Author Topic: Infidelity (Read 2963 times)

DavePhipps · « **on:** September 20, 2009, 10:16:41 AM »

My wife and I are splitting up. We've been arguing so much about the kids it's ridiculous. I have three kids from a previos partner, she and they do not get along at all. THat in turn has created much strife between the wife, kids, and I. Last month we diceded to seperate. I'm only working part time so I cannot move out yet. She said she does not want a divorce she just doesn't want me to live here anymore. I agreeed with her completely. She also said she is not going to be seeing anyone else and that she finds the idea abhorrent.
Now one month down the line she coming home from work 4-5 hours late most days of the week. She has changed the way she dresses, and avoids talking with me. Last week I noticed something about here that made me feel like I got kicked in the stomach. It was one of those days where she came home very late, and she positively reeked of sex. I could smell it from 5 feet away. Today she is gone again. She usually will tell me where she's going, but today it was "I'm going out for awhile". That was 4 hours ago.
I've been through my fair share of relatioships and the signs are pointing to her having someone else. Part of me understands, but I cannot forget how she has told me numerous times that she would never see someone else while in any sort of relationship, that the thought of doing so sickens her. I hate being lied to more than anything else. I guess that the best thing I can do is find another job and get the heck out while my sanity is still intact.
Nobody needs to reply to this, you can if you want. I just needed to let this out somehow and express some of the pain.

coldright · « **Reply #1 on:** September 20, 2009, 10:42:39 AM »

I am so sorry to hear this. Hang in there and make sure to take care of yourself during this difficult time. It might be good to confirm with her what is going on so that you can make the right choices for your self... she owes you the truth, as much as it hurts, right?

I went through something similar last fall although we weren't married (no kids) and we'd split up for good, we continued to live together (we were working on an unfinished addition). He started dating someone and fell in love two months after we broke up. It was hell. He insisted on bringing her over to our house even. Even though I had ended it, it was really awful having to live under those conditions. Pure Hell.

Maybe you need to ask her to move out...

mystic_1 · « **Reply #2 on:** September 20, 2009, 02:46:14 PM »

Quote from: davephipps on September 20, 2009, 10:16:41 AM

I hate being lied to more than anything else.

+1

mystic_1

Duke McDukiedook · « **Reply #3 on:** September 20, 2009, 03:03:03 PM »

Demand the truth from her and if she is not willing to fess up then let her know what you know at this point because your gut is telling you something loud and clear.

If she still won't come clean after that discussion either hire a PI do do some investigating or do your own, you are being lied to.

You do not deserve to be lied to if you have been fairly honest with her to this point in your marriage.

Good luck.

Raul CB750K1 · « **Reply #4 on:** September 20, 2009, 03:25:13 PM »

From what I've read, the only reason you still live together is that you can't afford to move.

That is, even when your bodies live together, your souls don't.

Look into yourself and find out whether your relationship can be recovered or not. If the answer is "no", then let her free. If both of you have decided to split, both of you have the right to start over again, and even when she told you she wouldn't start a new relationship, it doesn't mean she must stick to her word. Maybe she wanted not to hurt you.

When couples split, both parties need to feel they are still "in the market" and they can start over again. Women have an easier time finding a new couple, even if it is just "casual" or "temporary" and that way she feel atractive and desired again. Probably her relationship won't last long. Probably she wants you to be jealous and "fight" for her, and put your love to the test. Now it is up to you whether you really want to start over or you really want to recover her.

From my point of view, telling she won't date anyone and doing is a white lie. It is worst to live for years believing your other half loves you and she/he doesn't.

BobbyR · « **Reply #5 on:** September 20, 2009, 04:43:10 PM »

Dave, no one knows where the heart will go. This is a toxic situation and I truly think you need to get away from it. From your tone you are being tortured by this, and that is never good.

coldright · « **Reply #6 on:** September 20, 2009, 05:17:31 PM »

I know you aren't thinking of the legals right now, but if you move out, you essentially walk away from the house. The kids are yours right? If you own the house together, ask her to leave. The situation is toxic and if she is screwing around, it would be good to ask her to take it somewhere else. Unless, of course, you still want her and want to work it out... you are married after all.

Then tell her.

BobbyR · « **Reply #7 on:** September 20, 2009, 05:33:36 PM »

Quote from: coldright on September 20, 2009, 05:17:31 PM

I know you aren't thinking of the legals right now, but if you move out, you essentially walk away from the house. The kids are yours right? If you own the house together, ask her to leave. The situation is toxic and if she is screwing around, it would be good to ask her to take it somewhere else. Unless, of course, you still want her and want to work it out... you are married after all.

Then tell her.

+1

honda750k · « **Reply #8 on:** September 20, 2009, 05:33:45 PM »

Quote from: coldright on September 20, 2009, 05:17:31 PM

I know you aren't thinking of the legals right now, but if you move out, you essentially walk away from the house. The kids are yours right? If you own the house together, ask her to leave. The situation is toxic and if she is screwing around, it would be good to ask her to take it somewhere else. Unless, of course, you still want her and want to work it out... you are married after all.

Then tell her.

Wise advice.

Honestly, this would be where the two of you need to sit down one night and seriously talk about wht you both want. get your feelings and concerns out in the open because bottling them up just isnt good for you or her, nor the kids.

I would suggest finding a way to suppor yourself and your kids, if you own the home, get her out, or move if she owns it. if you both own it, you're gonna need a lawyer.

Try to make everything end on a civil note if you can, itmay not help legally, but you wont feel bad later.

bill440cars · « **Reply #9 on:** September 20, 2009, 05:53:38 PM »

Quote from: BobbyR on September 20, 2009, 05:33:36 PM

Quote from: coldright on September 20, 2009, 05:17:31 PM
I know you aren't thinking of the legals right now, but if you move out, you essentially walk away from the house. The kids are yours right? If you own the house together, ask her to leave. The situation is toxic and if she is screwing around, it would be good to ask her to take it somewhere else. Unless, of course, you still want her and want to work it out... you are married after all.

Then tell her.
+1

My sentiments as well! That's really too bad about your situation and I really feel for your position. You should KNOW that the SOHC4 group is behind you and feels for you as well. I'm Praying that this comes out the best for you and the kids.

edbikerii · « **Reply #10 on:** September 20, 2009, 06:32:58 PM »

Dave, get yourself a lawyer. Depending upon your state, you might be surprised to find out what matters and what doesn't.

In NJ it doesn't matter if you stay or leave, you are each entitled to a portion of the marital assets depending upon what percentages were paid when you were married, regardless of who paid and who didn't. I stayed way too long, because I thought it would matter for both the house and custody of the kids. It didn't.

And don't kid yourself. If she's cheating on you, then you are now the enemy in her eyes, and "all's fair in love & war". I wouldn't trust her ever again. Start making plans for how you want your life to be without her. Things might just be better, after all.

Quote from: coldright on September 20, 2009, 05:17:31 PM

I know you aren't thinking of the legals right now, but if you move out, you essentially walk away from the house. The kids are yours right? If you own the house together, ask her to leave. The situation is toxic and if she is screwing around, it would be good to ask her to take it somewhere else. Unless, of course, you still want her and want to work it out... you are married after all.

Then tell her.

Inigo Montoya · « **Reply #11 on:** September 20, 2009, 07:11:28 PM »

After seeing 2 particularly nasty divorces, my grandpa and grandma and a friends parents, I have to agree with ed.
The corner has been turned when she started "working" late and continued to do so. She no longer cares about the marriage and I would not be one bit surprised if she has not already been seeking legal counsel against you. Get the papers ready for divorce now. Before you actually serve them, talk to her about it or sit outside her work if you can and see when she ACTUALLY leaves. If you do have the funds, a PI might be a good idea.

I know some might go the way of the heart here but after seeing the couple dirty splits and knowing what my mother did to my father, I feel the heart has to take the backseat here.

GoatBaSS · « **Reply #12 on:** September 21, 2009, 01:18:51 AM »

Bad situation. Sounds like the kids are an excuse. Kids are just that, grownups should know better. Good pointers here. But be pro active whatever you do.
That Gut feeling sucks. It is usually dead on...

tramp · « **Reply #13 on:** September 21, 2009, 03:35:55 AM »

get a lawyer
protect yourself and your kids
ask her whats going on

Blueridgerunner · « **Reply #14 on:** September 21, 2009, 04:09:12 AM »

I went thru the same thing years ago. Happily, after getting rid of her, I met and married a wonderful woman to whom I have spent the past 25 years with.
"A 2nd marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"
-250 year old quote

BIKE · « **Reply #15 on:** September 21, 2009, 06:39:40 AM »

I have no experience or advice really. I just wanted to wish you the best and to make sure you understand to think of yourself when it comes to the relationship you have with her.

Be well.

CaféElite · « **Reply #16 on:** September 21, 2009, 07:09:47 AM »

You guys split so you should have zero expectations of her no matter what she has said. You are kicking your own a55 by staying in that house, which you need to end ASAP. If you own the home then you could ask her to leave but then could you afford the house payment? Do your kids from your previous relationship live with you? If not is there something in your child support paperwork saying you have provide each their own room while at your house.

Considering your still married and what state you live in you could get a divorce from her without much issue if you can prove she is cheating on you. This banks on how evil you want to be. You might think that you could never do that to someone you love but just try to say that when she walks in the door dressed to kill, with a smile on her face and smelling like s3x.

Go to the bar one night and watch all the single women come and go. The goal isnt to pick up a women but realize there are a lot of attractive single girls out there. Then again maybe you just need to look at your kids and wonder if they should be the focus of your life. Thats what I did..

Uncle Ernie · « **Reply #17 on:** September 21, 2009, 08:29:56 AM »

Recognize the difference between accusing and talking. If she won't talk, you need to get OUT. Look back; did anyone in your lifetime promise "Fair"? She does not have to tell you anything- even the truth. Just giddy-up. Get out. No recriminations- it feels good for 10 minutes and you expect to beat her over the head with accusations and reason until she sees the error of her ways- but she won't and it will only get uglier. Just get out any way you can. The sooner the better. Last month would be a good time.

If you get a round tooit; "Keeping The Love You Find" by Harvel Hendrix. It's a ton of work to get through, and worth it. You need to figure out why you picked her in the first place.

edbikerii · « **Reply #18 on:** September 21, 2009, 09:04:27 AM »

Quote from: Uncle Ernie on September 21, 2009, 08:29:56 AM

If you get a round tooit; "Keeping The Love You Find" by Harvel Hendrix. It's a ton of work to get through, and worth it. You need to figure out why you picked her in the first place.

Yes, Imago theory is very interesting. I read Hendrix's other book "Getting the Love You Want" as part of my marriage counseling. Marriage counseling sure didn't save my marriage -- in fact it just made the marriage worse -- but it made my life better.

Uncle Ernie · « **Reply #19 on:** September 21, 2009, 01:55:01 PM »

The book I posted isn't for marriage counseling. It's basically showing how if you don't learn some things about yourself, you're going to keep making the same mistakes. The repeat offenders often talk of the other gender in sweeping generalities like ,"Men always.." or, "Why can't women.." (or an all-time favorite; "What do women want, anyway?"
It's a lot of homework looking at what you learned as a kid from various sources and how you've internalized some things. Anyway, it sure as hell opened MY eyes to some things- just before I met the onoly woman I could ever live with. A little late in life, but that's OK. I wasn't ready until I got into my 40's I guess.

Personally, I suspect a lot of marriage counseling is just a way to ease the transition out. Maybe I'm wrong...

GoatBaSS · « **Reply #20 on:** September 22, 2009, 03:30:44 AM »

Marriage Counseling helps me, but we are being pro active, and it works. But that is just us...

DavePhipps · « **Reply #21 on:** September 22, 2009, 05:11:42 AM »

I want to reply to all of you but my mind is all a jumble right now. Wife and I have been talking about the situation but we're not finished talking yet.

mystic_1 · « **Reply #22 on:** September 22, 2009, 05:14:02 AM »

No need for you to reply, this forum is ultimately unimportant compared to what you're dealing with.

all the best,

mystic_1

Spanner 1 · « **Reply #23 on:** September 22, 2009, 05:50:23 AM »

Glad to hear you say you and your wife are talking....keep-up the communication as long as you can......looks like splitsville so try hard to keep the 'tone' civil and ,most importantly, work to agree who gets what ( there are guidlines ) down to the last detail if possible and minimise the money you( both ) fork-out to lawyers. Ideally you want your day in court to be just a rubber stamp from the judge........ it can be done.
One other thing.....stay away from the ladies for at least a year...you MUST find-out who you are again as a solo entity, takes time to sort out and can't be rushed, or more disaster will ensue IMO !!.......... best of luck.

Operator · « **Reply #24 on:** September 23, 2009, 11:49:29 AM »

Good Luck brother, that is all I can say right now as I am not personaly involved and cannot judge.

DavePhipps · « **Reply #25 on:** September 24, 2009, 07:17:45 AM »

I'd like to thank everyone for their support here.
The wife and I had a long talk, about a three day long talk.
It turns out that after our last big argument she decided to look elsewhere for comfort. It didn't go as far as I thought it had gone but it went far enough to hurt on hell of a lot.
There is no one side that is fully fault in this. She and I both have our issues. I know what alot of mine are and I'm trying to deal with them for mine and my families sake. I'm doing this regardless of keeping the marriage together.
My wife on the other hand is not sure what her issues are and so we are going to try counseling. I do love her and want to try and make this work. I just want to make sure that she will actually be trying also.
I've now removed our biggest roadblock to communicating. It was my reaction to her getting angry with my kids and I. She would be so unreasonable that I would get angry too. I'm not even close to nice or polite when I'm angry. I explode like an atomic bomb. Then we get stuck arguing, yelling, and nothing gets resolved.
I've now made myself keep control when she gets angry. I tell her that this is the type of situation that made me explode, and I'm trying not to. She then calms down and can talk.
There are many more issues and hopefully we can get those resolved.
However if she ever tries another affair, I will never talk to her again. There will be lawyers involved, one nasty custody battle, and a house lost.

Thank you all for your prayers and support.

Dave

Inigo Montoya · « **Reply #26 on:** September 24, 2009, 08:46:50 AM »

I think I can speak for most if not all of us when I say good luck.
I would still do a simple consult with a lawyer, just in case. Just to cover your butt in the even that things still go south.
I am not saying to stop counseling, nothing like that at all. Just find out options. AS G.I. Joe would say, "knowing is half the battle."

CaféElite · « **Reply #27 on:** September 24, 2009, 10:08:36 AM »

Glad to hear you guys are trying to work it out. Because of that I will keep any other opinions I might have to myself since I dont think they will help your situation except one. I dont know your money situation but I suggest trying to save up around 2500 dollars (more if possible) in a hidden account that way if things dont work out you then money will be the least of your worries.

Good luck..

Operator · « **Reply #28 on:** September 24, 2009, 11:06:30 AM »

I am not saying to hang on when you should be letting go, I am saying that if you both want it to work out and you really believe she is worth the fight, don't give up

my78k · « **Reply #29 on:** September 24, 2009, 11:26:00 AM »

Not much to add other than support here...I am glad you are aa least trying to save it. All too often people give up too easily. I am not saying that EVERY marriage can be saved but I am sure that through open and honest communication SOME can be.

As to still seeking a lawyer's advice...if you do don't get found out! Nothing would sink things faster than having her find out you are getting legal advice behind her back when she thinks you guys are trying to save it.

Dennis

Johnny5 · « **Reply #30 on:** September 24, 2009, 12:55:12 PM »

Dude, that sucks.

My wife and I separated for almost a year and it was the worst time of my life. We decided to hit counseling together and are now together strong. That was about three years ago. Marriage takes some serious commitment from both sides, that's for sure.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

medic09 · « **Reply #31 on:** September 24, 2009, 09:23:37 PM »

I pray, Dave, that this will work well and that you and she will find comfort and security together.

GoatBaSS · « **Reply #32 on:** September 25, 2009, 10:27:33 PM »

AMEN.

Hope · « **Reply #33 on:** September 26, 2009, 08:32:02 AM »

My parents died young, but they were married for a long time. I know now why the workshop had cable, air, heat, and a refrigerator. Sometimes each of you need your own time and space. When you start working full time, you will probably feel better about the situation. Hopefully everything works out for you.

demon78 · « **Reply #34 on:** September 26, 2009, 08:54:11 AM »

Luck from the demon, all good.
Bill the demon.

coldright · « **Reply #35 on:** September 26, 2009, 10:55:53 AM »

I'm glad to hear that you are talking and trying to figure things out. It's much easier to walk away than to stay and work things out. I'm hopeful for you and your wife. Regardless of which path this takes, make sure to take care of yourself. Be well.

Operator · « **Reply #36 on:** September 30, 2009, 11:18:06 AM »

Just checking in to see how things are progressing

News:

Author Topic: Infidelity (Read 2963 times)