Topic: Evening boyfriend drama

[Caaveman82]

Untill you have a daughter of your own, you have now clue on how to handle the situation.

Sorry to single this out, but I hate it when stuff like this is said.  Having something does not make you an expert on it.  There are childless people that would make much better parents than others that already have kids.

Maybe not but you are never fully ready to have a child. Even if your financials, heart, and head are in the right place you are not ready because they are little human beings too and you never know what is going to happen after age 2. Even if you have one, you can never be prepared for the second or third or what have you, because they are seperate entities. So no, having one does not make you an expert, but it certainly helps. I know that if I didn't have a daughter I wouldn't have even posted here.

[Really?]

Untill you have a daughter of your own, you have now clue on how to handle the situation.

Sorry to single this out, but I hate it when stuff like this is said.  Having something does not make you an expert on it.  There are childless people that would make much better parents than others that already have kids.

Maybe not but you are never fully ready to have a child. Even if your financials, heart, and head are in the right place you are not ready because they are little human beings too and you never know what is going to happen after age 2. Even if you have one, you can never be prepared for the second or third or what have you, because they are seperate entities. So no, having one does not make you an expert, but it certainly helps. I know that if I didn't have a daughter I wouldn't have even posted here.

I don't think you can be an expert.  I have two that are 7 (they came first) and one that is 5 and I am worn out.  hard to know the decisions you make or things that you do are truly the right thing to when you do it at that time that you do do - and all that stuff. If that made sense, lol.

I just hope they turn out ok, learn how to do the things the right way and appreciate me at my last breath.

[bill440cars]

       The closest we ever came to a situation like that was:

             Our Daughter (who, if you remember, is Special Needs because of all of the seizure activity over the years) likes to have a boy friend (different ideas, when it comes to HER definition of a BF) and at one time, several years ago, had one who we weren't so sure about and next thing we knew, she was telling US that they were going to live together. We got really nervous about THAT and yet there would be nothing we could do, because she is her own guardian. There are times that we thought we should have gone through the system and retained guardianship, but we didn't DO that. Brenda and I THOUGHT that Karla wouldn't cause problems with the issue of guardianship. Wrong! If we had THAT to do over again, I think we would have retained it. Anyway, we both spent some sleepless nights over this deal and tried to make sure that they were never completely alone. The BF kept wanting Karla to come over to HIS apartment and we kept managing to steer them around that happening. This went on for about a couple of weeks and one day Karla was talking about moving in with the BF and then said something about babies! Well, THAT REALLY threw Brenda into a tailspin and me too, after she told ME! Suddenly Brenda had a plan. She sat Karla down one day and explained the "activities" that her BF would be expecting in the bedroom. Brenda said that when she did that, Karla's eyes "Flew Open" and she said NO WAY! And THAT was the End of THAT! They broke up and Karla Has NOT made ANY mention of anything like THAT since!   Thank GOD! Karla and her BF were BOTH "special needs" and so WE would have had to of raised a baby AND, who knows if there would be any problems with the baby too!  Anyway, Karla's 32yrs old now and has not even mentioned ANYTHING about that sort of thing since.

 

[shacolaid]

Seaweb,  I certainly do not envy your position. Glad that you could talk to the BFs dad and are on the same page. My daughter is 13 and I do not look forward to those kind of talks. Although, my wife already has had some of the "talks" with her. My wife and I are certainly much more open about sex and what would happen than my parents were. I also have 2 boys 9 and 7. People ask me, "will you treat them different?" I hope not. They should show the same respect to their future girlfriends that we expect out of their sisters' future boyfriends. I don't want to be on the opposite end of the talk with a girlfriend's father.

[my78k]

Not that Derek needs defending in ANY way on this one but something to keep in mind on this one....up here north of the border an 18 yr old with a 16 yr old is against the law! He could have handled this very differently! (consentual or not!)

I for one would rather talk it out rationally than have a father go off half cocked (pardon the lousy pun!) and have him charged!!

I reserve all of the "talks" for my wife! When my girls want to know how to change tires/oil or whatever I am more than happy to chat with them!!

Dennis

[BobbyR]

Not that Derek needs defending in ANY way on this one but something to keep in mind on this one....up here north of the border an 18 yr old with a 16 yr old is against the law! He could have handled this very differently! (consentual or not!)

I for one would rather talk it out rationally than have a father go off half cocked (pardon the lousy pun!) and have him charged!!

I reserve all of the "talks" for my wife! When my girls want to know how to change tires/oil or whatever I am more than happy to chat with them!!

Dennis

Well, south of the border in NY the female age of consent is 17. An 18 year old is an adult.

[my78k]

Up here the age of consent is 16 but it must be with someone else under 18.


edit: I just re-read my reply and realized how it sounded! Ofcourse it IS legal to have sex with your self...lol

Dennis

[starkmojo]

Well I have been watching this forum with some interest. I have a 15 year old son.... so hey this could be my future.

I also have a pretty clear memory of being a teenager. My own feeling is once people start having sex- well they are going to have sex. Kinda hard to go back to holding hands once you know where it leads. In my own case I am lucky because my son does not like babies at all. Every time we see a baby I tell him (and have since he was ten) "just remember that sex makes babies"

However he also knows where the condoms in my house are, and that I am not counting them every week. We talk about sex as part of a loving long term relationship etc.... but I know eventually its gonna happen. At that point the choice is his. I hope he makes a good one. He has all the information and I have done my part to teach him from my own mistakes.

I will also add a story that relates. when I was 16 my mom caught me with my GF in said "compromising position". She did what you did, and then said "when I moved out I could do as I pleased". I moved out the next week. For me it was more important to have the freedom to do as I wished (ie have sex) then get three hots and a cot at my mom's house. This all did not go down well with my mom and we barely spoke for several years afterward. . . so there is the possibilty of blowback so keep that in mind.

[seaweb11]

I thought this thread was dead.  Wishfull thinking......

I just found out why my daughter has been so rude the past 2 days.
Soooooooo the boys parents offered to take my Daughter to church with them on Sunday. Sure why not I said.  I'm not a religious person, but I don't have a problem with her attending a service with them.

Tonight I hear they cornered her "so to speak" with a social worker the boy and them for a 1 1/2 hour counseling session.  And, and, and, it's all my fault because I should have watched them more carefully and , and the car accident is definitely MY FAULT because I scared him? 

Where do the parents "who I shared my feelings and concerns with" get off having a counseling session with my daughter without my or my wife's knowledge. This is so weak that I really don't even know how to communicate to them now. Oh yeah they locked the boy down, I think there is talk of him heading off to flight school early now.

 oh yeah my kid hates me. I have explained that I din't lock her down, the boys father did. She gets it, but still hates me.

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets of my talk with the boys father, but I now realize he's whipped by the church lady wife

I want to go away so bad.........................

[Duke McDukiedook]

No good deed goes unpunished Sea, you should know that by now. 

You did the right thing.

[Retro Rocket]

I thought this thread was dead.  Wishfull thinking......

I just found out why my daughter has been so rude the past 2 days.
Soooooooo the boys parents offered to take my Daughter to church with them on Sunday. Sure why not I said.  I'm not a religious person, but I don't have a problem with her attending a service with them.

Tonight I hear they cornered her "so to speak" with a social worker the boy and them for a 1 1/2 hour counseling session.  And, and, and, it's all my fault because I should have watched them more carefully and , and the car accident is definitely MY FAULT because I scared him? 

Where do the parents "who I shared my feelings and concerns with" get off having a counseling session with my daughter without my or my wife's knowledge. This is so weak that I really don't even know how to communicate to them now. Oh yeah they locked the boy down, I think there is talk of him heading off to flight school early now.

 oh yeah my kid hates me. I have explained that I din't lock her down, the boys father did. She gets it, but still hates me.

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets of my talk with the boys father, but I now realize he's whipped by the church lady wife

I want to go away so bad.........................

Geeze Derek, in Australia that constitutes deprivation of liberty and is an offense, your daughter is a minor and i would be getting some legal advice on this just to make your stance well understood. I am glad you are level headed as this would have gotten me in strife as well....

Mick

[Old75_ratafe]

That's right your son's f in around with some guys daughter in his house and gets busted.... the obvious solution is to detain her against her will for consoling and ship the boy off to what I'm guessing is basically a military school.... That or you could set restrictions and rationally talk to them like adults.... Awesome parenting skills.  And FYI this is coming from a 28 year old which I would guess I am about half their age 

[starkmojo]

I think you know this.... but...

You arent supposed to be her friend.

And yeah the other parents actions are lamesauce but you live in a small town sounds like so how far you want to push that? I mean these could be your daughters future in-laws the way things are going 

[sangyo soichiro]

I thought this thread was dead.  Wishfull thinking......

I just found out why my daughter has been so rude the past 2 days.
Soooooooo the boys parents offered to take my Daughter to church with them on Sunday. Sure why not I said.  I'm not a religious person, but I don't have a problem with her attending a service with them.

Tonight I hear they cornered her "so to speak" with a social worker the boy and them for a 1 1/2 hour counseling session.  And, and, and, it's all my fault because I should have watched them more carefully and , and the car accident is definitely MY FAULT because I scared him? 

Where do the parents "who I shared my feelings and concerns with" get off having a counseling session with my daughter without my or my wife's knowledge. This is so weak that I really don't even know how to communicate to them now. Oh yeah they locked the boy down, I think there is talk of him heading off to flight school early now.

 oh yeah my kid hates me. I have explained that I din't lock her down, the boys father did. She gets it, but still hates me.

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets of my talk with the boys father, but I now realize he's whipped by the church lady wife

I want to go away so bad.........................

When I first read the initial post I was worried someone would try to pin some blame on you.  It was not your fault.

[Don R]

Hang in there Seaweb it'll work out.

[BIKE]

Where do the parents "who I shared my feelings and concerns with" get off having a counseling session with my daughter without my or my wife's knowledge. This is so weak that I really don't even know how to communicate to them now.

I'd have an issue with this too.  Wow.

I thought you did the right thing all along thus far.

I'll add the little #$%* needed to be scared.  If you scared him with the way you calmly handled that situation, I'm not sure what flight school will do to him.

[BobbyR]

Where do the parents "who I shared my feelings and concerns with" get off having a counseling session with my daughter without my or my wife's knowledge. This is so weak that I really don't even know how to communicate to them now.

I'd have an issue with this too.  Wow.

I thought you did the right thing all along thus far.

I'll add the little #$%* needed to be scared.  If you scared him with the way you calmly handled that situation, I'm not sure what flight school will do to him.

If the Canadian flight school is Military and like the US and you wash out, you will spend the rest of your hitch carrying a backpack.

[Gordon]

You didn't lay a finger on him and he's an adult, so I can't see how they could even begin to try to place any blame on you.

I guess it's just more of that same crap of not taking any personal responsibility that's been taking over our society. 

[medic09]

Some of us *choose* to carry a pack and a rifle, Bobby.  I still say the only way to go up in a plane is if you have your own way back down. 

Derek, here's a thought; just 'cause you put this out here.  Small town (I've seen it from the air) with all the small town flow of gossip and relationships.  These folks did wrong; but probably no real harm done as long as they don't *dare* do such a thing again.  And the social worker was a professional idiot if she knew that this wasn't coordinated with you.  (Didn't she wonder why you or your wife weren't participants?  She may have breached professional ethics, but that's another issue.)  The one who may not understand that this could just blow over is a certain adolescent girl.  Maybe you want to sit with her and make sure she knows that you don't agree with, nor approve post facto, of what those folks did.  For one thing, they weren't up front about it.  'Going to church' doesn't include a confrontation of any sort.  They lured your daughter into a social ambush, and they deceived you to do it.  Let your daughter know that you'd never let someone blindside her like that intentionally.  She'll still hate you for a while, but the message that her dad is going to look out for her will get through.

Being 'dad of daughters' is tough.  My Arab friends used to call me Abu B'nat, Father of Daughters.  There's a reason it deserves a title all its own.   

[mystic_1]

The one who may not understand that this could just blow over is a certain adolescent girl.  Maybe you want to sit with her and make sure she knows that you don't agree with, nor approve post facto, of what those folks did.  For one thing, they weren't up front about it.  'Going to church' doesn't include a confrontation of any sort.  They lured your daughter into a social ambush, and they deceived you to do it.  Let your daughter know that you'd never let someone blindside her like that intentionally.  She'll still hate you for a while, but the message that her dad is going to look out for her will get through.

I agree with this.

mystic_1

[Gordon]

My daughter is 3 months old.  Is there anything I can do to make sure that never changes?

My son is 2 years old.  He's already a lost cause.

[mark]

My daughter is 3 months old.  Is there anything I can do to make sure that never changes?

get a really big pickle jar and a few gallons of formaldehyde.

[BobbyR]

Some of us *choose* to carry a pack and a rifle, Bobby.  I still say the only way to go up in a plane is if you have your own way back down. 

Derek, here's a thought; just 'cause you put this out here.  Small town (I've seen it from the air) with all the small town flow of gossip and relationships.  These folks did wrong; but probably no real harm done as long as they don't *dare* do such a thing again.  And the social worker was a professional idiot if she knew that this wasn't coordinated with you.  (Didn't she wonder why you or your wife weren't participants?  She may have breached professional ethics, but that's another issue.)  The one who may not understand that this could just blow over is a certain adolescent girl.  Maybe you want to sit with her and make sure she knows that you don't agree with, nor approve post facto, of what those folks did.  For one thing, they weren't up front about it.  'Going to church' doesn't include a confrontation of any sort.  They lured your daughter into a social ambush, and they deceived you to do it.  Let your daughter know that you'd never let someone blindside her like that intentionally.  She'll still hate you for a while, but the message that her dad is going to look out for her will get through.

Being 'dad of daughters' is tough.  My Arab friends used to call me Abu B'nat, Father of Daughters.  There's a reason it deserves a title all its own.   

Oh I had two ways of getting down, one however was sub optimal.  

I would agree that basically taking a young person and subjecting them into a position in which Adults into that type of situation is totally unacceptable. It is important that your Daughter understand that you did not engineer this situation, and you consider it an invasion of her privacy and rights, and that you stand by her in any decision she makes concerning this matter. I guess the message to her is that you prize her well being and happiness above all others. Which I suspect is true. God save us from the pompously pious.

[manjisann]

Seaweb, I have no kids, heck in some ways I still feel like a kid even at 28, so I won't give any advice. I just wanted to pop in and say good on you for giving a damn about what your daughter is doing and her future well being and doing what you think is best. I'm pulling for you and hope this all levels out for you soon, but until then, even if your girl hates you I still give you two thumbs up for caring and doing what you think is best.

Brandon

[Jerry Rxman Griffin aka MuthaF'er]

Derek,

Sounds to me like they are more concerned with their son than your daughter. As parents I'd hope to think that would be anyone's case. Sounds like they perhaps don't want grand kids right now. Sound thinking BUT they should have asked your permission AND invited you along. No excuse for what they did even if they feel it's all your fault. You should ask to speak with the counselor since the counselor spoke to your daughter without LEGAL parental consent. You can always threaten to have the kid jailed for taking liberties with a minor if you ever see or hear from him for the next 2 years. Harsh but might be considered.