Topic: This should make you laugh...

[rostosky750]

I hope you find this funny and have a laugh, I cannot claim any cudos for finding it, me misses found it............




From: Blockbuster Video
Date: 4 November 2009
To: David Thorne

Dear Mr Thorne

I am writing to advise that movies borrowed on the 14th of October are now three weeks overdue and have accumulated fees of $82. Please return the following movies before they gain further fees.

002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth
003103119 Logans Run
008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
000721082 Waterworld

Kind regards

Megan Roberts
Store Manager



From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: DVDs

Hi David

Are you sure as our computer system indicates otherwise. Can you please check and get back to me?

Kind regards,
Megan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David

No, our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible.

Kind regards,
Megan



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database. Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300˚ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

David

The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost.

Megan



From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows:

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95
Waterworld $4.95
Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95
Logan's Run $12.95

This totals $35.80 so I would rather pay that than the $82 late fee. I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing.

A few years back, I was forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David

I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies, we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse. Our records show that the movies were not returned. If you cannot locate and return them let us know as soon as possible so that we can come to some arrangement.

Megan



From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3.28pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide screen plasma. You probably get a staff discount on new release movies and if you could also bring some snacks that would be good. My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty.

In regards to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could purchase six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, have Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David.
Restocking fees are:

002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.30
003103119 Logans Run $7.90
008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30
000721082 Waterworld $5.70

Total: $29.20 - I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees.

Kind regards,
Megan



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7.42pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan's Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store.

Megan



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1.15pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

That makes more sense, I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What do you mean by two copies? Are you saying you found the four movies?

Megan



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.57pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills and threatening letters from collection agencies. Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open due to my air conditioner being broken and the temperature outside exceeding that of the Earth's core. Luckily, my fridge emits a loud and startling 'beep' every thirty seconds when left open and the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the space of many hours before toppling from the edge and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even.

Regards, David.



From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 3.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Ok.

[Retro Rocket]

That is hilarious.....got a good laugh out of that....

Mick

[coldright]

David Thorne has a website devoted to his hilariously absurd brand of nonsense.  Check it all out here at
http://www.27bslash6.com/
Click on 27b/6

[rostosky750]

Thank you coldright , neither my ball busting #$%* wife or I knew about that...we came together a lot when we were dating across "Mr. thorpe  vs blockbuster on a completely different website.
I am now so happy that I could relax enough to dump I will after all except your wonderfull invitation for Christmas dinner and would like to pre-order venison for me and venison and chicken for my wife. Also would you upgrade my tickets to business class, as I feel that this service offers a better deal on intercontinental flights and we would arrive less tired for you to pick us up at the airport.
Will there be many vegetables with the dinner you have planned for us? I only ask this because on the whole I prefer sweet things like cake, I take it your wife can bake? mine can't , but she is good for something at other things like charades and basketwork.
Actually my wife can bake , or so I have been told, but she just prefers not to.
After our magnificent and prolonged dinner , and when the champagne has run out say, you could show us both round your hometown.
On second thoughts we could leave our spouses at yours, and take off for the strip joints and houses of ill repute that you frequent,maybe pick up a girl or two if your credit card will extend to that?
I think that I may now be looking forward to your hospitality with great relish.
regards.

[Sam Green Racing]

Well that passed a couple of hours

Sam.

[rostosky750]

were these your hours Sam or mine?
As you too are in the UK I feel the least you could do to repatriate me for my lost hours would be to offer me and my wife some sort of sustenance and general hospitality like coldright has.
Allthough we will not be free for Christmas dinner itself now, there are a couple of weekends before that when we are available.
Did I mention my wife likes chicken with her venison?
 

[74cb750]

WheeW! Long winded, but funny.

[coldright]

rostosky750... I'd be delighted to have you.  Your tickets to NYC will arrive in the mail along with your Greyhound transfer.  You will have to take the bus from NY to OR, this way you'll get to see our beautiful country as well as meet some wonderful people.  When you get here please don't be surprised, I'm a woman.  There was no surgery, I was born this way.  I hope that this doesn't upset you or your marriage.  When you arrive you'll be sleeping in the unfinished addition.  I hope to have flooring in the utility room by the time you get here, it'll make your stay nicer.  You are welcome to stay in the shop, but it doesn't have insulation yet, bring long underwear.  There will be venison for Christmas dinner, I am from Oregon after all... only I won't be cooking.  I'm a nurse and will be working on Christmas.  I am so looking forward to having you and your lovely wife visit.
Regards,
Carrie
PS, you are in luck.  Portland has more strip clubs per capita than any other place in the world.  

[ColinMc]

You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could purchase six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, have Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom.

My favorite part...that did it for me. Went from chuckling to myself to actually laughing at that point.

[Really?]

Me too!

[rostosky750]

Thank you so much for confirming that Dinner at Christmas will in fact consist of venison and chicken,furthermore I find it extremely hospitable of you to have hired us a highly qualified chef to do the cooking while you are at work.This must have come at some expense.  I know nurses are not very well paid and appreciate that a lot of them do take secondary jobs to supplement their income. I fully understand that these secondary jobs usually fall outside of their normal fields of expertise. Allthough totally not offended , may I request that you say "pole-dancer" if my wife asks rather than "prostitute?" mainly because I don't want to spend the whole Christmas being watched over lest I commit any alleged indiscretions. However if you do not charge too much for girl on girl action, then I admit this is one thing I have thought about for a very long time on and off and have tentatively suggested it to my spouse in a semi-joking like manner so as to be able to retract the suggestion if challenged, passing the whole suggestion off as a silly joke. I will of course be bringing my Australian friend Tim who although has anger issues has made his own video as a therapeutic attempt at self help,I have included a link here for your perusal , bear with it for the first few minutes because it isn't immediately obvious where it's going,P.S. Do NOT inform Terry of this link, I fear the realisation that he is not the funniest man in Australia may jeopardise his ability to restore properly. Terry will not be requiring a place setting for Christmas dinner.
 [youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kH1CvsOhI5I[/youtube]

[Terry in Australia]

Well they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery....... But if you guys are interested in reading some more of the writings of David Thorne, check his website, I've been laughing at his stuff (without the desire to copy him, Rotty.........) for a while now. Cheers, Terry.

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html