Author Topic: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...  (Read 3346 times)

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Offline cafe750

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Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« on: March 09, 2009, 01:23:42 PM »
The basic secret of carb function is that inside each carb are thousands of tiny gnomes; each with a small bucket. As you open the throttle, more of these gnomes are allowed out of their house and into the float bowl, where they fill the buckets and climb up the carb's passages to the intake, where they empty their buckets into the air stream. But, if you don't ride the bike for a while, bad things can happen.

Tiny bats take up residence in the chambers of the carb, and before long the passages are plugged up with guano. This creates a gnome traffic jam, and so not enough bucketfuls of fuel can get to the engine. If it gets bad enough, the gnomes simply give up and go take a nap. The engine wind run at all at this point. Sometimes you'll have a single dedicated gnome still on the job, which is why the bike will occasionally fire as the gnome tosses his lone bucket load down the intake.

There has been some research into using tiny dwarves in modern carbs. The advantage is that unlike gnomes, dwarves are miners and can often re-open a clogged passage. Unfortunately, dwarves have a natural fear of earthquakes, as any miner should. In recent tests, the engine vibrations caused the dwarves to evacuate the Harley-Davidson test vehicle and make a beeline for the nearest BMW dealership. Sadly, BMW's are fuel injected and so the poor dwarves met an unfortunate end in the rollers of a Bosch fuel pump.

Other carb problems can also occur. If the level of fuel in the float bowl rises too high, it will wipe out the poorer gnome housing in the lower parts of the carb. The more affluent gnomes build their homes in the diaphragm chamber, and so are unaffected. This is why the bike is said to be "running rich".

If the fuel level drops, then the gnomes have to walk further to get a bucket of fuel. This means less fuel gets to the engine. Because the gnomes get quite a workout from this additional distance, this condition is known as "running lean".

The use of the device known only as the 'choke' has finally been banned by PETG (People for the Ethical Treatment of Gnomes) and replaced by a new carb circuit that simply allows more gnomes to carry fuel at once when the engine needs to start or warm up. In the interest of decorum, I prefer not to explain how the 'choke' operated. You would rather not know anyway.

So thats how a carburetor works. You may wish to join us here next week for basics of electricity or, "How your bike creates cold fusion inside the stator, and why the government doesn't want you to know about it" also, about "How the flow rats affect the hamsters that drive the front sprocket"

That is all.

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Offline NitroHunter

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2009, 01:45:13 PM »
I wondered how that works...
Good stuff!  ;D
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Offline 72 yellow

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2009, 02:01:27 PM »
And here I wasted all that money on that thick factory manual. ;D  ;D

Offline moham

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2009, 03:04:32 PM »
Get those gnomes bigger buckets for crissake...
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Offline jhasewhite

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2009, 06:03:01 PM »
please, don't give this man any (more?) drugs.



hehe
slow and steady does nothing.

Offline Blasbo

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2009, 07:54:33 PM »
I am interested in your analysis and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

bissinger

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2009, 08:06:46 PM »
I am interested in your analysis and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Wish I saw this before I posted a carb help thread.

Offline HondaMan

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2009, 08:11:00 PM »
My friends tell me that "carburetor" is a French work that means, "don't mess with it."
 :)
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Offline Hush

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2009, 08:55:56 PM »
Can I get gnomes with huge buckets and thereby oversize my carbs? :D
I think the thing I most like about motorcycling is the speed at which my brain must process information at to avoid the numb skulls who are eating pies, playing the ukulele, applying make-up etc in the comfort of their airconditioned armchairs as they make random attempts to kill me!!!!!!!

Offline Frankencake

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2009, 09:06:10 PM »
I believe that Stabil is an anti-depressant for gnomes.  Is this untrue? 
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Offline PJ

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2009, 09:51:32 PM »
My Dad used to say that carbs were alot like toilets.....pretty close I guess.

Offline Blasbo

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2009, 07:25:30 AM »
My friends tell me that "carburetor" is a French work that means, "don't mess with it."
 :)
I had a '68 Volvo 145 with twin SU carbs. I got a book that said carburetor is French for don't fool with it. Or maybe another four letter word beginning with "f"?
Also heard a pair of SUs attached to an engine will keep a man out of taverns and the arms of ladies of questionable virtue forever.
So why did I buy machine with FOUR carbs attached to it!?

Offline Johnny5

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #12 on: March 10, 2009, 07:34:09 AM »
Dont gnomes know how to use a shovel? Or better yet, use their pointed little hats and burrow through the bat crap.

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Offline OakBehringer

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #13 on: March 10, 2009, 08:29:39 AM »
Hahahahahaha!!!

Is SeaFoam what gnomes drink for coffee?

Seriously, pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase explain electricity to me.
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Offline Deltarider

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #14 on: March 10, 2009, 09:18:50 AM »
Modern gasolines like Shell's V-Power or BP's Ultimate help passages in carbs to stay clean.
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8trackmind

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2009, 09:52:04 AM »
Great Post.  :)
« Last Edit: March 13, 2009, 10:42:19 AM by 8trackmind »

Offline jhasewhite

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2009, 01:38:58 PM »
Electricity, in reference to old Hondas, Is the transport of smoke through wires.
slow and steady does nothing.

Offline Duke McDukiedook

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2009, 02:07:07 PM »
Naw man, you're thinking of old british bikes. Sometimes you had to put more smoke in 'em if they lost all their smoke.
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Offline mrbreeze

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2009, 08:12:39 PM »
The basic secret of carb function is that inside each carb are thousands of tiny gnomes; each with a small bucket. As you open the throttle, more of these gnomes are allowed out of their house and into the float bowl, where they fill the buckets and climb up the carb's passages to the intake, where they empty their buckets into the air stream. But, if you don't ride the bike for a while, bad things can happen.

Tiny bats take up residence in the chambers of the carb, and before long the passages are plugged up with guano. This creates a gnome traffic jam, and so not enough bucketfuls of fuel can get to the engine. If it gets bad enough, the gnomes simply give up and go take a nap. The engine wind run at all at this point. Sometimes you'll have a single dedicated gnome still on the job, which is why the bike will occasionally fire as the gnome tosses his lone bucket load down the intake.

There has been some research into using tiny dwarves in modern carbs. The advantage is that unlike gnomes, dwarves are miners and can often re-open a clogged passage. Unfortunately, dwarves have a natural fear of earthquakes, as any miner should. In recent tests, the engine vibrations caused the dwarves to evacuate the Harley-Davidson test vehicle and make a beeline for the nearest BMW dealership. Sadly, BMW's are fuel injected and so the poor dwarves met an unfortunate end in the rollers of a Bosch fuel pump.

Other carb problems can also occur. If the level of fuel in the float bowl rises too high, it will wipe out the poorer gnome housing in the lower parts of the carb. The more affluent gnomes build their homes in the diaphragm chamber, and so are unaffected. This is why the bike is said to be "running rich".

If the fuel level drops, then the gnomes have to walk further to get a bucket of fuel. This means less fuel gets to the engine. Because the gnomes get quite a workout from this additional distance, this condition is known as "running lean".

The use of the device known only as the 'choke' has finally been banned by PETG (People for the Ethical Treatment of Gnomes) and replaced by a new carb circuit that simply allows more gnomes to carry fuel at once when the engine needs to start or warm up. In the interest of decorum, I prefer not to explain how the 'choke' operated. You would rather not know anyway.

So thats how a carburetor works. You may wish to join us here next week for basics of electricity or, "How your bike creates cold fusion inside the stator, and why the government doesn't want you to know about it" also, about "How the flow rats affect the hamsters that drive the front sprocket"

That is all.


I don't remember where it was but I read this before a few years ago.
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Offline cafe750

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Re: Unlocking the secrets of carbs...
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2009, 11:46:17 PM »
I retyped it, and got it from the Aerostich catalog...It still makes for an entertaining read... ;D
"It's an old motorcycle, the wind is supposed to blow your head around, it's supposed to leak oil, the brakes should suck, and every now and then, it should scare you so bad you piss your pants."



Roy, Washington