Author Topic: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.  (Read 105699 times)

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Offline Kaze

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1475 on: October 12, 2023, 11:12:17 PM »
I'm not actually old but I often forget why I came into a room. My doctor told me that there are 3 stages of aging. The first is memory loss. I can't recall the other two.

Sometimes in the morning I go to the breakfast table, look at my lovely wife and say, "Hey cutie, do I come here often?"
« Last Edit: October 12, 2023, 11:38:28 PM by Kaze »

Offline dave500

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1476 on: October 13, 2023, 02:49:11 AM »
Im not really old or that old,its just that i was born a long time ago,i cant help it so #$%* off!

Offline Kaze

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1477 on: October 14, 2023, 05:08:33 PM »
If Time and Space were women you could only screw Space, because Time is relative.

Offline Kaze

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1478 on: October 14, 2023, 11:09:27 PM »
:)

Offline Kaze

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1479 on: October 17, 2023, 08:29:03 PM »
A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."
The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me check the problem...where's the car?" His wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1480 on: October 18, 2023, 11:19:42 AM »
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
 TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench".  Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers.  Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
 Son of a #$%* TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Prokop
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Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline HondaMan

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1481 on: October 18, 2023, 07:00:15 PM »
A Master Machinist's collection, Prokop?
Most excellent!
See SOHC4shop@gmail.com for info about the gadgets I make for these bikes.

The demons are repulsed when a man does good. Use that.
Blood is thicker than water, but motor oil is thicker yet...so, don't mess with my SOHC4, or I might have to hurt you.
Hondaman's creed: "Bikers are family. Treat them accordingly."

Link to Hondaman Ignition: http://forums.sohc4.net/index.php?topic=67543.0

Link to My CB750 Book: https://www.lulu.com/search?adult_audience_rating=00&page=1&pageSize=10&q=my+cb750+book

Link to website: www.SOHC4shop.com

Offline rocket johnny

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1482 on: October 19, 2023, 10:08:27 AM »
made me laugh !!!   so true !

Offline Alan F.

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1483 on: October 19, 2023, 05:50:48 PM »
Loved the hacksaw description.

Offline Kelly E

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1484 on: October 19, 2023, 06:34:03 PM »
I still remember learning every one of those lessons the hard way at least a couple of times. ;D
Never Give Up - Never Surrender

The Rust Bros. Garage Collection
1974 Honda CB 550 K0                                            1971 MGB/GT
1975 Honda CB 400F Super Sport                          1972 MGB/GT
1977 Kawasaki KZ 1000 LTD                                   1985 GMC S15
1978 Kawasaki KL 250
1980 Suzuki GS 1100E
1982 Honda CB 900F Super Sport
1983 Honda CB 1100F
1984 Honda VF 700S Sabre
1984 Honda VF 1000F Interceptor
1990 Moto Guzzi 1000 Le Mans
1994 Kawasaki Concours ZG 1000A9
2005 Harley Davidson Fat Boy

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1485 on: October 20, 2023, 04:35:25 AM »
Bearing separator deserves a story too.

I remember splitting the case for 250 CZ - my first bike ever - and there was a last hidden bolt in the middle of it.
Prokop
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Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline dhall57

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1486 on: October 22, 2023, 02:18:42 AM »
The year I was born
1970 CB750KO
1971 CB500KO-project bike
1973 CB350G- project bike
1974 CB750K4-project bike
1974 CB750K4
1976 CB750K6
1977 GL1000
1997 Harley Wideglide

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1487 on: October 23, 2023, 03:55:06 AM »
 ;D
Prokop
_______________
Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline HondaMan

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1488 on: October 23, 2023, 09:33:29 AM »
:D
See SOHC4shop@gmail.com for info about the gadgets I make for these bikes.

The demons are repulsed when a man does good. Use that.
Blood is thicker than water, but motor oil is thicker yet...so, don't mess with my SOHC4, or I might have to hurt you.
Hondaman's creed: "Bikers are family. Treat them accordingly."

Link to Hondaman Ignition: http://forums.sohc4.net/index.php?topic=67543.0

Link to My CB750 Book: https://www.lulu.com/search?adult_audience_rating=00&page=1&pageSize=10&q=my+cb750+book

Link to website: www.SOHC4shop.com

Offline Don R

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1489 on: October 25, 2023, 11:19:11 PM »
 My wife said I have two problems, one is I don't listen, and the other one is I don't know, something else.
No matter how many times you paint over a shadow, it's still there.
 CEO at the no kill motorcycle shop.
 You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Offline Kelly E

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1490 on: October 26, 2023, 10:18:49 AM »
My wife said I have two problems, one is I don't listen, and the other one is I don't know, something else.

What? 8)
Never Give Up - Never Surrender

The Rust Bros. Garage Collection
1974 Honda CB 550 K0                                            1971 MGB/GT
1975 Honda CB 400F Super Sport                          1972 MGB/GT
1977 Kawasaki KZ 1000 LTD                                   1985 GMC S15
1978 Kawasaki KL 250
1980 Suzuki GS 1100E
1982 Honda CB 900F Super Sport
1983 Honda CB 1100F
1984 Honda VF 700S Sabre
1984 Honda VF 1000F Interceptor
1990 Moto Guzzi 1000 Le Mans
1994 Kawasaki Concours ZG 1000A9
2005 Harley Davidson Fat Boy

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1491 on: October 26, 2023, 11:38:56 AM »
Saw this today on FB from Tail of the Dragon.  Not sure how much of a joke it is.
Prokop
_______________
Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline dave500

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1492 on: October 27, 2023, 03:04:17 AM »
work?

Offline RAFster122s

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1493 on: October 27, 2023, 04:46:31 AM »
 :-\
David- back in the desert SW!

Offline dave500

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1494 on: October 27, 2023, 05:14:46 AM »
#$%*?if thats real theres no hope for the future?

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1495 on: October 27, 2023, 05:39:01 AM »
 ;D
Prokop
_______________
Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline 70CB750

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1496 on: October 27, 2023, 05:41:17 AM »
 :)
Prokop
_______________
Pure Gas - find ethanol free gas station near you

I love it when parts come together.

Dorothy - my CB750
CB750K3F - The Red
Sidecar


CB900C

2006 KLR650

Offline grcamna2

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1497 on: October 27, 2023, 08:28:01 AM »
75' CB400F/'bunch o' parts' & 81' CB125S modded to a 'CB200S'
  I love the small ones too !
Do your BEST...nobody can take that away from you.

Offline HondaMan

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1498 on: October 27, 2023, 06:31:21 PM »
It looks similar to the deck gun on the old WWII subs.
See SOHC4shop@gmail.com for info about the gadgets I make for these bikes.

The demons are repulsed when a man does good. Use that.
Blood is thicker than water, but motor oil is thicker yet...so, don't mess with my SOHC4, or I might have to hurt you.
Hondaman's creed: "Bikers are family. Treat them accordingly."

Link to Hondaman Ignition: http://forums.sohc4.net/index.php?topic=67543.0

Link to My CB750 Book: https://www.lulu.com/search?adult_audience_rating=00&page=1&pageSize=10&q=my+cb750+book

Link to website: www.SOHC4shop.com

Offline RAFster122s

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Re: Joke, or mood lightener of the day.
« Reply #1499 on: October 27, 2023, 06:53:12 PM »
 ;D
David- back in the desert SW!