Topic: Just When I Think I'm Getting On, The Bottom Falls Out "Updated"

[bill440cars]

       Got to bed about 4 this morning, had some problems, don't know if I'll be on for a little bit. Got to get on with things

[Caaveman82]

Bill, get on with what? You alright dude?

[bill440cars]

Bill, get on with what? You alright dude?

       Sorry I was vague with my post. I don't know if it's because it's going to be a year since Brenda's passing OR if it's because Karla has started having some problem with it or if it's because of what Berta is going through with her cancer (and her suddenly seeming to be worried about that) OR if it's a combination of all of that because I had
 problems yesterday evening and didn't get to bed til about 4AM this morning and toady, after I woke up, I've had a time getting myself
straight. Didn't make it over this morning to take care of my Dad and get him out to eat either. I had been trying to give myself time and then try to get on through this and felt like I was getting better several
times, but then, next thing I know, something pops up and rattles me.
If I can't get things under better control soon, I'm gonna have to do something. Karla's seeing a counselor up at Bost, but it's a Group thing and I'm not going to something like that! IF I DO end up seeing someone, it'll have to be a one on one type of deal, otherwise I know I'll never open up. I mostly feel that it's because I have been in a relationship where I always had Brenda there to talk with, when I had something bothering me and she always knew just what to say and how to give me the release from whatever was troubling me. Maybe it's because I am trying to do the right thing and "Leave Berta's Cancer problem  with God, but in the back of my mind, with Brenda's passing, I'm afraid that Berta will too.   I just don't have the answer, only speculation. All I know is my head is spinning and I'm really tired of being that way.

        Sorry about the rambling, Maybe it would help, if I had a brother who would stand up and do what's right and not have tried to shove me out and take over to try to put our Dad into a nursing home and shove ME out in the cold, trying to take everything for himself! But, he DID and now, with Brenda gone, I'm left to try to take care of everything by myself.

                  Got to get myself some space to unwind and let go. 
     

[Caaveman82]

I cannot relate at all to what you are going through Bill. It seems like you've been forced to take some big bites out of some big #$%* sandwiches, but you have two qualities that amaze the crap out of me.

1.) You always seem to stay optimistic, which is hard with all the stuff you have been through.

2.) You have not turned into some sour grumpy old douche bag.

Both of these I would have lost long ago if I were in your shoes.

I know you've heard it before and it probably always seems like bull #$%* when someone says it, but hang in there buddy, things have a weird way of working themselves out in the end, as long as you stay on track and keep doing what you think is right.

I'm not a prayer, but I'll be sending you some positive vibes out through the cosmos my friend.

[bill440cars]

       Thank you for that Caave, I HAVE to try to stay optimistic, as that's my main means of survival. However, I DO have my moments, like last night and really early this morning. I have done alot of Praying about this AND for Berta's full recovery. Some might think that the LAST thing I would need , would be another woman in my life, but without Brenda, I am like a boat that has lost it's rudder. I NEED that stability and I was so surprised that Berta was interested in ME! I didn't even think I was in HER league! Just BEING with HER, made me feel so good and then she backed off some because of the cancer situation. Anyway,  I just HAVE To believe that it WILL work out.

     I just have these moments that shake me for a bit and I have to work past them. Anything worth having IS worth WORKING FOR, Right?

     Thank you again for YOUR support, it ALL helps, Bill  

[Caaveman82]

The only things worth having are worth working for Bill. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed. I have PTSD, not like psychotic, they're all after me, delusional, paranoid PTSD, but from time to time I have some bad dreams and it can affect me for a few days or a few weeks. I just got over one that lasted about three and a half weeks. It is hard, sometimes things seem hopeless. I know I am just a pup compaired to you and we hardly know eachother but I hope you take me seriously when I say I give a damn Bill and I hope for the best for you.

[bill440cars]

The only things worth having are worth working for Bill. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed. I have PTSD, not like psychotic, they're all after me, delusional, paranoid PTSD, but from time to time I have some bad dreams and it can affect me for a few days or a few weeks. I just got over one that lasted about three and a half weeks. It is hard, sometimes things seem hopeless. I know I am just a pup compaired to you and we hardly know eachother but I hope you take me seriously when I say I give a damn Bill and I hope for the best for you.

        Caave, I Do take YOU seriously along with anyone here who has given me support in my TIMES of need. I'm not really familiar with PTSD but, Seems like really something to have to deal with and I feel for YOU, in that respect. Yeah, there are times that things DO seem hopeless and then there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just try to focus on that. I just talked to Berta a bout an hour ago and she was lying down because she just didn't feel good because of the treatment she'd had a couple of days ago. Still no GOOD news on the tumor shrinkage. I didn't keep her long and apologized for disturbing her rest. I had gotten her a new CD set that was documenting the 50th Anniversary of Lorette Lynn and she had been listening to that as she could and enjoying it (She is a BIG fan of Loretta Lynn). Sure was hoping that she was at least a little better.

[Caaveman82]

The best thing you can do for her is stay positive man. My friend's dad is battling leukemia right now and all he can really do is stay in contact and always be positive. Just hang in there Bill. You've been through worse, you are a strong dude and will make it.

[my78k]

Caave, I love your "compliment" to Billy....telling someone they are not a grumpy old douche bag! I love the "quirkyness" of this forum!

Bill, hang tight brother. Your luck has to turn eventually! My buddy has had a similar run of luck, I keep telling him the same. If the power of positive thinking has any REAL benefit then your luck HAS to turn because we are ALL hoping for it for you Bill!

Dennis

[bill440cars]

The best thing you can do for her is stay positive man. My friend's dad is battling leukemia right now and all he can really do is stay in contact and always be positive. Just hang in there Bill. You've been through worse, you are a strong dude and will make it.

   Yeah, you are right. At least She knows that, IF she needs ME, all she has to do is ask. I've made THAT quite clear. But, she wants to wait til she gets past this one before we move on. I CAN promise one thing, IF this EVER comes up again, She'd play Hell getting me to back off, IF she was to think that she wanted me to (at that point, I don't think she'd want me to back off then though. When I make a commitment, I'M THERE through thick AND thin! I've already dealt with the term "Til Death Do Us Part!" and I hope I don't have to go through THAT again, BUT ANY time I can spend with HER, will Absolutely Be MORE that Worth IT! This Lady has had some rough times in a previous marriage AND a few guys (after her divorce) that cheated and lied! I deserves much better than that AND that's what I want to give HER, A MUCH BETTER RELATIONSHIP.

        If I don't get off of here, I'm going to be really rambling on about
her. So, let me close with the fact that another great thing about Berta is, that Karla (my Daughter) is happy that Berta and I have started to connect and will continue after the cancer is dealt with. Karla likes Berta and want ME to be happy and that is so COOL!  

                                  Later on, Bill

[bill440cars]

Caave, I love your "compliment" to Billy....telling someone they are not a grumpy old douche bag! I love the "quirkyness" of this forum!

Bill, hang tight brother. Your luck has to turn eventually! My buddy has had a similar run of luck, I keep telling him the same. If the power of positive thinking has any REAL benefit then your luck HAS to turn because we are ALL hoping for it for you Bill!

Dennis

      That IS a Good Thing, right Dennis?   Now, there are Four folks (who are ignoring me) who might not share that thought though.

      IF positive thinking works, between all of the support I've gotten AND am getting, that sure should be worth something. Besides, I've been Praying for Her, at least twice a day (when I go to bed and when I get up in the morning, along with the occasional Prayer during the day). BTW, my bookmarks are loaded with songs on youtube that relate to Berta and me in one way or another. Better get out of here, I am in the middle of replacing the commode in Karla's bathroom, so I can get her out of the main one. Have to take a breather now and then, since I ain't as young as I used to be and it's a very small bathroom.

                            Thanks for YOUR support as well Dennis, Bill    

[Uncle Ernie]

Why do you pray so much if you don't have faith in God?  He heard you the first time.   Step back some and let Him work.

If you were to take a day off to eat cookies and watch old movies all day, or go for a ride all day,  or get drunk at the bowling alley and have the sandwich lady call you a cab, or go to a different town and have a pedicure and wear a dress, start painting the garage, read a novel, learn to play the accordian on one day- whatEVER- I guarantee everything will be waiting for you and no one will be the worse for it. 
You might even give God a well deserved break, too.  Ask Him.

[Inigo Montoya]

Dang bill, some rough waters there. Ernie has a good idea though. You need to set aside 1 day for yourself. Get the cooler and go fishing for the day. Hell if you don't even bait your hook, just relax with the phone off for a few hours. Grab a quick snooze in the afternoon sun. your problems will still be there but it is amazing how a clear head can sometimes makes things a little better.

[mick7504]

AND



OR



Go for it Bill 

Mick

[Caaveman82]

I agree with what is being said. You do need to take some time for yourself Bill, otherwise you'll get burnt out like you are now. Go have some fun for a day. Like Uncle E said, it will all still be there when you get back. Even with the lady you gotta be careful because people in that kind of mood will eventually push those who crowd them away and then if they get out of their rut they are too embarassed to ask them to come back in their life.


Dennis, I am half Bill's age and I am a grumpy douche bag. He is a really bright and chipper dude most of the time which amazes me. I have seen guys his age go through less and get pissed off at life.

[Duke McDukiedook]

Float trip Bill, you need a good minimum two day float on the Buffalo to clear your mind a little and do a little fishing.

This is a good time to do it as long as you can avoid the rain.

[mick7504]

Bill
A good thought to keep in mind as a reminder when things become a never ending burden is:
Let Go, Let God.
It will set you free.
Every day and every night.
Mick

[bill440cars]

       I hear what you ALL are saying. Only thing is, every morning, I have to got and check my Dad's blood sugar and give him his insulin shot and IF I don't get him out to eat a few times a week, he really gets on about going home and getting out of that place. So, I have to look after him.

       Then there is Karla, I have her every Tues and Thurs, except from 8am-2pm, Then I have her Monday, Wednesday and Friday, except for 8am - about 6pm. Then I have her Saturday and Sunday. Occasionally, she does an overnight with her worker. I pick Joey up at 7am every week day morning and take him to work and get him back at 2pm and keep him til 7pm except I only take him to work on Thursday and his other worker gets him Thursday afternoon and then I have him on Saturday til 6pm (except from 1-5 while he works at WalMart. Now HIS schedule, I can alternate. My life is pretty busy and wasn't quite so hectic, when I still had Brenda, but WE had to work on getting time just for US though!

       If I still DID drink, I'd probably have drank myself to death way before now. I gave that up long ago and probably a good thing I did.

       Main thing I do for myself at the present, is to get the GTX out, take it to the car wash, clean it up (lots of pollen falling now) and get it out for a trip to Fort Smith. It ALWAYS gets attention and THAT makes me feel good because it seems to make folks feel good to see the old car OUT THERE, you know? As for all of the Praying, well, I just feel the need AND when I feel that need, I DO it! I realize that God doesn't have the memory problem that I DO.

      Right now, I'm battling the commode drain in Karla's bathroom and will probably end up calling the plumber. And THAT makes me see DOLLAR $ign$ !

      Last Monday, Karla got sick and it was coming out both ends. Had to go pick her up from work (fortunately, the ladies at Bost (where she works) helped her to clean up. Then she wasn't too bad the rest of the week, but yesterday, we went out to eat and all she wanted was one of the big baked potatoes, ordered that and hadn't even started to eat it, when she thought she was going to throw up and headed for the rest room. She didn't do anything, but she brought her meal home because she didn't want to risk it. She wasn't feeling REAL good last night, but felt good enough to get up and go to work today. It gets really hectic at times and I REALLY miss not having someone to share the load and someone to spend some time with, alone, as time was available.

       Listen, I really DO appreciate the input here. As usual, you folks
make the effort to try and help sort things out and THAT really makes ME feel Good because I know that the effort is sincere.


       I WILL see what I can do too!    

[bill440cars]

Bill
A good thought to keep in mind as a reminder when things become a never ending burden is:
Let Go, Let God.
It will set you free.
Every day and every night.
Mick

      I hear you Mick, I REALLY Do! I DO forget that at times.

[HavocTurbo]

Seeing as how I just about grew up in meetings with my parents...

One day at a time Bill.

And your serious serenity to accept the things you can't change and courage to go out and change your life what with cars and bikes and other people.... and ridiculous wisdom in our PM's about knowing when to act and when not to....

You sir.... out of all of us.... can make it!!

[bill440cars]

Seeing as how I just about grew up in meetings with my parents...

One day at a time Bill.

And your serious serenity to accept the things you can't change and courage to go out and change your life what with cars and bikes and other people.... and ridiculous wisdom in our PM's about knowing when to act and when not to....

You sir.... out of all of us.... can make it!!

          Man, I'm just doing my best to take it as it comes. Trying all the while, to do the things I NEED to do (which isn't always easy, I might add) I can often  put up a pretty good front (but, sometimes there are serious cracks in that Front). I saw one of Berta's close friends today and she said that Berta is pretty weak now and fighting to get through this thing. She's trying hard to beat the cancer, so WE can get on with it. It gives ME a lump in my throat, to think of the tremendous effort she is putting out to be able to take a shot at a Life with ME! Then. on the other hand, I just got a call from Karla's worker and Karla is having anxiety problems and is (as we put it) going into meltdown with emotions. I'm not sure WHAT'S going on with her. She might still be continuing to have problems concerning the fact that we are getting nearer to the 1yr anniversary of Brenda's passing. She continues to tell ME that she's happy that Berta and I are working toward a chance of a life together. I don't know, I need to go though, need to change the oil in the GTX and will be going to get Karla before long too.

        I DO appreciate the Support AND the Confidence in Me, I hope I can live up to it, Bill  

[manjisann]

Bill, I don't have anything touching or wise to say like everyone else, just want to wish you well and add to the pool of people who care about you 

Brandon

P.S. It was you collecting the spoons from all the states right? If so, I haven't forgotten about it, I just wanted to ride the motorcycle to go and buy it, just seems appropriate somehow 

[bill440cars]

Bill, I don't have anything touching or wise to say like everyone else, just want to wish you well and add to the pool of people who care about you 

Brandon

P.S. It was you collecting the spoons from all the states right? If so, I haven't forgotten about it, I just wanted to ride the motorcycle to go and buy it, just seems appropriate somehow 

       Brandon, ANYTHING said in sincerity, carries a lot of weight and Brother, YOU'VE said it! Each and every bit of support from here means a lot to ME! AND I'm grateful.

      Yeah, I'M the one collecting spoons to fill Brenda's spoon rack. I've still got a few empty spaces. I was just so overwhelmed at the response from you all, to get spoons for Brenda's collection that I hated to say anything about the few spaces left. This place HAS TO BE THE #1 Forum, Head and Shoulders above any others! AND I'm Proud to be allowed to be a part of THAT!    

[manjisann]

Agreed, this forum is definately something else.

If the Utah space is still empty it would be my pleasure to buy the spoon and send it to you. Like I said, since this is a bike forum it just seems appropriate that I buy it after riding my motorcycle to the store   

Anyhow, as I said, we're all pulling for ya!

Brandon

[bill440cars]

Agreed, this forum is definately something else.

If the Utah space is still empty it would be my pleasure to buy the spoon and send it to you. Like I said, since this is a bike forum it just seems appropriate that I buy it after riding my motorcycle to the store   

Anyhow, as I said, we're all pulling for ya!

Brandon

 Thanks for that Brandon. I won't argue with your logic either. I can feel the strength that comes from this place and am grateful for it.