Topic: how do explain to a 4 year old that his dog is dead

[Spikeybike]

dog ran off and got hit by a car

i don't have my son for another couple days,  i did a search on a few parenting sites. but they all are not very "real world"

i'm just wondering if he's too young to have death explained to him, i've always been very straight forward in raising him.  but i don't know if this is too heavy for a 4yr old to understand

talked to his mom about it, she thinks i should add some sort of "this is why you shouldn't play in street" speech

  i don't really know what i'm asking , Ryden is gonna be very upset i imagine. the dog has been there his WHOLE life 

[Dbarker]

I might leave out the dead part... give him hope that the dog will come back for now...

he got out and ran away, hopefully he'll get hungry and find his way home...  maybe let the little guy put a couple of lost signs up in the area (3-4 tops)

Then when you feel hes ready he'll probably have already figured it out.  And if hes just completely devistated after about a month, puppy's work wonders.....

just dont replace the dog too soon or he'll resent it.

[Spikeybike]

i just talked to Ryden on the phone , and told him the dog ran off , just to gauge how upset he was gonna be , ........... and he didn't care at all


  kids.

he was in too good of a mood, so i'll  worry about it later, when he's here

[boatsdickson]

B4 clicking on this in the hotmail, I sure was hopeing it was gonna be the humor section instead of real life. Glad your boy is takeing it like he is for now. He'll miss him later and might be some sad feelings though. I think 4 years old is ready for the death topic. Just my opinion. 

[tramp]

the dog just running away is a good story
stay with it

[BobbyR]

the dog just running away is a good story
stay with it

I would agree. I had to go through this with my son.

[Spikeybike]

the dog just running away is a good story
stay with it

I would agree. I had to go through this with my son.

nuff said that was what i was looking for,  the best advice  is always from experience

it's not that important for him to know about death yet

[sparty]

spikey,

Sorry to hear about the dog.  When I was younger (14) my dog Duke was hit by a car and died.  I was crushed!  Duke would meet me at my bus stop every day after school and walk me home (he was so damn smart).  I lived in a small town growing up and many dogs just cruised our neighborhood during the summer visiting family to family (you will never find that today).  It was a real treat to have a few dogs hanging out together like a bunch of kids playing.  They really had their own "Little Rascals" type gang.  Every evening, the dogs would return home to their owners after a hard day of play.  One day, Duke did not return.  I knew it was bad.  I jumped on my bike and searched all over for him.  I came across one of my neighbors and he called me over.  He told me that he saw Duke get hit by a speeding car (the car never stopped) and that he took Duke to the vet.  But Duke didn't make it.  I wished death upon the car driver.  Duke's passing was my first experience with loss and it was a hard one on me.  I seriously cried all night and every night for the next few weeks.  Even months and years later the pain was still there.  I grew up with Duke.  He was my first dog and he was part of my daily life.  If I was younger at the time, I may not have understood what had happened.  At 4 yrs. old, your son really can not comprehend what a loss like that means.  When your son asks where the dog is, be honest.  It will help prepare him for future losses.

Again, sorry to hear the bad news,
Sparty

[Steve F]

It's been a year now that Fritzy, our long-hair Dachsund died.  Our daughter and grandson lives with us, and they loved that dog like it was their best friend.  When Fritz died, we all said our good-bye's before we buried him, and my grandson who just turned 3 at the time now looks at his grave site and says "there's Fritzy....he died".  I truly think he understands death, but not like an adult would.
So sorry for your loss, and think the advice of using the "ran away" story will work, at least for now, and your son should be fine when the truth is discovered.

[Spikeybike]

thanks guys , i appreciate it 

[medic09]

Sorry, y'all; I'm the dissenter here.  I adamantly object to lying to children about death.  It is true that the little guy won't understand it like adults do.  It has to be presented at his stage of development.  As teacher, medic/nurse, and pastoral care professional I've never seen it suggested that children be told some made up story.  In extreme circumstances sometimes one has to decide how and when to break the news.  This doesn't sound like that.  Our responsibility as parents is to educate our children about the realities of life and how to cope with them.  Avoiding unpleasantries is often us trying to evade an unpleasant responsibility more than it is an attempt to care for our child.  (Yes, we have four of them; all grown up thank you.)

So Dad, this is only the first of many times that you'll have to help your child deal with sad and bad news with empathy and patience.

Although this is about human death, it will help give you some ideas: http://www.nncc.org/Guidance/understand.death.html

If Ryden goes to some kind of day care, tell the responsible person there just so they can watch for any special needs he might have for a while.  Sometimes kids react to tragedy with a delayed response.

Good luck.  I'm truly sorry about your dog.  I know it has to be hard to suddenly lose him.  We have three dogs, and sometimes dread them growing old or losing them to an accident.

Good luck, Dad.

[Spikeybike]

i'm not against him knowing the truth by any means , my concerns are in the how

i am never one to candycoat reality from my son, i'm definitely gonna tell him the truth. just not sure what i'm gonna say   .   do i leave how he died out .  should i maybe make a mock grave

[fuzzybutt]

i know how hard it is to lose a loved pet spikey. my sympathies to you and your son.

[medic09]

Well, I don't suggest gory details; just plain truth.  Look at some developmental guidelines for kids his age to see what he will likely understand.  Try the link I posted.  Be ready for questions, or none.  Kids are unpredictable.  Questions can come hours or days later, as well.  I disagree with his mom about the 'playing in the street' speech.  If at all, that might come up when Ryden goes to play in the street; not now.  Now is about the death of his dog.  Was the vet involved?  If Ryden has lots of questions, or is troubled, s/he may be able to explain it (maybe not).  I've never had to try that, but vets are usually kind people who care about such things.  When we have human patients die, we spend time with family members.  A visit to the veterinarian may help, if needed.

It also may not be so complicated.  Kids are really funny and unpredictable that way.  I think I've had a harder time with animals dying than anyone else in the family.  Go figure...

[Spikeybike]

i didn't even think of telling his daycare , good point

[medic09]

i didn't even think of telling his daycare , good point

It may not be a big deal.  We just don't know how kids will react.  Sometimes they act out after bad news, and it shows up in day care or school.  I would just mention it to them.  Hopefully they're professional enough to file it away in their brains for reference, or maybe even suggest how to help him absorb the event.  And they'll be able to tell you if they see anything unusual.

Again, it may not turn out to be a big deal at all; and I don't mean to make too much of it.  Just my five cents.

Sorry for the loss of your dog.  I've cried like a baby everytime over the years that we've lost an animal.  Well, except for our hens...

[strangedaze39]

I would tell him straight forward, and leave the part about "thats why you don't play in the street" out. Depending on his personality, you can soften the talk or explain death in a more universal matter not revolving around humans(could get scary that way). Whatever I would do, I would make sure to highlight the positive things of the situation(death) and take him out for ice cream or his favorite activity afterwards.

Sorry for his and your loss. What kind of dog did you guys have?

[Raul CB750K1]

I'm for educating the children to be able to cope with life by themselves. I never, or just seldom, get in the middle of my kid's relationship with their friends. But I think that kids, as they develop, should be protected from things they are not yet ready to cope with.

Kids have a different perception of the world than us. They make their own assumptions about how the world works, based on their own personal experience. Being too explicit about death with them may be like trying to explain taxes or corruption: they will have to know about it, but just when the moment is right. You don't teach your kid to ride a bycycle at 1 year, nor do you teach your kid to weld when he is five. Not because you don't want him to do, just because the moment is not right. There will come a time he will be ready to weld, but until then, do you have to give him all the details about how to weld? Give him a slight, simple explanation about what it is. If he is OK with that, go on with your life until he is curious about it again.


Last month my family stayed at my in-laws for a week while I was at work. My daughter cryed everyday on the phone asking me when I was going to go. Trying to console her I promised her I would give her some candy on my return.

When I arrived, not only she didn't even get up of the couch or kiss me. She just asked me: "where are my candy?" That was not the kind of welcome I expected, I expected a run and jump onto my chest like she do every day after school. But, hey, they are just kids...... 


Obviously, she never got her candy.... I think she learned the lesson. 

[Spikeybike]

What kind of dog did you guys have?

a black lab, smart as hell too


that's funny that you say that Raul, last halloween i made a welding helmet (fiberglass) leather apron, modified some gloves to fit him. 
     the first thing he says  "do i get go to in the garage and weld on the motorcycle like you daddy"  . was a very proud moment for me.    so i let him throw down a few tack welds on some scrap, (of coarse the Mrs. was out )  he took right to it , steady handed, understood it was way to hot to touch, didn't watch the arch, i was very impressed
 
(i have worked at the same small shop his whole life so he's been in there before many times, and already knows not to look at the arch, so i wasn't worried at all)

[mrbreeze]

Didn't read your post yet Spikey but sorry to hear about your dog buying the bullit.You will have to explain it to your son in your own special way. He is young but you should be able tell him to where he can understand and accept what happened.

[74cb750]

Losing a loved animal is always difficult.

If possible, have a little funeral w a tombstone.
That's what my parents did after we saw our dog hit by a car. The driver was very remouseful , but we couldn't understand his explaination as we were 5 and 6 year old french-speaking foreigners new to the USA.

Several weeks later we got another dog,  although we never forgot him we learned to love another.
peace,
michel

[CrisPDuk]

Commiserations on your loss Spikey

My sister had this problem with her 5 year old a couple of months ago after their very elderly German Shepherd had to be put to sleep

My sister decided the truth was the best option, and sat my niece down and explained to her.  Obviously she was very upset at the time, but kids are more resilient than we think, and she handled the news better than all of us adults did

A couple of weeks down the line, she was telling the other kids in the playground, in a very matter of fact way, that she used to have a dog, "but my Mummy killed it"

[unkle fester]

straight forward is how I would go......he may not be able to  fully comprehend the explanation of death.....but, one day he will.......I wholeheartedly disagree with telling him the dog ran away and hopefully he will come home when he gets hungry.....that just builds up his hope only to crush it when the dog doesn't come home.......you said you told him on the phone and it didn't phase him....BUT.....who's to say he won't react different when he gets to your house and the dog isn't there......just my .02 cents worth..

[DarkRider]

just a wild thought here...but...couldnt you use your own situaition with rebuilding your bike for inspiration...if i recall right you were fairly upset about that...i know its not the same thing but...think how that was brought up to you and how you reacted...

[Raul CB750K1]

I remember very well when my grandma passed away. I should be around 12 or so. We received a phone call at lunchtime and my parents rushed to do some baggage and get going. They told us what happened, but the only thing that worried me was to see how uneasy my parents were.


When we arrived at my grandma's, many relatives were there. I couldn't care less about my grandma; I was happy to see my cousins and we started playing. I asked to see my grandma, she was lying in the coffin. I kissed her and I remember how cold she was, that impressed me but I had never had nightmares or the like.

I didn't cry for her. Do you know when did I cry? When I saw my mother, devastated, crying with no consolation, screaming. My parents were the strongest persons in the world for me; seeing her so vulnerable made me feel unsecure. I was more sorry to see my mother cry than to see my grandma. And my daughter has also cried when she had seen me cry.

Probably, anything you tell your kids, if they see you don't really give it much importance, will go unnoticed. They seem to leave the worries to their parents, as they are suppoused to be happy and carelessness. My daughter cried last month on our way home because "she missed so much Alberto and Cristina -the hotel kid-animators-. After we arrived home, she never talked about them anymore. No comparison with a pet but it shows how unattached they can be.