Well, the good news is that after re-pulling the alternator cover yet again, the motor isn't stuck, just the kicker. I put a wrench on the rotor and the motor turned just fine. Yay for not pulling that fat bastard out again!
Pulled the old plugs while I was at it - they look pretty good, actually! I've never heard this thing run (bought it in a basket). I think it was running a little rich for the PO, maybe, but no oil fouling at all.