For those of you twiddling spanners this weekend, here's some handy-dandy Haynes manual translations that might come in useful...
Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise
Haynes: As described in Chapter 4...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you're going to be looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox!
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (you know, the giant trade size)
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG! "Jesus! Where the hell did that go?!"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit done away with, now fetch the pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)
Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it
Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!
Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this - so how did you manage to f**k it up?!
Haynes: Two spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number - but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)
Haynes: Three spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your motorbike for a couple of days
Haynes: Four spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this, are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in/on it again
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife/husband/partner "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right! It just means that you swear in different places
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off plastic locating pegs
Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book - except the one thing that you need to do
