Topic: I need advice, for real.

[Caaveman82]

So in the winter of 2004 I arrived on the island of Okinawa. Shortly after arriving I met my ex-wife. Let's call her... Satan. So Satan and I dated for roughly 11 months. We had the worst relationship ever and so we decided to get married. Logical, right? So we arrive together on Camp Pendleton. Things start getting really ugly.

We decided to have a child, because obviously that will fix all our problems. She wanted a kid and I did not and I did it any way because I wanted her to be happy. The more time passed the more I got used to the idea of being a Dad.

So then I get sent to Iraq for a second tour. We decided that while I was gone it'd be best if she went and stayed with her Mom back on Okinawa while she was carrying. Long story short things got worse and she ended up screwing some guy and then asking for a divorce the day I get back from Iraq. So seven months of bull crap and finally the divorce is finalized. I still up to this point had not met my son, Aiden.

After the divorce was over, she dissapeared. Totally off the grid. Her address? No good. Phone number? No good. Mom's number and address? No good. E-mail? No good. I was stunned. Fast forward three and a half years to the present.

I get a phone call from her the other day and she says "You are either going to have to start paying child support or give up your parental rights.". Whoah. What?

First of all let it be known that I WAS paying child support untill she took the eff off. Apparently she is now married to the guy she was screwing while I was in Iraq. Times are tough and he lost his job. So now she needs child support. Hmmm.

So I am really damn confused on what to do. He is my Son and I would like to meet the little guy. I would like to have joint custody. I am scared however. He is four now. He'll be five in Feb 2010. He doesn't know me at all. I wonder if I should just give up my rights? The thing is I just keep going back and forth in my head.

"He doesn't know you and he is old enough now to get screwed up by this."
"But he deserves the right to know who is real father is."
"but you have to remember presidence, is it better to inject yourself into his life at this stage? or let him stay with the "dad" he knows already?"
"but I never wanted to give him up in the first place, he was taken from me against my will."

and on, and on, and on, and on, and on....

Please, any thoughts on the matter would be great. I didn't ever think I would publicize this much of my life on the internet but I am stumped.

[Chester345]

What is their current location?

[Caaveman82]

What is their current location?

That's the best part.

I have no clue. She called from an unknown number and when I said well how do I get ahold of you, she said "I'll call you back."

She's known how to get a hold of me for the last four years, and I have not known how to get a hold of her, that really burns my @$$.

[DRam]

Sounds like time to talk to a lawyer.

[Caaveman82]

I've got the legal aspect covered...

I'm more or less having an epic moral dilemma.

[Chester345]

Tough subject.  I'll say you should make the decision that makes the most sense for you, but it sounds like you want to be in his life.  I think you should make a serious effort to get more info.

In this state, a parent has to sign away parental rights for the child to be adopted by someone else.  Keep this in mind if you consider signing that kind of paperwork.

You need more info on the child's life up till now I think to make this call too.

I don't envy you your decision, good luck.  

[flybox1]

 
As a father of 2 boys, i can tell you it kills me to have them gone for more than a weekend with the wifey to visit relatives.  it would ruin me to have them gone all together.
You gotta get back in his life.  he will appreciate you, mayby not now, but definitely later.

as far as the dough, get a lawyer.  it'll cost you a few bucks now, but at least you'll be able to know which 'child' you are supporting.
demand that if you take some of the financial interest, whereabouts and contact information must always be disclosed, or the bank of (biological) dad closes

There are too many kids around with only 1 parent. many single parents do a decent job, but many really eff their kids up.  having 3 parents, 2 you gotta live with, and one you can always run to, aint a bad scenario.  be there.

good luck and keep us posted.
FB1

[goon 1492]

For starters take exactly what you said and go get a lawyer, talk to them. If she took it upon herself to run off like that and never let you know anything it will help your case. This will make it harder for you to have to pay like that, I am not tryin to say this like in a cheap way of getting out of payin child support but she never even gave you the chance to see him.

Also what all did you agree upon in your divorce decree?  If she has agreed to certain visitation rights and never let you that will instantly get her in a pot of boiling water. It all usually boils down to the divorce decree and what you each agree on and that is set in stone unless one or the other defaults.

Time is of the escence my friend espically if she isn't smart enough to already have a lawyer after starting a pissing match, One thing in peticular is I think its a national law that each of you have to let the other one know where you live, phone numbers, and visitation rights, every time you move. You oviously have tried to contact the other party and need to have proof of that to help your claim.

One thing that can be done if she does somehow manage to swindle some back childsupport from ya talk to the judge and make an agreement to start paying child support BUT all back child support you want paid into an account that only the child can touch, and said child can't touch it under the age of 25 unless it's for college tuition. Or said child can have it at age 25.

I may be a touch off on some of these things but it can't hurt to ask a good lawyer.

[Caaveman82]

Well if I go the route of child support I plan on walking into Hennepin country court house and laying it all out there for them to see what has been happening and set it up on my own.

Then start a custody trial and drag her through the freakin dirt.

We decided to leave custody out of the divorce decree. Big mistake on my part obviously.

[Uncle Ernie]

She is blackmailing you.  She is evil incarnate and I would do whatever it takes to avoid her.  Talk to a lawyer- I can't imagine you owe her any child support- especially as she has married someone else.  You also need to get this lawyer to tell you how to protect yourself.  Don't let him give you any canned answers that you could find on a government website, either.
Do NOT get shared custody.  Either go for the kid 100%, or walk away.  Otherwise, you are in for a world of hurt and misery that is unimaginable until you're in the middle of it. 
If you do decide to get sole custody, be prepared to spend hellacious amounts of money to do so.  Also be prepared to give up all vestiges of any life as you ever experienced it or hoped to.  A kid is 100% full time and costs tons-O-money. 

Personally, I would move and get a new phone.  Anyone who gave her any info on you is not your friend. 

[kirkn]

What Ernie said...


Plus, if you haven't been legally, documentably "leaving no stone unturned" over the last 4 years to get back into the kid's life, don't start now.

No ethical dilemma about it...

[goon 1492]

Good luck brother ther is some good people on here. My wife and I have been batteling the shild support crap for about 5yrs solid now with her ex that can't seem to stay out of jail, well he's not in gen pop either (sissy) he has been in and out of rehab programs for years now   Claimed he loved the children but couldn't keep his mouth shut enought to shelter them from the drugs and partying crap we parents are raised to keep our kids from..
He also could never keep a job to save his life and his mother kept bailing him out( and still does beatch sends him money and tells me to work more, I then proceed to flip her the bird  ), he would say the whole time that he loved them but never could bring it to himself to support them $$$ wise, now he's right about 10 grand behind, and yours truly has been footing the bill, Its ok though I have been their daddy since they have both been in diapers and they love me for it. I was the same way when I was a kid and had a stepdad, he's still a great man in my eye.

[rhos1355]

Caave, I have never had kids, never wanted them. So I reckon you won't give my post much weight. But looking at it from a completely unemotional point I reckon you should walk away.
Once you meet your child you'll be hooked and then the bond will form in an instant and it'll be gnawing in your brain every minute of every day. She'll be able to threaten, blackmail or whatever way she wants and you'll pay, you'll pay dearly for the love of your child.
But if you do take the child on, maybe, just maybe you might be able to conjure up some legal case to let you have the kid back full time. Your lawyers might know how to do this.

[goon 1492]

Honestly it sounds like the poor sould would be better in your hands, atleast we would have the chance of another machinist in the world in your hands and not The Future Criminals of America or World in her hands.

[sangyo soichiro]

I'm sorry Caave.
But I don't think by paying child support you are going to be able to see your child.  My hunch is that you will be in the same situation you're in now, except you'd be paying for it.  I don't advise fathers not pay child support, but your situation sounds different.

Again, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[sangyo soichiro]

Question Caave...
Is Satan an American citizen? 

I assume from your story that she's Okinawan.  I think that complicates things, and if so, I really stand by what I said before.


Man... I'm sorry.

[goon 1492]

True on that your situation is a very unique one my brother.

[lynchj]

Wow.... I'm so sorry for you. I wish I could impart some words of wisdom but I'm not that good with words and I'm no lawyer. You obviously are a very carring person, otherwise this situation wouldn't bother you in the least.
 My 2 cents is that "Satan" is trying to get $ out of you and that's all, she has one objective. I agree with the others in the "get a lawyer". This does kind of smell (stink) of blackmail.

 

[Achmed]

That kid should have his father in his life. But it will probably be ridiculously difficult to deal with the ex, which will be required in order for you to be in the kid's life. It is not fun at all but I believe it is worth it. I have three little girls myself and they would get completely f-ed in the head if I vanished from their life. Your situation is a little different but not that much. Four is still pretty young. Assuming you have a decent lawyer, you will be granted visitation but probably not full custody unless you can show a pattern of her violating court orders with respect to the child. And most judges would not take a child away from the mother unless she is drugged out or causing serious, documented neglect.

Best wishes, man.

Nate

[HavocTurbo]

I'll sit in the blackmail camp.

Coming from a single parent home my parents fought for almost 16 years before the custody battle was finished.

The way I see it, you have two choices.

Leave the kid alone. Or fight that #$%* to the death.

The fact that you couldn't even exercise your parental rights for the last few years has got to count for something.

[bucky katt]

well, i may just be talking out of my ass on this since i've never had to deal with this (only kids i have are 4 legged, hair covered and weigh from 6 to 1500 pounds) BUT i'd think that you can make it a requirement that you know where your son is and can see him regularly, the courts still really favor the mother but fathers seem to be getting more and more rights these days. this is my opinion but if you want to see your son and youre willing and able to pay child support then do it. i think alot of the problems kids cause these days are caused by not having a good strong father figure in their lives (the boys anyways) even if satan (same name as my wife) tries to use the boy to get back at you for something, dont play her game. lots of good unconditional love is what your son needs now it sounds like.

[Jay B]

I might be kind of a cynical bastard here, but it really sonds to me like you are being set up. I feel your pain, but from the outside looking in, things don't look good.

[Uncle Ernie]

I forgot- is all this going on from another country?  Just look at problems birth parents are having in the news.

Plus- do you even know if this IS your kid?  Sounds to be like it could be anyone's and you're the only one who answers the phone.

I hope you think about all the ramifications of any possible choices more than you did about getting married.  You seem to have a history of ignoring red flags.  I don't want to get you PO'd or hurt your feelings, but WTF?  I'd be telling my best friend the same thing.
(I'm a people person)

[shacolaid]

Some good advice on here. As most have said, talk to your lawyer. I would only have correspondence to her through the attorney. If you have the money, fight till you get custody. But therein lies the rub. You and you only can make the decision if you want to be a part of your son's life. No one else.
I have 3 children and no one or thing would keep me from seeing them. Cheers.

[martino1972]

um,sorry,but WHAT..??   "maybe I should give up my rights.."...

DUDE,what you need to do is take the #$%* to court and DEMAND full custody....!!!
What she is doing is illegal.......!!!!!

NEVER give up your right...! your the dad for #$%* sakes.......!!!!!!!

If you take legal action and she can't be found,they should be able to find her....she's illegal and when they do find her,you got a good change you will get your son.......

Fight the #$%*....!!!!