A Message from John Cleese:
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
"revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft sp ell- checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen.
