Author Topic: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!  (Read 10277 times)

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Offline Terry in Australia

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New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« on: October 18, 2005, 05:52:13 PM »
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground.  It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the
ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck!  Thet way they'll  know how bug  the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes.  She finds condoms;  10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy! Oy! Oy!  ;D
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

eldar

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2005, 06:54:42 PM »
I think you aussies are putting them on wrong. They do not go on your FEET! ;D  And those peanut shells you guys use just do not work!

Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2005, 09:05:30 PM »
Well Eldy, I've got a foot, but I don't use it as a rule! ;)
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

Offline 750deepsouth

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2005, 11:59:24 PM »
Hello chaps. Follow this link for a course in "How to speak Aussie"

{Terry, you don't have to bother doing this, of course  ;D }

http://stuffucanuse.com/aussie_windows/Speak_aussie.htm

Offline 750deepsouth

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2005, 12:01:35 AM »
Speaking of 'how to speak aussie'   - - - - - - - -

During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."

Offline 750deepsouth

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2005, 12:05:01 AM »
Finally {!} in case any of your take the wrong turn on your way to visit our fair country, some words and phrases for you.
{Unfortunately we've picked up one or two of these ourselves - thats what comes of living too close to them!}


Act - Pretending to be something you're not

Bag - Refers to a lady who is not particularly pleasant.

Barbie (Barbeque) - Like a cook out. Many people get together for a 'Barbie' in the warmer months. They are usually BYO (Bring your own) meat and drinks.

Barney - A fight or scuffle.

Beaut - Very good. Excellent.

Billy - Used for making tea in, usually over a campfire. The best billies are the old ones. They make better tea.

Black Stump - Out towards the horizon. A long way away.

Block - Block has a few meanings but the more Aussie one is your head.

Bloke - A person - usually a male.

Bludge - Not doing anything or getting things of others.

Blue - A blue can be a fight or the nickname of someone with red hair.

Booze - Alcohol, usually beer.

Bush - Bush refers to somewhere in the country or away from the city.

Chuck - Chuck has a few meanings. It can mean to throw or to put in.

Conk - To hit someone.

Cow - As well as being the animal that gives us milk it also means anything that is difficult.

Crook - Not feeling well or not going well.

Dag - A bit of a fool or not very well presented.

Dinkum - Genuine or honest.

Dob In - To tell (an authority) on someone.

Dunny - A toilet.

Fair Go - Give some a chance or an opportunity to do something.

Galah - A fool or a silly person.

Gidday - A greeting. It is the Aussie way of saying good day.

Grouse - Means excellent.

Gutzer - Some plans don't work out or to have an accident.

Hooly-Dooly - An expression of surprise.

Jakeroo or Jillaroo - A farm hand, usually on a cattle station (very large farms).

Kick - To share or join in.

Knackers - testicles (also `love spuds', 'nuts' or 'nads')

Lollies - Candy or sweets.

Mate - This usually means a friend but it can be used to talk about or to anyone - even a total stranger.

Mug - Either a fool or your face.

Owyergoin - A greeting. How are you going? Often used with 'Gidday' and 'Mate'.

Pester - Annoy or bother someone.

Piss - alcohol, usually beer.

Pub - Any hotel. A favourite meeting place of many Australians.

Quack - A doctor, especially if they are not very good.

Ratbag - Someone who does not behave properly.

Raw Prawn - A lie or a con job.

Sack - To be fired from a job.

Scrub - Can be the same as the bush or mean areas in the country where there are not many trees.

Shiela - Female or woman Shirty - To get upset or angry.

Shoot Through - To leave or disappear.

Shout - Pay for someone else.

Skite - To boast.

Sport - A more general way of referring to someone rather than a mate.

Strewth - An exclamation, often of surprise.

Thongs - Rubber sandals.

Togs - A set of clothes. More often used to refer to a swimming costume.

Tucker - Food. Australian schools call their canteens a 'tuckshop.'

Winge - Complain and carry on unnecessarily.

Wog - An illness such as the flu.

Yakker - Work - usually hard work.

Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2005, 04:15:15 AM »
G'Day Andy, owyergoin mate? Strewth, it took you nearly a day to reply to this post, I was so worried about you cobber, I thought you must've been crook in bed with the wog, or hungover from a big night on the piss, or maybe you got lucky with a grouse Sheila down the Pub? Anyway, I better stop bludging and get out to the shed and find that headlight rim for Paul Knapp and send it off tomorrow, or he'll have me knackers, and probably knock me block off too, ha ha! Cheers, Terry. ;D   
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

Offline 750deepsouth

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2005, 06:50:51 PM »
 ;D Very good Terry.

Last one before our long weekend now, I'm hot footing it to Central Otago

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound
of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie has a bright red hand print
on his cheek.

No one speaks........

The old lady thinks:
That Aussie must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks:
That Aussie must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the
old lady. She slapped his cheek.

The Aussie thinks:
That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him
but missed and got me instead.

The Kiwi thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that Aussie again    :D


Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2005, 07:07:02 PM »
Aw c'mon Andy, that old generic "fill in the blank" joke? You gotta do better than that mate, that was just lazy............. Cheers, Terry. ???
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

eldar

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2005, 08:36:27 AM »
Gee I thought is was pretty good.  ;D

Offline dusterdude

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2005, 08:46:04 AM »
yea so did i
mark
1972 k1 750
1949 fl panhead
1 1/2 gl1100 goldwings
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Offline Sam Green Racing

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2005, 06:52:57 PM »
I wish you two sheep shaggers would pack it in calling each other......errr... on second thoughts, keep it up...it's great fun. ;D ;D ;D
C95 sprint bike.
CB95 hybrid race bike
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RS 175. sprint/land speed bike
JMR Racing CB750A street ET drag bike

Offline 750deepsouth

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2005, 01:15:23 AM »
Yeah Terry. Sorry, I was in a hurry. Spent the weekend getting to know the world class chardonnay's being produced up in Central Otago.
I'll be back to normal working order once I get my head clear   ???

Offline 750deepsouth

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Got to get Terry smiling again ~
« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2005, 10:36:11 PM »
THE NEW GORILLA............
Auckland Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult
to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male
gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Rick, a
big Aussie lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Rick, like most
Aussies, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to
satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they
might have a solution.

Rick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have
sex with the gorilla for $500? Rick showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Rick announced that he would accept their offer,
only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Secondly, you must never till anyone about this."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they
 asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Rick, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500."


Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2005, 03:20:31 AM »
Well I guess I've been hanging around the 'net too long now Andy, once again I've read that joke many times and it's become somewhat of a "generic-fill in the blank" joke, although to be fair, it might be quite new there in NZ?

I think I liked your other joke better mate, you know, the one about how you " Spent the weekend getting to know the world class chardonnay's being produced up in Central Otago", ha ha, geez, I bet those French wine producers are quaking in their boots!

I can just imagine them saying "Sacre Bleu! Zee Keewee's 'ave ruined our livelihood! Let's go seenk another one of their Navy's greenpeace ships in protest! Good one mate, ha ha! Cheers, Terry. ;D
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

eldar

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #15 on: October 25, 2005, 08:08:39 AM »
Well terry, not all of us have seen the aussie jokes. We normally just point our fingers at the land of Oz and laugh! ;D

Offline 750deepsouth

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #16 on: October 25, 2005, 01:14:36 PM »
Terry. You are setting the joke standards very high, I would'nt expect anything else of course. 
You need to get hold of a couple of jars of that Greenstone Chardonnay, and worry about those Vintner’s down in the Hunter Valley.
I don't think we'll worry the French too much, we nobbled their agents and put them away [briefly] so they don't mess around with us kiwi's anymore !
{We only produce about 1% of the world's wines, but yes, I guess we can admit, they are the top 1%}

 ;)



Extracts from the Australian Etiquette Handbook..............

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify  people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When  decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to  bruise the wine
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the  table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL  HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done  in private, using one's OWN Ute  keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant  isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few  days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on  the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been  wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two  years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.  Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the  groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper     can create a tacky appearance.
4. Although uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1.  Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and  the Roo's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the  largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
5. When sending your wife down the road with petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #17 on: October 25, 2005, 09:06:59 PM »
Well terry, not all of us have seen the aussie jokes. We normally just point our fingers at the land of Oz and laugh! ;D

Well done Eldy, you must be in the top 1% of Americans, a recent survey indicated that 99% of Americans could not identify Australia on a map of the world! Or did you mean the land of Oz in "The Wizard of Oz"? You do understand that that was just a Hollywood musical comedy mate, and not a documentary? Ha ha, Cheers, Terry. ;D
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2005, 09:30:13 PM »
Terry. You are setting the joke standards very high, I would'nt expect anything else of course. 
You need to get hold of a couple of jars of that Greenstone Chardonnay, and worry about those Vintner’s down in the Hunter Valley.
I don't think we'll worry the French too much, we nobbled their agents and put them away [briefly] so they don't mess around with us kiwi's anymore !
{We only produce about 1% of the world's wines, but yes, I guess we can admit, they are the top 1%}
 /quote]

Well done Andy, that was a much better effort mate, ha ha! I wouldn't get too carried away with NZ's efforts re: the Frog bombers though, seeing that NZ backed down and handed them back to France, and France gave them both a bloody medal and financial compensation for their efforts!

Now I'm no wine buff, but to show you that I am always interested in whats happening in Australia's "8th state", I reckon you should send me a "couple of jars of that Greenstone Chardonnay", so I can decide for myself if your "plonk" is as good as you're saying? Ha ha, Cheers, Terry. ;D
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

eldar

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2005, 10:04:29 PM »
Nope! I was referring to ozzie land! Yes the place where steve irwin comes from!

Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2005, 10:56:00 PM »
Nope! I was referring to ozzie land! Yes the place where steve irwin comes from!

That's it mate, well done! Cheers, Terry. ;D
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

Offline 750deepsouth

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #21 on: October 26, 2005, 02:14:56 AM »
Quote
Well done Andy, that was a much better effort mate, ha ha! I wouldn't get too carried away with NZ's efforts re: the Frog bombers though, seeing that NZ backed down and handed them back to France, and France gave them both a bloody medal and financial compensation for their efforts!

Now I'm no wine buff, but to show you that I am always interested in whats happening in Australia's "8th state", I reckon you should send me a "couple of jars of that Greenstone Chardonnay", so I can decide for myself if your "plonk" is as good as you're saying? Ha ha, Cheers, Terry.

Terry, well done ! your knowledge of our history shows you might be in the top 1% I.Q. for Aussie !  :D
The French. are you familair with the word 'blackmail' ? yes ? then you will know the dirty sods threatened to block all our exports to them. I know, I know, little excuse, but the French get very dogmatic on these matters, and they were going to screw us big time. Most kiwi's had very mixed feelings about releasing them into French 'custody' and the medal bull#$%* ! well, they were under orders, and were military personnel. At least they did do a bit of porridge. Some drunk drivers get less time [in both our countries] for being the cause of traffic accidents that kill people. Same thing, murder.
At least we got them, Osama bin what's-his-name is still on the loose...

Wine Terry, I'm not a wino either, although as I get older I'll drink anything [in moderation, of course  ;)] I really do prefer Beer. Speights. Not that insipid piss you blokes try to knock back on those islands to our west.
I'll try to send you some bottle of that Greenstone Gold, but hey, rem. you only asked for the bottles mate! I'll probably scoff the juice before posting ! 


 ;D ;D

Offline Terry in Australia

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #22 on: October 26, 2005, 03:59:39 AM »
Thanks mate, the "Rainbow Warrior" thing was big news here too, but no-one was more shocked than us when the frogs were handed over, while I understand the trade situation, what price integrity? Did NZ stay out of the Gulf War because of a justifiable moral stance (that I agree with) or because the government didn't want to upset it's European trading partners? Ah well, I hope NZ is selling them heaps of that Kiwi booze mate, I'd hate to think that Helen and Co are grabbing their collective ankles for free, ha ha! Cheers, Terry. ;D
I was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't afford new bike boots, until I met a man with no legs.

So I said, "Hey mate, you haven't got any bike boots you don't need, do you?"

"Crazy is a very misunderstood term, it's a fine line that some of us can lean over and still keep our balance" (thanks RB550Four)

Offline 750deepsouth

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Long Post. Aussies, esp. Queenslanders, might want to get a beer.
« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2005, 05:53:02 PM »
The first section of the following post should be read with background music 'God Defend New Zealand'
The second section is best read with 'Advance Australia Fair' on the turntable, failing that, 'Walzing Matilda' will do.
A little known third option for Australia is the, um, 'interesting' Rolf Harris version of Led Zep's 'Stairway to Heaven'

{La Marseillaise will not be tolerated at ANY point}

Hi Terry, I really expected the bite to come from that insult to your XXXX brew ! I wonder if I got away with it ??  ;D
Did I tell you i'm popping over the channel in a few weeks time ? must rem. to bring my own beer.....

I don't disagree with a lot you say {although you can't believe how much it pains me to admit I agree with ANY Aussie apart from my Dear Wife, who is standing over me as I type this}

Quote
but no-one was more shocked than us when the frogs were handed over, while I understand the trade situation, what price integrity?
I think if you ask ANY politician, integrity does have a price. For some it's f-all, for others it's quite high. Not many of the latter.

"The matter that caused me most difficulty was the Rainbow Warrior. I shall always be pursued by it.
Whenever I speak and ask for questions from the audience, the one I least want to answer and the one always asked, is 'why did you give the agents back?' If it is put to me as an issue of principle, I can only acknowledge that it was not dealt with as such. If it was not an issue of principle, I have to ask myself why I made it one, and I cannot answer that.
The two agents were charged swith murder but on appearance in court, charges were changed to manslaughter. Well before the trial the Fr. Govt had asked us what we wanted for release of their agents. I told the Fr privately, and said publicly, that our legal process must run its course. The agents pleaded guiltly and would not let their lawyer plea any mitigation. {I doubt the Fr Govt wanted its modus operandi thrashed out in court}
On appearance for sentencing, the agents were handed convictions and 10 yr sentences when the normal length for such a charge was 3 yrs.
I said the agents would serve out their sentence in New Zealand, not imagining the the Govt of Fr. would resort to extortion. but I should have known a Govt which sent agents to carry out an act of terrorism would resort to anything.
The Fr. reaction was to promise economic sanctions. In those days France had a veto power in the EC which would end our export of primary produce in Europe. It would have been a crippling blow. We could usually rely on British assistance but in this case it was clear the British were not inclined to intervene.
Negotiations opened and the Fr. offered aettlement - an apology, compensation, and to leave our export trade alone. In return, the agents would be released to French custody for 3 yrs......
....There was a general outcry when the agents were released to French custody on Hao Atoll, and more was to come when the Fr. breached the terms of the settlement and let the agents go home to France. Having said all I had, and having raised public expectations that the agents would stay here, I had to wear the contempt."

From David Lange - My life

Quote
Did NZ stay out of the Gulf War because of a justifiable moral stance (that I agree with) or because the government didn't want to upset it's European trading partners?
Absolutely everything do do with the former, and absolutely NOTHING to do with the latter. This country has far more to lose by taking the moral stance. {Does John wear lots of holes in the knees of his pants ? :D}

Now, must get back on-topic...

These questions about Australia were supposedly posted on an Australian Tourism Website  -  Obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.
 
 1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
     A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
 
 2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
     A: Depends how much you've been drinking
 
 3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad  tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
 
 4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
     A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
 
 5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
     A: Let's not touch this one.
 
 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
     A: What did your last slave die of?
 
 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Australia? (USA)
     A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... Oh    forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings  Cross. Come naked.
 
 8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
     A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
 
 9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
     A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
 
 10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
     A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which  is...oh forget it.   Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,  straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
 
 11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?  (France)
      A: No, WE don't stink.
 
 12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia  (USA)
      A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
 
 13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
      A: You are a British politician, right?
 
 14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
           population is smaller than the male population?  (Italy)
      A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
 
 15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
      A: Only at Christmas.
 
 16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
      A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
 
 17. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
           forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
       A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
           of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
           scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
 
 18. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
           I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
       A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
 
 19. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
      A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 
 20. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
       A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
 
 21. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year  round? (Germany)
      A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.  Milk is illegal.
 

 


« Last Edit: October 26, 2005, 06:11:30 PM by andynzl »

Offline Quail "Owner of the comfortable k8"

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Re: New Zealand in Crisis, helped out by their Aussie mates!
« Reply #24 on: October 26, 2005, 07:36:36 PM »

Quote

Well done Eldy, you must be in the top 1% of Americans, a recent survey indicated that 99% of Americans could not identify Australia on a map of the world!
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Terry
Do you really think 1% of Americans know where Australia is?  I do not think 1% of us in the USA think anyone lives outside of the US and Europe.  Australia is on the bottom of the world, no one could live there, you would fall off.  Just ask 99% of North Americans! 

Terry (USA)
These wonderful little birds are great flyers, delicious eating, excellent for training your hunting dog, and just fun to shoot,or stuff and keep around the house.  Bobwhites can be put with other types of Quail and have very large penis's.  Quail are very popular with the babes.