Bill, I am so sorry for your loss... I lost my wife of twenty-eight years fifteen years ago in August. Leukemia. We had been high school sweethearts, and married just after graduation. I watched her waste away in front of me until, one day in her sleep, she just went. I was as devastated as you surely feel now; my world came to an end. When I think of those times now, it's like I was moving through syrup... everything seemed to happen in slow motion, like can happen during a car crash, which is kind of what losing her felt like. The first year or two were the worst. I faced the same things you are going through now; Christmas, Thanksgiving, our Anniversary, birthdays, our favorite restaurants, places to picnic and hike, our favorite music...
Everyone told me that things would get better with time, but I didn't see how that could ever be possible; the hurt, grief and longing were just too deep. How do you heal yourself when half of you has been ripped away?
But, they were right. After the first year or so, I gradually stopped seeing her around every corner. The knot in my stomach slowly started to unravel. I started going out more and doing more things, even going back to some of our old haunts (I will say, though, I can no longer listen to certain albums of music. They say music creates a very strong emotional bond, and I believe them. Certain songs still get to me if I hear them). Eventually, I started to laugh and enjoy life again. I met a wonderful woman, actually fell in love again, and ten years ago we were married. My first wife and I didn't have any children, but this woman had two teenage girls that have grown to love me like a father, and I now have a little granddaughter to play with who knows and loves me only as her "Gampa".
I am now living through the best and most rewarding times of my life.
What I'm trying to say is that things will get easier to handle. It will take time; grieving isn't something you can either rush or ignore (I am so glad you have a family to turn to. I didn't, and it was tough). The life I had with my first wife was a wonderful time I will always remember and cherish, but life must go on. While you will never stop loving her, it will ease and fade into a memory. Again, give it time. Don't worry about talking too much to people right now - that's exactly what you need to be doing. Keep making arrangements like you're doing for Christmas; get the family together as much as possible. And, one day, you'll wake up and the knot in your stomach will be gone and you just won't feel like crying anymore. Trust me. It will happen.
Once again, sorry for your loss and hang in there, man.
Ron
