Topic: Just need to get this off my chest

[Cvillechopper]

So the wife and I have been trying to have a kid for almost 2 years now.  After the first 10 months of trying we started seeing a specialist and went through the gamut of tests.  Turns out our problem has something to do with me (I'll not get too specific but it's not something they know how to fix).  We've tried everything from me dropping all of my projects (keeping away from chemicals), no cigars, very little alcohol, more exercise, less exercise, special vitamins, no coffee,etc and no material change. 

During this time we've had some complications including my wife having to be taken in for emergency surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy which ruined one of her tubes (happened while I was out of town for work and I had to rush back).  We've tried to stay as positive as we can but it is wearing on us.

Yesterday we found out that the last procedure did not take (something like the 7th or 8th IUI).  We've spent thousands of $$ so far and are going to try at least one more time before deciding if we go the IVF route but even the discussions are hard to deal with.  I'm not an emotional guy.  Normally I try to think things through logically and look for the most appropriate way to alter the outcomes as best I can.  This is the first time I've felt completely helpless in my life and i can't really let her know how much it's affecting me cause she's on the edge of breaking down herself.

I really wanted to just get this off my chest as a way to explain some of my more curt remarks over the past several months.  I don't mean to let that aspect of my life effect everything else but have found that it is starting to. 

For this next go-round I'm cutting coffee back to almost nothing (sure to make me a pleasure at work...), no  alcohol, limited time in the shed, etc but need to find a way to get the stress down too.  No way the amount of stress we are feeling can't be taking some toll on our bodies. 

Any suggestions on good stress-relief that doesn't involve chemicals or drugs that can be done in limited time spans(and riding is on the top of the list right now when we can find the time)?

[Duke McDukiedook]

yoga, meditation, hitting the weights, bagwork (boxing).

[medic09]

Exercise - even 5 minutes at a time if it is all you have.

Tai Chi.  Takes a little time to learn, but worth it.

Relaxation and stretching exercises.  Some like Yoga, I just do a generic stretching routine learned partly from Bob Anderson's old book.  You would be amazed how tight muscles get without noticing, because you unconsciously go about your business and compensate for the tightening.  It creates a feedback loop - tight muscles, unconscious discomfort, stress, more tight muscles...you get the idea.  If you can stretch out and loosen those muscles in a healthy manner, maybe several times a day, it can have an amazing effect on reducing the effects of stress.  IF you can afford it, a single round of therapeutic massage may help break the pattern.

Finally, meditation.  It is easiest to learn it from someone who does it already.

Years ago there was a good book called Yoga Self Taught by Andre Lysbeth (?).  Stretching by Bob Anderson is also an oldie that was popular in climbing circles when I got it.  Core Performance by Verstegen is a good short exercise routine.  What's really good is that none of it can hurt, even if it doesn't exactly do away with all the stress effects.  Remember, all this is stress managment, not cure.  You have to do it frequently to make it work.  One day the cause of the stress will be solved, and it will be better.

I hope you two are okay.  Hang in there.  It took over two years for our first to be born, and my wife was really stressed.  But then again, Sarah in the Bible gave birth in her 90s!  Not sure anyone wants to do that today, though...

Meantime, just keep loving and being kind to each other.  That will be most important in the long run.  

[razor02097]

really depends on what your into.  If you like guns going to a military museum is good or go to a gun range or a machine gun shoot show.

you like cars and such go to the drag strip, car show, etc

you like crafts.... well I'm at a loss.... go knit or something...

I'm no expert but I have a hard time believing that stress and beer is causing your issue.  Sometimes quantity > quality if you know what I mean 

[Cvillechopper]

Thanks guys.  I had forgotten all about my Tai Chi days and how relaxed that made me.  Time to pickup a book and refresh myself on it.  The massage idea is a good one (actually have one scheduled this afternoon for that reason) but for me it's just to help manage the damage I've done over the years.  The stretching is something I'll have to concentrate more on.  I've been on a flag football team in a local league here and that has been my main source of exercise (other than yard work and building a shed, shelves, etc) for a while.  May need to get back into running 5Ks.

raz, you're right.  Even the doc (one of the best in the nation according to MD journals) said my particular issue is a complete unknown but that "excessive" drinking has an impact on everything and that stress, as a general rule, does things to the body that they just don't understand.  We are taking that to the next level and trying to eliminate it as a cause.  My 1 glass of wine a night or a few beers playing poker hardly qualify as excessive but the wife pointed out that each body handles things differently.  Might as well try it out and see if it helps.  Besides, it'll help cut down the little spare tire that's starting to show up.

[Uncle Ernie]

Maybe it's time to listen to God.
There are thousands of kids who'd love a home.

[masonryman]

 My brother in law and his wife went through a very similar situation ending in the disire to adopt, they found a young mother paid for everthing, let her live with them while pregnant, in the end she backed out and kept the baby. They were devastated and gave up, but it all worked out, 6 months later they got pregnant and now they have a 4 year old boy and a 9 year old girl.

That's tuff I had 2 kids in my mid 20's. nither of my brothers have kids and I hardly ever talk to them. Sometimes you just have to live your life and see what happens, control is an illusion.

If you do, or don't, have kids in the end it will be back to just you and her. Take care of each other first.

Best of luck

[Cvillechopper]

We have tried to discuss the idea of adoption and neither of us are opposed to it but resignation is not something that comes easily for either of us (it's why were are who and where we are right now) so contemplating giving up has more than one piece of emotional baggage attached.  The discussions always end up with one or (usually) both of us in/near tears.  Since we would ideally like to have 2 children we think that the second would most likely be adopted and are fine with that thought but just aren't ready to accept that there is some predestined plan that doesn't allow for us to bring a child into the world.  Not yet anyway.

[CaféElite]

They were devastated and gave up, but it all worked out, 6 months later they got pregnant and now they have a 4 year old boy and a 9 year old girl.

Take care of each other first.

It seems like you guys have done a lot to get physically in tip top shape but it seems little is being done regarding your stress level (hers probably more then you). Its easy to say this since im not in your shoes but I would suggest what masonryman pointed at above and focus on being happy together. Things like spending more time together in enjoyable situations like a vacation, community projects, dinner\movies, walks, road trips, house work etc etc whatever you guys are into.  Add in a bit of desired s3x (not just to have a baby) and hopefully it will all pan out for you.

[rachet]

 Any suggestions on good stress-relief that doesn't involve chemicals or drugs that can be done in limited time spans(and riding is on the top of the list right now when we can find the time)?

Have sex for the fun of having sex!  And I'm being completely serious in saying that.  While your end goal is to have a child, and that is great and all, making that the only motivation for sex takes the fun out of it.  like turning a hobby into a job, it loses some of the appeal.  Make a date night, go to the movies, then drive out to some mountain view, and begin bumping nasties... it worked for my parents...

I pray it works out for you,

Rachet-

[bill440cars]

                      My Heart goes out to you two!  We didn't think that WE'D (Brenda and myself) would ever have kids either. Seems that Brenda just couldn't get pregnant. Fortunately for us, she did, after 7 years of marriage. But then, Karla (our little girl) started having seizures after being here on this earth for 11months. So, at first WE were feeling bad because she couldn't get pregnant and then after she did, our Daughter ended up having the seizure problem. So, I am trying (in my very clumsy way) to say that maybe Uncle Ernie has something in what he said. Understand that no one is trying to PUSH you two in ANY direction, just offered suggestions. Also, like Mark (masonryman) said, take care of YOURSELVES first off and make sure that both of you give each other the Love and Attention that BOTH of you need. You two will be in my Prayers, that you all will be able to keep up a STRONG front and SURVIVE TOGETHER!  

                     Please Keep Us Posted and KNOW that the support here is never ending AND ALWAYS willing to (at least) lend an ear.  

[BobbyR]

PM sent

[lynchj]

There is a lot of excellent advice here, it's what makes this "community" of SOHC so great.

I know from my own experience that stress does weird things to me, physically and emotionally. There has to be something that you just love to do, make the time to do it. For me it's riding dirt bikes, I feel like I'm 16 all over again and I can't think of anything but the trail in front of me, all my problems seem to vanish for a while and I feel great after.

Good luck

[tramp]

lot of good idea's already here
how about an easy vacation
no cell phones wing it on the fly
good luck to you and your wife

[andy750]

If you need some professional advice PM me as my g/f works in the reproductive field and advises physicians and gets to meet the top guys in the field (in the NE area). She also knows a lot as well about the science behind it including the IVF route (not all IVF doctors are equal!!). PM me if you need her email address.

Best suggestion to get your stress levels down is excerise. This will boost your overall body health. Diet is of course also important. But...remember enviromental factors only go so far. Genetics play a role as well and the amount they play can be affected by the environmental factors.

In any case good luck and I wish you every success!

cheers
Andy

[TwoTired]

Thanks guys.  I had forgotten all about my Tai Chi days and how relaxed that made me.  Time to pickup a book and refresh myself on it.  The massage idea is a good one (actually have one scheduled this afternoon for that reason) but for me it's just to help manage the damage I've done over the years.  The stretching is something I'll have to concentrate more on.  I've been on a flag football team in a local league here and that has been my main source of exercise (other than yard work and building a shed, shelves, etc) for a while.  May need to get back into running 5Ks.

A couple of observations (hope you have salt nearby):
Competitive sports are stressful, which adds to the total stress level.
Also stressful is pushing yourself in a 5K run.  You get tired, stop and walk back.  Watch an ant hill for a while or a spider make a web.  Marvel a the stuggle of nature.  Actually sniff the flowers.  Plant some flowers, or vegetables, casually weed them.

Fishing?

Pushing yourself in any endeavor adds to the overall stress level.  It is all cumulative.  Learn to recogonize what activities create tension and which ones promotes relaxation.  Can you guess the effects on stress level?

Recognize the difference between physical stress and mental stress.  Keep your goals realistic and achievable.  Actually, try to underachieve (without guilt) for a period of time (maybe a year) or until pregnancy happens.

Long periods of stress, whether self imposed or externally applied, often lead to heart problems.  How's that for reducing worry?  Ha Ha. 

If you have the type A personality, it can be very difficult to reduce your overall stress level, just because of the requirements and goals you place upon yourself.
Re-evaluate, and reduce, even if only for the short duration of becoming pregnant.  It's ok and common to have a sabbatical.

FWIW

[flybox1]

I know exactly where you're at brother.
IUI's are some serious cash, and after a few of them, you start thinking an IVF was the way to go from the start.
After our 2nd son was born with DS, we agreed I should get a vasectomy.  3 years later, we want more kids.  Had my reversal last Dec, and finally after many IUI's (yes, the issue was with me), one finally stuck Thank God!  The nurses at the repro clinic are NO help dont you think!
Its ok for both of you to be frustrated, but understand you both are working to make this right.
Might want to give accupuncture a try.  good stress relief, relaxing, and maybe there IS really an ancient Chinese secret!

Keep it up man! -:D you'll get there!

Good luck.

[Gordon]

My wife and I tried for a year before she got pregnant with our first child.  For the first ten months or so she was religiously timing her ovulation, taking her temperature first thing every morning, keeping a chart, and we were actively trying to get pregnant.  She finally got tired of keeping such a strict watch on her cycle and we just went back to a normal sex life, and less than two months later she was pregnant.  The same thing happened with my older brother and his wife. 

My point is the stress and worry over trying to get pregnant can be a big factor in not being able to get pregnant.  A lot of couples who adopt because they've been unsuccessfully trying to have a child of their own end up getting pregnant soon after bringing home their adopted child, possibly because the stress is gone and they've relaxed. 

I think doing what you can to get back to a normal, comfortable life will go a long way in helping you both to get what you really want.  Just be a happy couple and enjoy each other, and try to focus more on what it is about each other that brought you together in the first place.