1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
6. Keep extra poly-grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act and have a headache.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
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