My bad guys, I was setting the point gap improperly. Both my manuals said "when the points are fully open," which I thought meant on the firing mark. I busted out my timing light and found that the points started to open WAY before the F mark, which conflicted with the timing light method in both manuals.
I adjusted the gap while the points were ACTUALLY fully open, and now I have proper timing (I actually had to retard the plate almost to the limit to get the 1-4 timing dead on). Checked with strobe gun, and 1-4 is nearly dead on, and 2-3 is dead on.
NOW I can finally sort my carbs. They need it too, because 1/8-1/4 throttle is absolutely dreadful, I won't get ANY RPM increase and it'll stumble like a drunk. After 1/4 throttle though it just RIPS. Smells super rich, so I'm going to take off the stack screens and see if it gets better.
Thanks lucky, TT, HM, phil, and everyone else who put up with the drama I caused. Important thing is I learned something!