1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies: “ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00. )
6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I woke up this morning at 9:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast all day.
9. My wife packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed:
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!”
10. Bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her:
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
(The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
