So I landed in Beijing today, and my father and I are doing some sightseeing, catch a few Olympics events and see if we can chase the torch down (failed miserably today
). We're at a relatively fancy hotel, and naturally they've thoughtfully supplied all the conveniences that the working man needs today, as you can see below:
Welcome to reside in our hotel and pay your attention to the Yirenbao series products.
We wish you safe, healthy, and happy.
In the busy and perplexing work and life, who can be exempted with all undescribable concerns? Yirenbao series can relieve you from your concerns. Yirenbao series is a kind of superbly condensed dewiness preparation made of pure Chinese medicines without any soap glucoside or chemical additives. This product uses high-tech AZONE skin penetration absorption technology and has high strength penetration capability. It will intimately care for your private areas and make your skin moist, clean, and comfortable. Yirenbao makes your love healthier.The most suggestive skin cleanser ever created. I've never had shampoo come onto me like that.
"She's got the urrrrge..."
It gets better.
I CAN Male Flavored Lubricant
Revivify your passion and rebuild your stamina and confidence. I CAN Male Flavored Lubricant is a kind of biology preparation with mild performance. It has no side effect or adverse reaction to human body.But don't despair, ladies! Yirenbao hasn't forgotten about your sexual urges yet!
I CAN Female Flavored Lubricant
Lust and indulgence can release feminine enhancement. I CAN Female Flavored Lubricant, a kind of biology preparation with mild performance, has no side effect or adverse reaction to human body.Whew! Dodged a discrimination lawsuit bullet there.
But wait, quoth Mr. Popeil, there's more...
YIRENBAO -- MAKE YOUR LOVE HEALTHIER
THE COMPANY HAS PASSED ISO9001 QUALITY CERTIFICATION
Vibrated & Condom
During the blending of two lusts, "vibration helps you touch the protruding point ... it makes your heart afire even if only for imagination. Two lovers need more sentiments, so please release your passion!I'm glad they thought about the poor losers who are forced to make do with themselves because they can only dream about bringing in $3 hookers and 30 grams of Colombia's finest. Hey, you think "passion" is a euphemism for something?
Contact Condom
Why do you resist the temptation of the passionate lust? The Contact condom for female is made of colorless, odorless, water-soluble and transparent gelatin. It can not only kill the germ cells and bacterium, but also prevent infection or pregnancy. It can also bring you the perfect enjoyment of the passion in lovemaking. With Contact Condom, you can burn out all your passion...You know things are bad when condom wrappers are admonishing you for your pithy sex life, like your doting grandmother who wants to see great-grandkids before her hip finally does her in.
NO. 1 Condom
Although the condom is "thin", but it treats you "well". NO. 1 Condom understands your passion and your needs for safety. It has super thin texture and extremely good stretch and will never hinder you during your passion release.Those quotes are pretty scary. I hope "thin" doesn't mean, say, "riddled with the consistency of Swiss cheese", wink wink...
Although "well" is even more disconcerting. Wink wink, nudge nudge...
And there they go about "passion" again.
BATH FEELING -Salt & Milk Body Wash
Boorish salt! Lubricating milk! Perfect combination of the two will bring double health and tenderness to your skin. BATH FEELING -Salt & Milk Body Wash helps you enjoy the pleasure of bathe in watery perfume..."Boorish salt" and "lubricating milk" have now entered my lexicon. What did I ever do before stumbling upon this treasure trove?
DORCO Razor
The leading razor brand in Korea! It has double layers of blades and revolvable knife head and can seamlessly touch your skin and shave more cleanly. You can feel it when you use DORCO razor as a man who cares life quality. You'll love it once you start to use it...And there you go, the
Moby Dick of unintentionally hilarious translations. All translations, including formatting and spelling mistakes, are copied exactly from the card in the bathroom. Underneath the card are the following items:
- Genital wash ("Only for man")
- Genital wash ("Only for woman") - interestingly enough, these two have exactly the same ingredients
- 2 compressed towels ("Place the towel in water for seconds and see what will happen!")
- Body wash
- DORCO Razor
- Pack of condoms ("Electronically tested for your safety")
My life has now changed for the better.
I'm staying with my father in this room, however, so now that I'm thoroughly sketched out...
