assist in ANY way, whether it is something to do with a bike build, info to figure out a bike problem, getting a seller to finish up a deal, a situation where a person needs some comforting words or whatever.
These folks of the SOHC4 are ALWAYS there and when any of us have the need, they respond to that need. Thanks again!

    TC, Thank you for the kind words. I've seen so many times (as I'm sure you have too) where the kids of an elderly parent(s) treat them badly, neglect them and act as if their "precious" time is being wasted because the parent(s) have needs that have o be taken care of. I've always looked at the fact that they gave us life and tried to bring us up to be responsible people (doing what's right and all), so when the time comes, we shouldn't fell (or act) put out because the time has come when they need us. I wouldn't say that my brother is one of those people but, his actions reflect that he is "Borderline, at best"!
       
         BTW TC, thought you'd like to know that I Have gone back through all that you all have written before now reread every single line of the responses ever so often. Thank you for the suggestion though.

         ALL the support on this, is one of many reasons why this place is STILL and will ALWAYS be THE BEST!!

                                    Later on, Bill        

[bill440cars]

         Well, had a talk with my Dad today. I'm embarassed to say that I haven't been down much , to see him. I'll tell ya, it gets pretty tough, when you live a couple of hours away, you have one licensed road ready vehicle, a 30yr old "Special Needs" Daughter, a "Special Needs" young man that lives with you and you work with him, along with another "Special Needs" young man plus all kinds of other things going on like my roof started leaking and had to have that repaired. Seems like Time (hours, days, weeks and months), Gas & Money are having a race to see who can go the fastest! My Dad had a spot on one of his eyes and was to have it removed the day after I found out about it. My brother called and told me this and that he would let me know how it turned out. Well, he didn't call and (with our schedule of things) the next thing I knew, about 2 weeks had passed (without me finding out anything) Dad's starting to complain about them (My brother and his wife). Knowing my brother, I figure that it's him and my Dad's getting older and all! Thing is, my brother and his wife are saying that they need some relief. They really haven't had much of a life since June of this year! I wanted to say, "Welcome to our world!" We've been that way most of the time for the last nearly 30 yrs! (our daughter had a siezure problem for 18 yrs and has had anxiety, among other things, for the rest of that time)! Well, anyway, thanks for listening. We'll just have to see how things turn out.    

[DarkRider]

Thank you for the update bill...and as aways and i will keep repeating this till im blue in the face...you have everyones support here...i will make it a point to pray for your situation when i get into the chapel at the hospital tomorrow night.

[BobbyR]

Bill, this is a song by an artist I greatly admire. this is for your daughter:

Let me rock you in my arms
I'll hold you safe and small
A refugee from the seraphim
In your rich-girl rags and all

Did your dreams die young, were they too hard won
Did you reach too high and fall
And there is no rest for the ones God blessed
And he blessed you best of all

Your eyes seem from a different face
They've seen that much that soon
Your cheek too cold, too pale to shine
Like an old and waning moon

And there is no peace, no true release
No secret place to crawl
And there is no rest for the ones God blessed
And he blessed you best of all

If tears unshed could heal your heart
If words unsaid could sway
Then watch you melt into the night
Adieu, and rue the day

Did your dreams die young, were they too hard won
Did you reach too high and fall
And there is no rest for the ones God blessed
And he blessed you best of all

[bill440cars]

         Thanks to you Chris and Bobby. I don't wish anything on my Dad but, for once in his life, my brother is having to step up to the plate and do something to help. Usually, he's managed to sidestep responsibility. I DO need to figure a way to spend some time with my Dad and, somehow, I'll do that. I think it's ironic that my brother is having to deal with a situation (with my Dad) and I've been handling a similar situation (my Daughter's) for about 30yrs.

                                   Later on, Bill
 
           

[DarkRider]

true to form as i had promised i had prayed for you in the chapel last night during my first patrol. As i came out of there though a strange thought took hold...perhaps im somehow getting wiser as i get older but anyways...i have this to say....Value your time that you have left with your father bill...any moment you can get with him now will be precious even if his memory starts to slip..

The main reason im even thinking this today is because as of today its been 6 years since my own father passed away...and as of midnight tonight it will have been 6 years since my cousin in law passed away and next saturday marks the 6th year since my nephew passed on...in that exact order...so yea..my thoughts are a little scrambled at the moment..

[bill440cars]

       Chris, That's really ironic about the timing of their passing. We all have our burdens to bear. My Mom will have been gone 6yrs this coming Feb. I do plan on seeing Dad as much as I can. It sounds like my brother and his wife are getting a bit stressed from having to be there and doing for him. I feel for anyone who has lost a loved one. Seems like we never really do or say all the things we should have. When my Grandfather passed on, I was overseas in the Air Force and I had so many things To tell him when I returned and then it happened. So (even thought it wasn't the same), When I returned, I went to the cemetary (I was allowed to return home, hopefully in time for the funeral but I didn't get there in time ) and talked to him for a spell. I used to go there ever so often to see the graves of my Grandfather & Grandmother but, my wife doesn't see the significance of doing that, so I don't do it as often. I know that they aren't really there now but it's kind of a place that I feel I can sort of connect with them, you know? Might know I'd get kinda long winded with this. I didn't mean to, I just kinda get carried away. I do appreciate having you all to talk to, even if it isn't face to face.

                             Later on, Bill