I know that I need to respect her wishes and all, I really thought that after I explained how things were with ME and that either way, I would be hurt and I wanted yo be a Part of this, to BE THERE for her and help in any way I could (since she's been through the basic thing twice before), I felt she would reconsider and let me try to make the best of the GOOD times.
I know I felt good about the thing with the waitress, then the other Lady who was already a friend (still is), but THIS Lady was ALWAYS something to behold (looks, Personality AND Character). I NEVER had any thoughts about any thing with here thought, because after all I was Married, when I first met her. So, I guess I'll just bide my time and check on her now and then and Pray Super Hard That she makes it past this and see how things turn out. I had really been lacking for months now, I've put up a decent front, but inside, I was hurting and somewhat disoriented (by that, I mean I was here but, there were things that I just didn't get done like I should (like some bills) and got behind on numerous things. My house is really cluttered from mail (bills, junk mail and such) just piling up and cluttering up the house. I've got a shredder, but I'd come in with the intentions of getting after that stuff and getting the house in order and I'd just look at it and not really interested in doing anything about it. Wednesday, when she told me that she wanted to see where it would go, I locked in on that and didn't really think about when she said she wanted to wait til after she was past the cancer, to consider a relationship. So, Wednesday night, Thursday and this morning (while under the impression that we were moving into a relationship) I was wound up and actually started to take care of things that needed it for so long. Now, here I am, totally lost! I will say one thing, this is the 3rd and last time I am going to try to get anything going. That's it! The only way I see anything happening, is for her to beat this thing one more time AND let me back in, to if we can get moving again. Now, IF that were to happen(and, don't get me wrong, I believe she WILL beat it again and backing that up with tons of Prayer), I'd be there before she finished saying the words. I just can't keep doing this, I'm so shaken NOW, that I'm not even sure what I'm doing, at times. Now, the only thing that gives me any good feeling at all, is to take the GTX out for a run AND I can't afford the gas to do that. I'm just tired! Might help if I could get a few days off, but every weekday morning, I get up at 5:30 - 6:00AM, take Karla over to Joey's, Pick him up, take them to Bost, (Mondays, I go over and do my paper work, with Karla's worker), come back home, take care of a few things (clothes, dishes, whatever), then by mid day, I go take care of my Dad, Go back home, try to get some more things done, go pick Karla and Joey up from Bost, runs some errands, come back home, do a few things, fix supper, takes care of a few more things, take Joey home and wind up my Day only to do the same basic thing for the rest of the week. Weekend is basically the same except we don't go to Bost, but we usually take my Dad out to lunch. For awhile, Karla's worker would keep Karla for a couple of day's and I wouldn't have Joey, so I could have some time to myself. Things have gotten so, that Karla's worker hasn't had the time to help like that for a while and therefore, I am about to come unwound.
