Topic: Just needed To Tell Something About This Morning

[bill440cars]

         Just thought of something this morning and wanted to tell Someone, that's all.

         Back when we got my Dad up here and I managed to get him in the assisted living apartment, Brenda was SO Glad that we had reached that point because she had REALLY wanted us to get my Dad up here so that he could go to Church with us (SHE especially wanted that!). Of course we ALL wanted that, BUT Brenda was REALLY wanting it! Well,  now and then, Brenda just wasn't feeling up to getting out to go. And it really bothered her very badly when this would happen. I mean, all this time, she would tell me that she sure would be glad when we could get to where we could have him up here and in Church with us. About a couple of weeks before she passed away, she REALLY wasn't feeling good and now I see that I should have taken her to see what was going on with her. On that particular Sunday Morning, as usual, I went to take care of my Dad's needs (check blood sugar and give him his insulin shot), bring him with me and pick up Brenda for Church. We got back to our home, Brenda came out (telling me that she sure was tired, but wanted to go with us to Church) and sshe had to have help from Me, just to get into our MINIVAN! After getting in the van, she was wasted, she was so drained! My Dad and I convinced her to go back into the house. Why in the Hell didn't I have the good sense to get her to the emergency room or at least to the Walk-In Clinic!     ALL of this just came rushing back to me this morning (Sunday), as I was getting myself a cup of coffee to help stop the coughing (from my agitated Asthma). Isn't THAT the ways it goes? We can ALWAYS look back and see what we SHOULD have done and yet not see it, before hand or even at that time. IF I had insisted that she see a Doctor then, they MIGHT could have done something! MAYBE! I know that I need to quit doing this, but these thoughts keep on popping up and at the most unsuspecting times. She probably would have resisted, saying it wasn't that bad.  

            Guess that's it, so I'll go for now and THANKS for the opportunity to let loose here,  Bill      

[333]

Dude, stop kicking yourself.  You're probably right in that she would have resisted, and there's nothing you could have done short of calling 911.

[bill440cars]

Dude, stop kicking yourself.  You're probably right in that she would have resisted, and there's nothing you could have done short of calling 911.

  I know that, but these thoughts keep popping up and I guess they will for some time. I'm trying, believe me I am. She was my Life! I was just thinking about how GOOD she felt to FINALLY have my DAD up here, to go to CHurch with US (HER) and THAT was what I was going to put on here. Then, while I was typing, all those other thoughts just came flooding in. you know? At least, it seems to be letting up somewhat (the "What IF" thoughts).

                                     Thanks Man, Bill

[tramp]

you can't go back in time
i understand regret but put no blame on it
gotta look forward to go on
look back for the good memories

[Johnie]

It would not have made a difference Bill. The Lord was calling her home...

[bill440cars]

you can't go back in time
i understand regret but put no blame on it
gotta look forward to go on
look back for the good memories

It would not have made a difference Bill. The Lord was calling her home...

           I know you all are right and I'm trying, but this seems to be the toughest thing I have EVER had to do! Others mean a lot to me too (my Daughter, My Parents, Grandparents, etc. but they are all gone now except my Daughter and my Dad) but losing Brenda was the BIGGEST blow KI have ever had and it is a REAL struggle to deal with. I DO know that without the Lord AND the support from my Daughter, My Dad my SOHC4 Family and Friends, I would be a total "Basket Case". Doesn't do me any good knowing that her body is buried out there in that Cemetery, knowing also that she didn't like the cold and wet weather. I'm just afraid that, as I get these feelings, if I don't let them out, I'll go nuts! Oh, I Do pray about it and I talk to my Dad and Karla at times, about SOME of the feelings and all, but I don't want them to be burdened with all this as well. I DO have Karla's waiver worker, who is like Family also, but I can't always get hold of her ,when I have the need to talk. SO, I come here! I'm just glad that you all don't charge like a Psychiatrist would, cause I couldn't afford ya! The support I get here, helps so much. I usually get these feelings, when no one's around or IF I do get them when I'm with someone, I manage to put up a good front for the time being. Not Always, but Usually.

                                       Thanks guys, Bill

     

[Johnie]

Bill...I have some friends that were going through the same thing as you with the loss of a spouse. They attended a support group for people that went through the same thing as you and it helped them a lot. Maybe something like that would help you to through this difficult time.

[bill440cars]

Bill...I have some friends that were going through the same thing as you with the loss of a spouse. They attended a support group for people that went through the same thing as you and it helped them a lot. Maybe something like that would help you to through this difficult time.

      I don't know, I talked to a woman who works with Bost, like I do and she asked me to  her Church, as there are several men and women there who have lost their mates. But, it's over in Van Buren and that's about 25 miles away. I don't know. But, Thank you for the thought though. We'll see.

[bill440cars]

      Well, I told Karla bout my thoughts that I had this morning, while we were going to take care of my Dad and take him out today. Then, while taking care of my Dad's blood sugar check and giving him his insulin, I also told him. My Dad tells me that he knows what I'm going through and basically that you don't really get over it, you just get to where you can tolerate or deal with in better as time goes on. And, I know that, it's just that I need reassurance now and then and hopefully (as time goes on) I'll be able to more easily get through the days.
   
     I think that if I can work through this time of the year and get to where the weather will be more suitable for me to get outside more and doing things, I'll be able to get on with things easier. I DO have alot to do and you'd think that I wouldn't have time to get off track like this, but it sure does seem to happen. I know that I'll make it, it just (at times) seems it so overwhelming, that's all.

                 Thanks for listening (or reading), Bill
                       

[clarkjh]

Bill

Hind sight is 20/20.
We all have things is our past, both good and bad, that will pop to mind from time to time.  The trick is to treasure the good, and come to terms that we can't change the past on the bad.
I know this may not make things any easier for you, but I do hope it helps.
Stay strong

James

[haill]

Maybe the idea of getting out and doing things which you don't normally do will open up a new world for you.  Helping  to move on with your life and enjoy yourself again. Even if you don't visit the church group, just changing routine, going places you've never seen, experiencing the new, getting away from the TV and the Computer.  Force yourself to be around other people, they will help you move away from the memories that are troubling you and create some sense of peace in your life.
Work hard at it, your life depends on it.
my regards Bill
best, Keith