Topic: Rules According to Men

[Bob Wessner]

 AT  last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the     
 guys' side of the story.                                                   
                                                                           
 We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules   
 from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all     
 numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!                                                   
                                                                           
 1. Learn to work the toilet seat You're a big girl. If it's up, put it     
 down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
 you leaving it down.                                                       
                                                                           
 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.   
 Let it be.                                                                 
                                                                           
 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
 way.                                                                       
                                                                           
 1. Crying is blackmail.                                                   
                                                                           
 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:                     
 Subtle hints do not work!                                                 
 Strong hints do not work!                                                 
 Obvious hints do not work!                                                 
 Just say it!                                                               
                                                                           
 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.   
                                                                           
 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
 we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.                         
                                                                           
 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.         
                                                                           
 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, 
 all comments become null and void after 7 days.                           
                                                                           
 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
 act like soap opera guys.                                                 
                                                                           
 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.                             
 Don't ask us.                                                             
                                                                           
 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways   
 makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.                           
                                                                           
 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. 
 Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.     
                                                                           
 1.. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during         
 commercials                                                               
                                                                           
 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.         
                                                                           
 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,   
 for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO 
 Idea what mauve is.                                                       
                                                                           
 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.                         
                                                                           
 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like         
 nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the       
 hassle.                                                                   
                                                                           
 1 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you 
 don't want to hear.                                                       
                                                                           
 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ..   
 Really .                                                                   
                                                                           
 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to       
 discuss such topics as sports, the weather, hunting, motorcycles or cars.                   
                                                                           
 1. You have enough clothes.                                               
                                                                           
 1. You have too many shoes                                                 
                                                                           
 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.                                       
                                                                           
 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch   
 tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.   

[eldar]

These are all simple rules really.  i think women just dont know how to listen.

[loonymoon]

Sorry did you say something....?

[SteveD CB500F]

Bob - you've spelt "colour" wrong...

[Bob Wessner]

Not wrong, just another rebelious colonial gesture. 

[SteveD CB500F]

Who invented it anyway?

(sorry, joke from another thread...)

[GeoffT]

I was going to say that mauve is an aunt that everyone knows, but then I realised her name is actually maud. Not my fault I can't spell.

[Harry]

Why Men Are Happier Than Women!

1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

[Bob Wessner]

Harry,

Hilarious!! 

[eldar]

Have to add one to that list. We do not get PMS! Well wait, we still suffer the effects from it!!!!

[loonymoon]

Men are like...


....Placemats
They only show up when there's food on the table.

.....Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

....knee-pads
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly

...Parking spots
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

...Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

.....Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

.....Bank accounts
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest

....high heels
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....Curling Irons
They are always hot, and they are always in your hair.

....Mini skirts
If you are not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...Bananas
They older they get, the less firm they are.

.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.

.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

.....Blenders
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

.....Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

.....Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

....plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

.....Used Cars.
easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be unreliable.

[Frankenkit]

WOO HOO LOONYMOON!!!!            

[skamania19]

Men are like...

....plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are! 

[smithrelo]

hmmmmmmmmmm this appears to be a woman bashing thread...hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

That's OK, I can have babies (or could) and you can't EVER in a million, billion, trillion years!!!!

nanna-nanna-nanna!!!

Linda
Mother of 3, including twins!

[GeoffT]

hmmmmmmmmmm this appears to be a woman bashing thread...hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

That's OK, I can have babies (or could) and you can't EVER in a million, billion, trillion years!!!!

nanna-nanna-nanna!!!

Linda
Mother of 3, including twins!

Thank God for that!!!! 

[eldar]

Oh yeah smithy!! We can pick up that pen you dropped when you are 9 months along!!!!
Our belly does not stop us from getting our shoes on!
 

[smithrelo]

Oh yea...I can look at female b**bs anytime I want!

hahahahha!!

Funny guys!

Linda

[eldar]

Well so can we! 

[smithrelo]

Uhhhhhhhh-you're right..with this internet thing..you can!

LMAO!

Linda

[eldar]

The internet is a wonderful thing!!

[loonymoon]

Our belly does not stop us from getting our shoes on!

not necessarily for some guys....

[eldar]

Yeah well if they laid off the guiness some, that would not be such a problem! 

[turtle]

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[cbjunkie]

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

ahahahahaha! that's good stuff...

[Bob Wessner]

Still laughing..