Topic: My kids getting a bit bullied at school

[Retro Rocket]

Actually i think self defence classes would be great, it will give the boy skills and self confidence which in itself is a deterrent. You stride around displaying confidence and i think you will find you end up in less trouble. Bullies look for an easy target.....Either that or UFC his arse.....

Mick

[tango911]

I think some of us are trying to play out some fantasies here. You definitely have the ability to stop this in its tracks without trying to train your kid to be a karate master. The only thing you need to teach him in this case is not to be ashamed to go to a teacher if he is provoked. In Texas, if a child fights back in school he is held just as responsible. You may be proud of your son for standing up physically, but once he is labeled as a trouble maker he wont lose that label easily. Not to mention having that he was suspended on his record. If it escalates too high and he hurts the other kid, criminal charges can be assessed on him.

He already stated what he's going to do and i think its a great idea.  Notify the school, avoid and if need be protect himself.  Pretty simple.  Then when he gets home,  help wrench on a honda!!

[singedebile]

I was bullied/picked on pretty hard in highschool/middleschool..  (i am sure my memories are a little self censured.. lest to say it wasnt good) , I think one of the reasons it got as bad as it did was that it just didnt make sense to me why these people were doing this.. and so i sort of chose to not participate. I didnt defend myself either with words or physically.. I didnt go to teachers either (though they knew). This of course made me an easy target even for kids that were getting picked on by other people.

I think in the end it was a fairly right way to do it, it just really sucked for a while..  its funny now I have no problems getting a measure of respect from people from every walk of life, I am 26 now and pretty much starting in college all the that crap from before didnt exist anymore. I guess it came down to.. sure there were a small handful of people that just really went at it, but it was the fact that half the class would still kinda go along with it laughing and occasionally contributing that made it really tough. Now those people have grown up and that small handful of really angry people either didnt make it to college or are now completely outnumbered by people with a more positive outlook on life.

I hope this helps,
Just make sure your kid knows no matter how far it seems (and it really did seem infinite), it will get good.  

[DavePhipps]

I was very fortunate as a teen-ager. I went to a Catholic school. Bullying was just not tolerated, not by the priests themselves, but by the older lads, strangely enough.

The school I had issues with the two bullies was in a catholic high school.  The priests could care less.  But I did have to go for counseling with one of the priests like it was my fault.  I swear, I think he really wanted to fondle me, seriously, not joking!

That one school year was the worst.  I had straight F's throughout the year, why care?  Naturally i was kicked off the school baseball team and guess what, I still hate regular sports with the highest passion.

I dropped out of HS and got my GED, five HS's later.  I didn't care and guess what, the shool work was easy, I knew it and I could do it with ease.  I was not dumb.  Did I go to college?  No!  Did it screw up my continuing education? Yes!  Did it affect how my life turned out? Yes!  Did it affect my income for years to come? Yes!  Do I now have a fantastic wife and 3 great kids?  Yes!  Would give them up? NO!

The next few years were rough because I had done a complete 180.  I was a prick, an azzhole, I dressed & acted like Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club, I stole, attacked people, got drunk, did drugs, always involved with the cops, felt invincible, did time (8 felony counts) and on and on and on.  So those two bullies had a major impact on my life for years after.  The time straightened me out a lot and have been basically back to normal since then but I still hold a grudge, 32 years later.

This bullying crap can change the person being bullied.  It did me and changed the entire course of my life.

Help your kid out to make the right decisions, I know that is what you want in your heart.  It is great that you are there with them, they need the assist.  Mine did not assist me through it, I dealt with it on my own and you see where that got me.

I think our lives ran parralell, except for the felonies part

[sangyo soichiro]

I was bullied/picked on pretty hard in highschool/middleschool..  (i am sure my memories are a little self censured.. lest to say it wasnt good) , I think one of the reasons it got as bad as it did was that it just didnt make sense to me why these people were doing this.. and so i sort of chose to not participate. I didnt defend myself either with words or physically.. I didnt go to teachers either (though they knew). This of course made me an easy target even for kids that were getting picked on by other people.

I think in the end it was a fairly right way to do it, it just really sucked for a while..  its funny now I have no problems getting a measure of respect from people from every walk of life, I am 26 now and pretty much starting in college all the that crap from before didnt exist anymore. I guess it came down to.. sure there were a small handful of people that just really went at it, but it was the fact that half the class would still kinda go along with it laughing and occasionally contributing that made it really tough. Now those people have grown up and that small handful of really angry people either didnt make it to college or are now completely outnumbered by people with a more positive outlook on life.

I hope this helps,
Just make sure your kid knows no matter how far it seems (and it really did seem infinite), it will get good.  

I was picked on like any other average kid, but I recall a few kids that had it really bad.  These kids got it from all sides, and with no mercy.  Even the other kids that got picked on would pick on these few kids to try to take the heat off themselves.  I think about these few a lot, and wonder how their lives turned out.   

And I know what you mean about a few bad kids doing the picking, but the rest of the class going along with it and laughing.  I'm afraid I may have been part of the rest of the class occasionally. 

And all for what?  Because these kids bought their clothes from Goodwill (I almost shop there exclusively now...)?  Kids can be mean for the stupidest reasons....   

[Duke McDukiedook]

Soich,

If his kid throws the first punch he can't claim self defence, he will definitely get suspended for that.

I have been in more than a few physical altercations in my life and not once did I throw the first punch, I didn't go searching for a fight either (except once when I was pretty emebriated, that's another story I blame partially on Jim Beam ) and the only time I could say I lost was when the baseball team decided to jump me- not quite the fair fight.

My motto is "I don't start fights, I end them."

[sangyo soichiro]

Soich,

If his kid throws the first punch he can't claim self defence, he will definitely get suspended for that.

I have been in more than a few physical altercations in my life and not once did I throw the first punch, I didn't go searching for a fight either (except once when I was pretty emebriated, that's another story I blame partially on Jim Beam ) and the only time I could say I lost was when the baseball team decided to jump me- not quite the fair fight.

My motto is "I don't start fights, I end them."

What on earth did you do to get a whole baseball team to want to beat you up?   

I agree with your motto, I just think the fight starts when the bully pushes his son into the locker - not with who throws the first punch.  If the principal can't understand that, then maybe someone should push him into a locker, day after day, and see how he likes it.  Plus, being suspended is not the end of the world.

[Frankencake]

It all works out in the end when we grow up, right?

[Hush]

When my boy was about 11 he was harrassed by the big fat bully guy most schools have, this bully had a following who backed his moves and went along for the laughs at poor little geeks getting walloped.
By 11 Dan had been studying Shotokan for only 3 years, he always was a skinny little white kid, anyhow one after school day Dan's heading home alone and bully boy throws him up against a fence, Dan is surrounded by the followers all egging bully on.
Dan dropped his school bag and waited, (see old school Karate teaches patience)  anyhow the first swing Dan blocked easily, the next he just avoided and the third he blocked away.
By now the followers are becoming a bit dissolusioned with their champion and bully-boy can't figure out how he's missed with 3 haymakers!
Dan said "if that's all you have I'm going" and strolled off through the followers who just parted to let him go.
Next day bully-boy has no mates, Dan is a legend for "not" throwing a punch and still winning.
My son was never touched again all through junior high or senior high school as his reputation went before him.
He was taught never throw the first punch and always evaluate the risks, that is old school Shotokan training.
All the most violent forms of Martial Arts will be of no use if you if you are not a basically violent person to begin with and it sounds like your boy falls into that category, enroll him in a good Dojo and ignore this present nastiness, it will pass.

[Raef]

done Taekwondo 2 years as a young adult, after wrestling and school was over.

I was in car car wreak that left me laid up for 6 months and I just never made it back to class, I really enjoyed it, mostly for the fitness aspects

it definitely  helps you find your inner

Mark

[dave500]

i was a filthy dirty fighter at school,some big slob would punch me and i would poo my pants.

[rhos1355]

I liked the comment further up the thread about a few of us living out our fantasies when we suggest the victim of bullying takes up some form of martial arts or other and then go back and give the bully his/her comeuppance.
It only happens in the movies. In real life most victims of school bullying just suck it and move on.
I do hope that all of us that have added to this most interesting thread will never tolerate bullying or seeing someone else being bullied.
My missus worries me, she can't stand any form of bullying, bad manners or rudeness, and will go in all guns blazing. I'm thinking one day I'm gonna have to scrape what's left of her off the floor when she tackles something too big or too senseless.
But then, she is an east Londoner.

[dave500]

about ten years ago at a shopping centre i stepped in and stopped a younger guy from hurting his girl friend,he was yelling at her and had her by the scruff of the neck and shoved up against a shop front glass making it flex and vibrate,i only grabbed his arm and verballed him and he and his two mates left abusing me,(i was really hungover aswell)but no one else did anything and the place was crowded,i told a mate at work a few years later and he had done the same thing to a fairly big guy abusing his wife,the guy grabbed my mate around the throat and was threatening him as his wife joined in and abused him aswell!!!be carefull out there.

[rhos1355]

about ten years ago at a shopping centre i stepped in and stopped a younger guy from hurting his girl friend,he was yelling at her and had her by the scruff of the neck and shoved up against a shop front glass making it flex and vibrate,i only grabbed his arm and verballed him and he and his two mates left abusing me,(i was really hungover aswell)but no one else did anything and the place was crowded,i told a mate at work a few years later and he had done the same thing to a fairly big guy abusing his wife,the guy grabbed my mate around the throat and was threatening him as his wife joined in and abused him aswell!!!be carefull out there.

Yup, keep well away from husband/wife set-to's or you'll get it from both sides.
Furthermore (not meaning to hijack this thread or anything) NEVER tell a mate his wife's sh@gging some-one else. The danger lies in that she'll convince him it's not true and then you'll have two enemies.

[thelowmax]

While I firmly believe that every now and then, somebody deserves a beat-down, it is rarely the best first option. There seems to be a lot of assumption  here. But there are things that you should do to make sure if there is any trouble that you have covered your bases and have made an attempt to resolve the issue peacefully.

1) Most important. Make sure the school is aware of it. Bullying is a BIG no-no these days and schools are getting in trouble for it. Lawsuits and loss of Federal Aid are serious motivators.

2) Talk to the kid's parents. If they are decent folks, they'll be humiliated that their child is doing this and it will stop. If they are not decent and think, "boys will be boys", then tell them that your lawyer is a boy and hope they have one too, because you are going to involve the law and the courts. Maybe even sue them for negligence and child endangerment. Involving the law and the courts costs something that few parents can spare, time and money. Nothing restores sanity like having to pay money for something that could be solved by basic human decency. Don't bring your kid along. Maybe they will be friends but why would you want your kid to be friends with a bully?

3) Most importantly, talk to your kid. Tell him his options. Maybe hang with friends that don't hang with the other kid. Maybe learn to fight or even debate. Have him tell the other kid that he's a bully and he's going to report him as so. Sometimes when you're outsized, the only option is to run. There's no one solution. But also tell him that, later in life, he's going to meet a lot of jerks just like that kid, but grown up, whose hostility will manifest in every possible scenario from a jerk boss, to angry cops, that clerk at the DMV who won't process your claim, that pimple-face kid that spits in your hamburger, etc.. How he learns to deal with this kid now will help him grow and deal with life in the future.

On a side note, I was a victim of a bully in 6th grade. One time, after he pushed me a few times in the crowded hallway, I said, just loud enough that other's could hear me, "It's OK if you are gay, but I'm not, so NO you can't blow me!" Some kids nervously laughed while some pretended not to hear me. After that, he never even spoke to me (for four years!), never mind push me. (I wonder if that outing would be considered bullying today?)

[Really?]

about ten years ago at a shopping centre i stepped in and stopped a younger guy from hurting his girl friend,he was yelling at her and had her by the scruff of the neck and shoved up against a shop front glass making it flex and vibrate,

Boy, this brought back a a memory!

A buddy of mine, his girlfriend and I were leaving abowlong alley in Costa Mesa I think and this guy was abusing his girlfriend.  So my buddy and I went up to him and made him leave.  No fight but it was we were ready to beat him down.  he had not hit her but I am guessing we stepped in before he did.  It sure looked like it was going that way.

We were on our bikes, my bud rode to my house with his girlfriend and this southern talking chiq came with me.  I figured she was going to on her own way but she hopped on the back of my bike and we drove to a nearby park.  We BSed for a bit and she started to pass out on the bench.  Called my bud wondering what I shuld do with htis chiq.  He said to just bring her back there.  I did.

At the house she was still passing out, I think she had been drinking before I ran into her.  She passed out in my bed ---deleted section--- and she stayed the night. 

----Massive Massive Massive censored part----  I had typed it but deleted it.  Not appropriate for this thread. 

It took four days to get rid of her.  She did not eat at all, just drank beer.  After 4 days she asked me to take her home.  I was soooooo glad to see her gone!

So, that was some of that memory that I reminded of.  So, I guess a moral to the story is, be carefull who you try to save. 

----the PS was deleted too  -------

[Duke McDukiedook]

I'm not living out any fantasies here, I am just trying to give some decent advice to you and your kid.

Personally I think all kids should learn some form of a martial art- including and especially girls.

This is not about some revenge fantasy in movies, this is about your well being and being confident enough to take care of yourself if you are put in a fight or flight situation and flight is not an option.

The learning of a martial art brings kinesthetic awareness to the body, self discipline and confidence where you usually wouldn't have any without it.

If I didn't wrestle in high school I could guarantee you I wouldn't have turned out the same person, it gave me a confidence in myself that I never had before.

I know that if it does come to a fight situation, pretty much no matter the circumstance I can take care of myself and defend my loved ones.

Can you?

[Dead Bound]

Does he play any sports?  Athletic sports?  Sign him up for baseball, football, any team activity, etc.  This way he will have a better group of friends to hang out with at school.  A good group of friends will help out socially and give him some confidence.  He will have more guys who will have his back when the time comes and less people will F*** with you if your big ass friend is always standing right behind you.  

Dont know who he hangs out with now, but apparently they arent worth a crap.    

Less World of Warcraft and more outside time.  

[BobbyR]

I was on my local Board of Education for six years and this subject came up many times. The suggestion about having your Son participate in sports is very good. Word got out that some "Stoners" were gonna catch my Son in the parking lot and kick his ass. When he got to the parking lot, the lacrosse team was also waiting there. Case closed.

In my time you took out a bully or put up a good fight and that was that.  Lawyers and doting parents messed the natural order up.

It is essential you get on record with the Administration that your Son is being bullied. Do this as many times as you can to establish a paper trail. This puts the District on notice your Son is in some danger and the have an obligation to assure his safety. Let's say push comes to shove and your kid has enough and clocks this prick good. You now have a chain of recorded events which shows this was a case of "self defense" prompted by continued threats of bodily harm. It is a very credible defense and allows you to recover damages from the District.

[Duke McDukiedook]

+1 on a paper trail, submit letters in writing by certified mail to all interested parties, keep copies.
Hard for them to deny you did your due diligence if you do that.

Have a face to face with the principal, counselor and your kid, emphasize you won't tolerate this type of behavior and neither will your lawyer.
That should have the principal crapping his pants. If that doesn't get any response take it to the board and keep telling them you can't wait to get your lawyer invloved if you don't see positive results.

[BeSeeingYou]

After reading through this it seems I grew up in an alternate universe.  We had about 450 kids in my high school (3 grades) and I can only recall being involved in one fight with just a few punches thrown and have no recollection of anyone being a bully.  Sure you had teasing and other high school hi-jinks but nothing that would have been overt physical or mental abuse.  In school you just could not get away with it.  There was always two or three tough guy teachers and any bully would have to answer to them eventually. Outside of school there was always some older teens who were a bit intimidating to the younger ones but it was never in anger or overtly physical.  I got grabbed by some older kids once and thrown in a pond.  It was like a game and since I didn't rat them out I was cool with them and left alone after that.  Of course after suitable time had passed so I wouldn't be connected I egged their car.  Years later when I see one of these guys we laugh about it.  Maybe it being a small town (5000) where everyone new everyone's business had something to do with it.  You just all had to get along to at least some degree and it was hard to totally avoid someone.

Today I don't know what's wrong with people.  Parenting skills have gone downhill along with the society we live in.  Kids are exposed to so much more, they are so much better informed but yet they seemed to be soft and clueless.  To much time on the computer and not enough outside interacting with the world around them.

[dave500]

good post srust,our schools were like that,a few fights here and there,we always heard horror stories from the "other schools".we had a home for boys close to our school who through no fault of there own had no parents for various reasons,it was called the "tally ho home for boys" and they came to our high school,most had home made tattoos and a missing tooth or two(14/15 years old) however they were mostly good kids,a couple were my friends at school,a few surprised us all in their grades,these would be the ones youd expect to be bullies,but it seemed mostly to be spoilt types with a good home and parents who teased others.should start a school photo thread?theres four tally ho boys in this photo,im not one of them.

[MILO]

Throughout my time at school I was only ever picked on twice.
Being a Leprechaun at 5"6 I was much shorter than the perpetrators, I told my parents about it, dad basically said knock him as hard as you can in the mouth and he'll leave you alone hahaha.

Well I couldn't reach his mouth at the time so I just punched him as hard as i could in the chest, it winded him and he did anything annoying to me again. the next person who picked on me threw the first punch, dog hit, and we clonked each other until he started crying at left, he to never spoke to me again, and avoided me in the halls, which i thought was funny as i was about the smallest guy in my year level.

[Goofaroo]

I went to a small school and we had a few guys that would have been terrible bullies but some of us got together and didn't allow it. There were very few times we had to get very physical to prevent them from picking on someone. We had two guys that were kind of loners and were the primary targets and I'll always felt good about helping them fit in. In fact they became good friends.

One huge life lesson that you can teach your son from this is to NEVER treat anyone the way he is being treated by this bully. He now knows how it feels from the receiving end.

Here is my 2 cents:

Notify the school (CYA)

Notify the parents  (hopefully resolve the issue)

If all else fails, the shove into the lockers is the first punch. Teach your kid to respond with a brutal hit to the kid's beak followed by a nice throat punch. Let the wrestling match begin, the teachers will break it up, and the problem will be stopped. If the bully doesn't stop at this point there will be plenty of involvement by the school. Most likely though, he will never bother your kid again and neither will anyone else.

[Frankenkit]

so... my mom sent me this in an email a couple days ago...  These guys were some of the bullies at my school...
http://www.waupacanow.com/breakingnews/109062479.html
http://www.waupacanow.com/courts/107042023.html
can't say I'm terribly surprised but still. geez.