Topic: My Dad's Situation, "At Rehab" UPDATE!

[DarkRider]

Just a random thought here bill..but when it comes time for him to be in an assisted living complex why not look into one near you?

[bill440cars]

G'Day Bill, just be careful that you don't "over-emphasise" the need for your Dad to change his will etc, you don't want to confuse him more, and have him think that you're only helping him so he'll change things to favor you, over your brother. Just my opinion mate, and no offence intended. Cheers, Terry.

         And no offence taken Terry. I know that you are just trying to help prevent a misunderstanding. I am very careful to let my Dad know that I want to help him be sure that things are the way HE wants them to be. You see, ever since he has been more himself, he sees that my brother and his wife are trying to baby him and put him in a nursing home. They even managed to get someone to come to my Dad's home and evaluate him (as far as his ability to reason things out and see just how well his thought process was! He passed with flying colors! In fact, when the guy was packing his stuff up, to leave, he treated my brother and his wife like he didn't want to see them again and like they were trying to pull a slick one! I know this because my brother called me up and was telling me, "We had him tested and he scored 25 out of 30, I don't know what I'm going to do now!" I simply told him, "I don't know what to tell you!" I'm not pushing too hard on much of anything actually. Although, there is one thing I'm being pretty insistant about and that is to approach his Doctor to find out just what my Dad's medical status really is and if they (my brother & his wife) have managed to get him to sign anything that would allow them to consult with Dad's Doctor about his condition with out my  Dad having any say about it. In this day and time, they're really pushing the "Privacy Act thing" in the U.S. anyway. My brother's wife met with Dad's Doctor and discussed things about him without my Dad being present and when my Dad was with the Doctor, my brother and his wife were present and my Dad wasn't allowed to speak up for himself as the Doctor got on my Dad's case and forbade him to drive. I emphasized to my Dad that I'd like for him to make an appointment with his Doctor and allow me to be there so that both of us can find out exactly what's going on with my Dad and find out what his limitations are and how I can help him to assure that he gets whatever he needs. I keep emphasizing the fact that he (Dad) needs to know, for sure what his condition is and allow me to be there to back him up, not let the Doctor "doubletalk" him.

          BTW, we are in the approximate time when this particular situation started (me getting the boot and my brother & his wife taking over). They don't know it yet, but my Dad has had ME put on his bank account and as the coowner of his cds (my brother and his wife's name is on NONE of that. Dad says, shortly after getting out of the hospital back in June of last year, he came to realize that my brother and his wife were trying to take control and push me out of the picture (his own words). He also says that he realizes that I will do what ever he wishes and my brother would not.

                                       Later on, Bill    

[Terry in Australia]

No worries Bill, that's good mate. Cheers, Terry.

[bill440cars]

Just a random thought here bill..but when it comes time for him to be in an assisted living complex why not look into one near you?

         Well Chris, as a matter of fact, there are 2 such places in the small town I live in. But, I want to keep him in his own home as long as possible and, if need to, my Wife has already said that I may need to be down there with him for some time. Gotta tell you, my Wife may think my motorcycle stuff is "JUNK" but she knows that my Dad means a lot to me and is wanting to do whatever is needed. My Mother-in-law is widowed also but there are my wife's sister (and her family) and her 2 brothers to make sure that she is taken care of. My Mother-in-law is in control of her life and can pretty much take care of herself too! Thanks for the offer of advice though. 

         I've said it before, but it can't be said enough. I deeply appreciate all the concern, advice, best wishes and support from all who have offered it. I tried to make sure that I replied to each and every one who made the effort to post here and I've probably missed some, for that I apologize. Thank You All!!!!!!!!!!!

                               Later on, Bill    

[Uncle Ernie]

Bill, if you don't get an elder lawyer, you'll be sorry. A good one.  I know this first hand and I'm telling you to get an ELDER lawyer.  EVERYTHING needs to be set down on paper by the proper lawyer- will, who will be in charge of financial matters and in control of accounts, who the executor will be, etc. 

Then,. you need to shop for an assisted living place.  You need to find one that will take your father through to the end.  many places will kick your father out when he loses all memory and/or can't take care of himself at all.  Many places will kick him out if he gets violent or even cranky.  Every time an Alzheimers person is moved, they get worse.  They basically become goldfish and that plastic plant is always a welcome sight every time they come around.  Sounds harsh, but that's the way it is.  They need their routine. 

When you get things settled with a lawyer -and yes, your dad will need to meet with him, too- you can relax some.  Everything is nailed down.  All you need to do is deal with the Social Security folks- which is plenty of stupid work right there.

[bill440cars]

Bill, if you don't get an elder lawyer, you'll be sorry. A good one.  I know this first hand and I'm telling you to get an ELDER lawyer.  EVERYTHING needs to be set down on paper by the proper lawyer- will, who will be in charge of financial matters and in control of accounts, who the executor will be, etc. 

Then,. you need to shop for an assisted living place.  You need to find one that will take your father through to the end.  many places will kick your father out when he loses all memory and/or can't take care of himself at all.  Many places will kick him out if he gets violent or even cranky.  Every time an Alzheimers person is moved, they get worse.  They basically become goldfish and that plastic plant is always a welcome sight every time they come around.  Sounds harsh, but that's the way it is.  They need their routine. 

When you get things settled with a lawyer -and yes, your dad will need to meet with him, too- you can relax some.  Everything is nailed down.  All you need to do is deal with the Social Security folks- which is plenty of stupid work right there.

          Uncle Ernie, appreciate that. Someone mentioned an Elder Lawyer before, don't remember who right off. I've kinda been wondering about seeing if a TRUST might be the way to go. My buddy locally suggested that one. A will means (as far as I know) that you have to go through Probate Court, where a TRUST wouldn't. Of course, it's up to my Dad as to what is done. I just want to find and offer what ever options there are, to him. Gotta get a Doctor's appointment to find out exactly what is going on with him though. I'm not so sure that he's going into the 1st stages of Alzheimers. I was told THAT by my brother's wife (I hesitate to call her my Sister-In-Law, even though technically she is). My Dad and I both know some decent lawyers from an Army Reserve Unit that we both belonged to some time back and I've suggested that we talk to a particular one that my Dad has known longer than I have.

          Thanks for the head-up on the assisted living place info. I'm sure that a lot of folks don't think about the specifics and just figure (like I did) that they would take care of them to the end.

           I didn't intend to do anything without my Dad there, except maybe to inquire about the shift of responsibility when and if my Dad gets to where he needs someone to take care of his finances and such. I don't want him t ever get the idea that I would be trying to take over his responsibilities unnecessarily (or before it would be needed).
                                   Thanks again Uncle,   Bill    
 

[medic09]

Hey Bill,

Good job so far, man.  Uncle Ernie is absolutely right.  It is worth the investment of time and money to get things done right once.  The attorney needs to be Dad's attorney, acting on his behalf, in his interest, and according to his instructions.  The attorney will need to ascertain any and all powers of attorney or other authorizations already out there, such as anything signed with the doctor's office, insurance companies, filed in local court, etc.  If it is simple, it'll cost a few hours of work.  If it gets sticky, it'll cost a lot more; but you'll want to know that!    Make sure that a living will/advanced directive/ or whatever they use in that state is in place, too.  I see a little of that stuff in my lines of work, and you don't want there to be too much room for argument when things get stressed.

You're a good man, Bill; and your wife sounds like an angel.  Hang in there!

[m00ntan]

You need a good elder care attorney.  He will explain PERSONAL RERESENTITIVE.   The best elder care attorney will meet with all siblings at the same time.  You can't stop there.  The advise is generic and you have to speak to each care provider.  You need another attorney who knows about LIFE ESTATE WITH REMAINDER to change the property deeds, there is tax advantages.  Life estate with remainder transfers property (real estate) to siblings but leaves the resident living there and in control.  Everything has to be done as your first priority while your father is not certified incompetent.  There is no "do over".

Your elder care attorney should be the best in the state, usually these attorneys also represent your local government.  The charge will be $800  to $1,200, but the benefit is a plan that formally distributes responsibilties and siblings can follow.  Your property attorney should be someone with history or connection to your family.  The personal representative should be your most trusted accountant.  Your health care representative should be the most intimate with your father.

Remember these things have to be done today, before someone declares your father's signature invalid.

Hello Bill, I wasn't the only one to mention elder care and I may not be the best qualified.  The elder care attorney was the best thing that happened to me.  He laid out basically what needed to happen and who had to do what.  My three brothers and two sisters never doubted my geekness and silly spreadsheets.  There was a moment where I placed two pennies on th table and asked the oldest to split them six by six.  Remember LIFE ESTATE WITH REMAINDER.  It alllows your father to decide who lives in his house for their life and can also specify how to devide the equity on his death. 

It's very sad in itself and I wish you can find a financial solution with your family.



Best of luck.

[bill440cars]

       
         Thanks for the input m00ntan. It IS a shame that family members can't act sensibly about this sort of thing. Even though my brother and I have had our differences over the years, I had hoped that we could pull together to take care of our Dad and go with his wishes. I should have known, I guess.    My own situation and the fact that we live about 2hrs drive away from each other (And the fact that Dad & I have to work around my brother and his wife), makes it very difficult to get things taken care of in a timely manner. Hopefully, by Summer, we'll (Dad & I ) have everything set the way my Dad wants it so that we will have as little problems as possible and I can carry out my Dad's wishes. Thanks for your interest, input and concern.

                                          Later on, Bill

[BobbyR]

Bill, you have gotten very good advice about getting proper legal help. We avoid dealing with the harsh realities of life through hopes and wishes and many time denial. At the end of this, you and your Bother and his wife will not be walking arm and arm with you. While this proactive approach may cause some ugliness now, it will prevent real ugliness later. I wishes were all we needed to make it so, this would be a beautiful World. I love ya man, you have a beautiful spirit, but you need
to get crackin on this legal stuff while there is no doubt Dad is competent. And Elder Lawyer means just that, not just some guy that does house closings and slip and fall work.

[bill440cars]

        Hey Bobby. You all are right about needing to get things settled alright and I want to thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I don't come across too well but, I try to get my point across without things getting blown out of shape. You see I've got a lot of Dutch ancestry and I tend to get just a bit "Hard Headed" at times. I'm working on getting things settled out, like my Dad wants and am shooting for the 19th of March to try to get the finish on this. You see, my Mom & my Dad made a sort of tradition of taking me & my brother out to eat on our birthdays and the 19th is mine. So, if I come down and Dad and I are out of pocket for the day, my brother will think we are just doing the birthday thing and he'll go fishing (which is what he spends most of his time doing anyway) and he gets put out when that time is interrupted or delayed.  Thanks again Bobby (and ALL who have contributed to this. Your input has been most appreciated and considered)

                                      Later on, Bill

                                       

[Head]

Peace be with you and your loved ones, Every night before you go to sleep, think of some thing that the two of you did together or you watched him do that makes you smile,
Give him a long warm hug for me!!! Head   Robert W. Jeffries
I'm envious of who can talk,see,or just spend some silent time with their dads no matter what the situation

[bill440cars]

Peace be with you and your loved ones, Every night before you go to sleep, think of some thing that the two of you did together or you watched him do that makes you smile,
Give him a long warm hug for me!!! Head   Robert W. Jeffries
I'm envious of who can talk,see,or just spend some silent time with their dads no matter what the situation

           Thanks man. Now and then, I relate to my daughter something that my Dad had said or done over the years to attempt to build memories. When together (or on the phone), I bring up things and he does too (like he has started talking about when he met my Mom and details about that). Thaks again for your input.

                                 Later on, Bill

[my78k]

That's a very good point about building memories!

I am lucky enough to have some written down....My grandfather in the last couple of years of his life created sort of a memoir. After my Grandma passed and he had a lot of time on his hands he sat down at the computer and basically gave a chronicle of his life story up until the birth of his last child (my youngest uncle). It ran through everything about how he grew up in downtown Toronto to how met and pursued my grandma to his time in WWII and his months in the German POW camp. It even talked about how he returned from the war and how he built a life for him and my grandma and funny stories about each of the kids etc...My aunt had it done up nicely with a binding etc and each family member got a copy. He remained sharp as a tack until the bitter end when his third or fourth bout of cancer finally took him down. I am at the point now where my kids are old enough where I can start to read some stuff to them and they will remember it too!!

Dennis

[Demon67]

Bill440 just read this thread I feel for you, when my mother and father packed in, it caused me to grow up and look at life differently, my old man got lucky and died in his sleep, my mother had come down with Parkinsons before and went from being a strong, vibrant, intelligent woman, to something that came out of Buchenwald and took years to die, all I can add to the good thoughts and good wishes, is endure.
Bill.

[DarkRider]

That's a very good point about building memories!

I am lucky enough to have some written down....My grandfather in the last couple of years of his life created sort of a memoir. After my Grandma passed and he had a lot of time on his hands he sat down at the computer and basically gave a chronicle of his life story up until the birth of his last child (my youngest uncle). It ran through everything about how he grew up in downtown Toronto to how met and pursued my grandma to his time in WWII and his months in the German POW camp. It even talked about how he returned from the war and how he built a life for him and my grandma and funny stories about each of the kids etc...My aunt had it done up nicely with a binding etc and each family member got a copy. He remained sharp as a tack until the bitter end when his third or fourth bout of cancer finally took him down. I am at the point now where my kids are old enough where I can start to read some stuff to them and they will remember it too!!

Dennis

Thats a great way to pass a family legacy on!!

Now to follow that one up...Each of us represents a generation of our families...from younger members like myself and others to the older members such as bill. bobby sam, etc....Each of us has a legacy that started with the very first members of our respective familys...how each of us remembers our elders depends on how they lived their lives and how we fit into their lives....When you have elders doing things like what Dennis's grandfather did and writing it out for future generations to remember him or at least know who he was it gives hope to our future generations. Not everyone has the good fortune to have elders like that. So it comes down to each of us to do things like that to help keep their memories alive in a positive manor. Sure i may have come across as abrasive when it came to my last memories of my father but as time goes on i forget that $hit and focus on what he taught me when i was younger. If it wasnt for him i wouldnt have had a passion to rebuild older machines therefore i would have never been here to meet friends such as everyone on this forum. Now when each of us has a trying time with family members keep in mind how you want to remember them after they are gone....shrug off the negitive and focus on the good times as difficult as it may seem....we will all be better people for it in the end....

Chris...aka DarkRider

[bill440cars]

That's a very good point about building memories!

I am lucky enough to have some written down....My grandfather in the last couple of years of his life created sort of a memoir. After my Grandma passed and he had a lot of time on his hands he sat down at the computer and basically gave a chronicle of his life story up until the birth of his last child (my youngest uncle). It ran through everything about how he grew up in downtown Toronto to how met and pursued my grandma to his time in WWII and his months in the German POW camp. It even talked about how he returned from the war and how he built a life for him and my grandma and funny stories about each of the kids etc...My aunt had it done up nicely with a binding etc and each family member got a copy. He remained sharp as a tack until the bitter end when his third or fourth bout of cancer finally took him down. I am at the point now where my kids are old enough where I can start to read some stuff to them and they will remember it too!!

Dennis

          Dennis, thank you for sharing that. That is so awesome that he was able to do that and to have it done up in a binder to keep for the future. I would have loved to know more behind my ancestry and the lives of my Grandparents (on both sides) but, they are all gone. I'm picking up some about my Granddad from my Dad. Dad has some pretty good memories and has been sharing more and more all the time (over the last few months), which makes me think that I'm having some success in making him feel better and more relaxed. Maybe I can get him to write (he's not much on computers except to play solitare or make lists of his charities or something like that. I will talk to him though and he may just do it.

          I'm also hoping that others may also benefit from the info in this thread, if they should also have the misfortune of having a similar situation.

                                Later on, Bill

[bill440cars]

Bill440 just read this thread I feel for you, when my mother and father packed in, it caused me to grow up and look at life differently, my old man got lucky and died in his sleep, my mother had come down with Parkinsons before and went from being a strong, vibrant, intelligent woman, to something that came out of Buchenwald and took years to die, all I can add to the good thoughts and good wishes, is endure.
Bill.

      Thanks for that Bill. My Mother was eventually taken by cancer. It would pop up, they would try to take care of it, it seemed to be working and then it would pop up somewhere else. Finally ended up all over and took her. Dad's got a few things going on with him. My brother's wife told me that Dad was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, but I'm not so sure about that. You see, my brother and his wife want to put Dad in a "home" so they won't have to be bothered with him and they can take over. What they don't know is that they are already out of having anything to do with Dad's bank account and his CD's (Dad & I are the only ones on that and we  (Dad & I) are taking steps to ensure that he didn't sing anything last year, when he wasn't thinking straight. It would be just like my brother to take advantage of a situation like that.

          Bill, I feel for your loss of your parents. It's something that, no matter how we might try, we are never really ready for.

                                 Later on, Bill                         

[bill440cars]

       You know, there are so many ways that our loved ones can be taken from us and I figure I was pretty fortunate to have had my family together for as long as I did, before the started going. There are somethings left unsaid because of "not getting around to it", because it just didn't sink in that the time was going to come when communication with them wasn't going to be possible.

        Again, I want to thank ALL those who have contributed here and shared their experiences along with their valuable input. That's what family members do and, after all, aren't we just "One Big Family?"

                                      Thank you,

                                            Bill

[bill440cars]

         Well, we may just be gearing up for another round here. My Dad was supposed to have some kind of test done last Wednesday and, so far, no results are known by my Dad, at least. So, I called him today and he still doesn't know anything.    I Did find out that my Dad's truck (that my brother has had for several years now) is down with a bad transfer case. I'm somewhat surprised that he hasn't been trying to get my Dad to pay for it. Dad bought it new (a 93' Dakota w/ 4 wheel drive) and might have put 15,000 miles on it when my brother basically took it over back about 2001. I don't look for it to be fixed anytime soon.   Gotta get back down soon and see what I can do about getting things taken care of for good. I am really starting to hate the fact that I live so far away from my Dad and that I don't have any place for him to come up and stay for a while either. Of course, if I did have a place for my Dad to stay for a while, I'd change the locks on my Dad's house and unplug the garage door opener (and lock the garage door down, so that it couldn't be opened). Yes, it could get that bad, where my brother's concerned. I wish my Dad (and I) could get things squared away so that he could have more peaceful days. I'm not sure about my Dad, but it's about to drive me up a tree!

                                That's All For Now,  Bill       

[mrblasty]

It's too bad douche bag brothers can't slink off somewhere when there is family crisis. It seems like they kick the B.S into overdrive as things are getting worse. I say these things because I have a douche bag brother and he has a way of making any stressful situation five times worse y simply being in the same county.
Good luck to you, your family and your dad.

[bill440cars]

It's too bad douche bag brothers can't slink off somewhere when there is family crisis. It seems like they kick the B.S into overdrive as things are getting worse. I say these things because I have a douche bag brother and he has a way of making any stressful situation five times worse y simply being in the same county.
Good luck to you, your family and your dad.

          Thanks, I'm finding more and more that quite a number of families have, at least one of that type. Things were great between us and then he hit 13yrs old and started changing. Mom and Dad said that he'd grow out of that stage. Well, he did, he gradually got worse and worse. Now he's 50 and I'm 61. In his mind (  ) he thinks he should have everything and presently, he and his wife (#5, I think. I lost track) are trying to get him in a nursing home, so they can get on with their life and his money, house and everything else. They don't know that Dad and I have been getting things straight so that Dad's wishes (and how my Mom wanted it) can be carried out, not the way my brother wanted it (basically, he wants everything).
My Mom and my Dad had been married almost 60 yrs, when she died and the only thing my brother's got longevity on is being an "    ", I'm not EVEN gonna say it, we all know what he is. Sorry to go on like that, cause that's the way I should be and I know that the day is coming that he will get what's coming to him. I need to get outta here, take care mrblasty,  Bill

[kghost]

I guess it happens in every family Bill.

Doesn't make it any easier when it is happening to you.

Still a #$%*ty thing to have a family member do.

I got my grandmothers last will in the mail today. Not really a happy thing.

Nothing that affects me directly but I can sure see that there was alot of things I didn't know about that part of the family.

Hope your dad gets an attorney and gets it written down.

[bill440cars]

I guess it happens in every family Bill.

Doesn't make it any easier when it is happening to you.

Still a #$%*ty thing to have a family member do.

I got my grandmothers last will in the mail today. Not really a happy thing.

Nothing that affects me directly but I can sure see that there was alot of things I didn't know about that part of the family.

Hope your dad gets an attorney and gets it written down.

           Yeah, when I was a lot younger and apparently dumber, I thought Family stuck together and they had respect for one another. At least that's the way I was taught! My brother must have been out to lunch or something, cause it went right over his head. My Dad just can't get over how he's acting. My wife tried to tell my Mom years ago that they needed to have everything locked in as to how they wanted it and all. Now, my Dad and I are going through the proverbial wringer, trying to get things lined out without interference from them (my brother and his wife).

            I understand your feeling on your Grandmother's Will and all.
I'm going to have to nicely keep after him on getting that Will taken care of and soon. I'm als trying to get to where I can be the one to take him to his Doctor's appointments, or at least be present when he goes, and find out the details myself (to be sure that my Dad and I are getting the straight poop.

                                     Take care Tim,  Bill    

[troppo]

I really feel for you bill...
I was brought up to "do the right thing, and others would too" but since moving to adelaide i have found that that doesnt work here, its "#$%* on them before they can #$%* on you" and i just cant do that.
Its just a shame you are so far from your dad, he sounds like a real decent bloke and so do you. You have my thoughts going your way and i`m hoping you get this mess sorted soon.
Cheers
Troppo