Topic: For those who enjoy language,( or Severe Distortions thereof):

[Dusthawk]

Think about it:

A.)   A mans home is his castle, in a manor of speaking,
B.)   Dijonvu - the same mustard as before.
C.)   Practice Safe Eating - always use condiments.
D.)   Shotgun Wedding – A case of Wife or Death.
E.)   Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine
F.)   A man needs a Mistress just to break the Monogamy.
G.)   A hangover is the wrath of Grapes.
H.)   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I.)   Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
J.)   Reading whilst sunbathing leaves you feeling well red.
K.)   When egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.
L.)   A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is Two Tired.
M.)   Definition of a will: A dead give away.
N.)   Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flies like a banana.
O.)   She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
P.)   A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Q.)   If you don’t pay your exorcist you’ll get repossessed.
R.)   With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
S.)   When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
T.)   You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
U.)   Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
V.)   Every calendars days are numbered.
W.)   A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.
X.)   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Y.)   A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Z.)   Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
AA.)   Once you’ve seen a shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
BB.)   Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
CC.)   Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
DD.)   Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Klark Kent]

long time fan of the pun, I heard this at a job the other day and had to reprint it somewhere- thanks for the excuse.  It's  a long one so hang on:

A lot of people remember Gandhi fondly, but few actually understand the conditions he lived under.  A deeply religious man, Gandhi answered to a higher calling and did not live like the average man.  He strived for simplicity, consuming a simple diet and sometimes fasting for long periods of time, leading to a slight figure and excessively bad breath.  Simplicity also led gandhi to walk many miles, leaving him with severely calloused feet.  But it is best that he be remembered as a great man, and not- as it is clear to those who know these more base facts of his existence- as a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.

[Bob Wessner]

As a pun fan, I think they are both great. 

[6pkrunner]

All pretty good, but some real excellent ones in there.

[needswork]

  hahaha...too funny  Anyone else got any?

[oldbiker]

How about "for richer, for poorer?" Thats the best joke I know.

[grumburg]

My favorite: "With friends like him, who needs enimas?"

[GeoffT]

OK - hope this translates across the pond.

Frog goes into a bank and goes up to the teller who is wearing a name badge. The frog looks at the badge and sees the teller is called Patricia Wack. He sais "Hello. I,m Kermit Jagger, Mick's son, I would like to borrow 20,000 pounds. Patricia tells him that for that sum of money the bank would need some collateral. He reaches into his pocket and brings out a small jewelled pink elephant and offers it to her. "Will this do?" she takes the elephant and sais "Wait a minute, I'll need to speak to the manager."

Patricia knocks on the managers door and goes in. "Hello Patty, how can I help you?" The manger says.
She replies "There is a frog outside, says his name is Kermit Jagger. He wants a loan for 20,000 pounds he's offering this as collateral." She shows the pink elephant to him and says "what is it?" The manager says


(wait for it)


Its a nick nack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a Rolling Stone

 

[Bob Wessner]

Ugh! But, 

[grumburg]

Man develops "Uncontrolled Flaglation" only the sound is like "Hondaaaaaa". Loses his job, his wife, and his friends. No doctor can help him. Finally, it gets a call from a Chinese doctor who had heard of his case. After confirming his symptoms, he said "you have an abcess". When asked how he could tell without even an exam, he said "Old Chinese proverb: 'Abcess make the fart go Honda'".

[Bob Wessner]

Could see it coming and I still laughed! 

[GeoffT]

It has been said that every General Election is the dawning of a new error

 

[Bob Wessner]

It has been said that every General Election is the dawning of a new error

That's Florida's state slogan isn't it? 

[Uncle Ernie]

Stupid song bits I seem to remember;
Ive got tears in my ears from lying on my back crying over you.

She was only the farmers daughter, but all the horse manure. (better if someone reads it to you)

Her teeth are on the table, her hair is on the shelf. Think I'll put the best part in a bag and go out by myself.