Topic: question for other members with a significant other

[BeSeeingYou]

My wife does that all the time!  The real problem is that she seems to think I'm a lot more complicated than I actually am, so she reads into what I'm asking thinking that I'm asking a much more complex question than I am, when really I'm asking a very basic question and looking for a very basic, short answer.  

I just wait until she's done and then repeat the question, which usually results in getting the short answer I was looking for in the first place.  She just has so many words she needs to get out of her system before she can get the real answer out, I guess.

We're perfect for each other, though.  In social situations she takes care of all the conversation, and I can just stand there drinking my beer and occasionally throw in a word or two to clarify or emphasize certain things.  It works out great!

This is a great description.  All I want is a yes or no answer and I get a big explanation.  Or she wants to explain why she is asking the question beforehand.  She is much more expressive emotionally and vocally than I am.  It's a small price to pay for a woman who has put up with me all these last 27 years.  She must see something cause she is smarter and more mature than me.  I feel lucky to have her.

[bill440cars]

  And I hope you ALL make it a lot longer I made it to 38 and 1/2 yrs.

[Gordon]

My wife is also prone to overreacting and responding defensively when I ask a simple question.  She reads into the question and thinks I'm trying to make some kind of subtle suggestion or hint, instead of just asking the question I'm asking.  

For example, I'll be making a sandwich for lunch and ask her if we have any mayo.  She'll get defensive and say "I'm sorry!  I forgot to get more when I was at the store last time.  I had the kids with me and I was in a hurry and the store was busy and I had to go to three more places before going home and my mom called while I was there and Leon was getting fussy and I forgot the grocery bags and I left the shopping list in the car!"

Instead of just saying "no".  

She interprets my questions as commentary on her actions when really all I wanted to know is if we have any more mayo.  It's endlessly entertaining!

[MickeyX]

So, now imagine what it's like in a house with 2 women....  You're lucky that you can tune it out. It's like in stereo here. 

[Gordon]

So, now imagine what it's like in a house with 2 women....   You're lucky that you can tune it out. It's like in stereo here.  

I've always wondered how that goes down.  How does an argument between married women end?  Does it end?  


I'll be getting a double-dose of the female mind soon enough, though.  Our daughter is two months old now, but she'll be a teenager one day!

[bucky katt]

My wife is also prone to overreacting and responding defensively when I ask a simple question.  She reads into the question and thinks I'm trying to make some kind of subtle suggestion or hint, instead of just asking the question I'm asking.  

For example, I'll be making a sandwich for lunch and ask her if we have any mayo.  She'll get defensive and say "I'm sorry!  I forgot to get more when I was at the store last time.  I had the kids with me and I was in a hurry and the store was busy and I had to go to three more places before going home and my mom called while I was there and Leon was getting fussy and I forgot the grocery bags and I left the shopping list in the car!"

Instead of just saying "no".  

She interprets my questions as commentary on her actions when really all I wanted to know is if we have any more mayo.  It's endlessly entertaining!

that happens here pretty frequently, i know that sometimes my tone of voice sounds like i'm pissed off and criticizing but i'm usually not, it's the tone of voice i have for everything when i hurt so bad i'm about to pee myself

[Frankenkit]

dude, it's a woman thing.  If she just answered all your yes/no questions with a simple yes or no, it would mean (probably 89% of the time unless she was busy with something) she's pissed at you
"for something you did that's all your fault, you big, dumb man."

On the flip side, that's also why women, when they're new to a relationship, get all anxious and insecure when hubby answers in binary.  "Is he mad? Is it something I did?  What did I do?" because most of their friends never use binary unless they're pissed.

Gordon - Women will also remind themselves "I need to get X at the grocery store. We're out, dammit and I forgot."
Somehow you are also supposed to know this, so when you open the fridge and say, "Do you want X?"
It's a "nagging reminder" that she forgot it... so she's going to go off or at least get #$%*y.

oh and if some chick reads this and assumes I'm a guy, she'd also get pissed because I'm using blanket statements, but you know what?  Stereotypes are not formed in a vacuum.

For men, the height of relationship intimacy seems to be when both people can sit together in a room and not have to say a word to communicate their feelings.

For women, the height of relationship intimacy seems to be the ability to say anything at all and be understood.  We can exercise this to great length.

[bucky katt]

So, now imagine what it's like in a house with 2 women....   You're lucky that you can tune it out. It's like in stereo here.  

I've always wondered how that goes down.  How does an argument between married women end?  Does it end?  


I'll be getting a double-dose of the female mind soon enough, though.  Our daughter is two months old now, but she'll be a teenager one day!

i lived in a house with 3 women, 2 of whom were a couple. for 6 days every month i wanted to run and hide. their cycles all synchronized

[Frankenkit]

only 6 days?  you're lucky then.  I have a good two weeks where I shouldn't be allowed near sensitive people.

[Gordon]

dude, it's a woman thing.  If she just answered all your yes/no questions with a simple yes or no, it would mean (probably 89% of the time unless she was busy with something) she's pissed at you
"for something you did that's all your fault, you big, dumb man."

I can totally tell when she's pissed at me but doesn't want to come right out and say what she's pissed at me about, so I play dumb and act like everything's cool.  That pisses her off even more.  It's great fun!

I can also make her laugh no matter how mad at me she is.  That also pisses her off even more!



We agreed a long time ago that I get to die first.  I think she may end up making sure that happens.

[bucky katt]

only 6 days?  you're lucky then.  I have a good two weeks where I shouldn't be allowed near sensitive people.

and one of the ladies is 6'7" former basketball and hockey player. she could have kicked my ass without breaking a sweat  

[Freaky1]

I can tell within 2 words if my wife is pissed at me, in which case I just go on about my business and stay out of her way. I used to try and find out what I did but I find it's just much easier to leave her alone. Only took me 4 years to figure that out and the last 7 have been much better! If she's pissed at the kids, well then I kind of need to help.

[MCRider]

LOL, funny post. I learned along time ago, women want to talk about stuff, and men just fix the stuff and move on.

That goes with Tramp's mars/Venus comment. THat's the whole story, Women talk, men do. Accept it. I don't mean to imply that women don't "do" things obviously they do. I'm talking about characteristics of the relationship.

Don't ask her if she's hungry, tell her your starting dinner. WOuld she like to contribute.

ALso rememeber, just because a woman is talking doesn't mean you have to participate OTHER THAN listening and nodding. THAT"S all that is needed.

Just because they have a problem doesn't mean they want a fix. THey want you to listen.

If you want the biggest improvement inrelationship, try this. No matter what you are watching, if she starts to talk during TV, MUTE IT and listen. The first couple of times may be excruciating, may last for the whole show. But the interuptions will get less and shorter. If she knows she is more important than the TV, sooner or later she will quit interrupting.

On the MAYO question, she obviously didn't get an opportunity to unwind that situation and took the Mayo question to do it. Every time she comes in the door, you have to stop everything, give her a (non-sexual) hug and ask how it went. If you haven't been doing that, when you start it will takeforever. But soon she'll know you care and the welcome home episodes go from minutes to seconds. In the long run it will take a lot less time and the next time you ask about the Mayo she'll say no.


PS: as far as listening and hugging, it helps if you mean it.

[Frankenkit]

LOL, funny post. I learned along time ago, women want to talk about stuff, and men just fix the stuff and move on.

That goes with Tramp's mars/Venus comment. THat's the whole story, Women talk, men do. Accept it.

Don't ask her if she's hungry, tell her your starting dinner. WOuld she like to contribute.

<snip>
PS: as far as listening and hugging, it helps if you mean it.

MCRider, you SO rock. good advice.

[MCRider]

Kit: I read your post too, back at ya. 

[bucky katt]

i actually tried muting the tv when she had something to say and i got attitude, like i was making some big deal because she started talking. for the most part though, we get along pretty good. amazing how well we do get along as she graduated college the year i was born. i'm 41, virginia is 62. i married the very first woman i met that liked the 3 stooges as much as i do 

[Uncle Ernie]

Kathleen is out there hauling furniture most of the day.   She comes home hungry, and likes my cooking.  I make it- she eats it. 
She tells me I'm smart, I tell her she's too inlelligent for someone so beautiful. 
She thinks I'm an irrascible liar, I think her head is made of granite.

It's a beautiful thing.

[demon78]

Going on 42 years, we've worked a lot of things out but there are times when I'm not sure what's going on, she'll get way to subtle for me and I have to remind her that I'm a mechanic not a people person at all, and if she want's to do something I'll help, just don't take my sensitivity level for granted, ask.
Bill the demon.

[Gordon]

On the MAYO question, she obviously didn't get an opportunity to unwind that situation and took the Mayo question to do it. Every time she comes in the door, you have to stop everything, give her a (non-sexual) hug and ask how it went. If you haven't been doing that, when you start it will takeforever. But soon she'll know you care and the welcome home episodes go from minutes to seconds. In the long run it will take a lot less time and the next time you ask about the Mayo she'll say no.

Why so one-sided?  I'm actually the one who does most of the housework and child-rearing, on top of my full time job, so why don't I get the extra attention?   But I know what you're saying.

[NickC]

My wife is pretty good at answering questions without much run around. It's the "under pressure" decisions that get her. She panics, i make fun of her, she gets mad, hilarity ensues 

[MCRider]

On the MAYO question, she obviously didn't get an opportunity to unwind that situation and took the Mayo question to do it. Every time she comes in the door, you have to stop everything, give her a (non-sexual) hug and ask how it went. If you haven't been doing that, when you start it will takeforever. But soon she'll know you care and the welcome home episodes go from minutes to seconds. In the long run it will take a lot less time and the next time you ask about the Mayo she'll say no.

Why so one-sided?  I'm actually the one who does most of the housework and child-rearing, on top of my full time job, so why don't I get the extra attention?   But I know what you're saying.

Oh absolutley. That was simply my perspective for that post.

Back in the 50s, when girls learned "home economics" they were taught to meet their man at the door when he returns home from work, in a fresh dress, with the kids at hand, faces and hands washed.  Slippers at hand lead him to the recliner for 15 minutes of alone time.

We've gotten away from that too bad. That example is one sided as well, Back then things were a little more one sided.

When couples say they are successful because they "work" on it , its these exercizes that are the "work" There should be a welcome home ritual for each. A little different for each, first is the greeting/hug, then usually the woman gets 15 minutes of listen time, the man gets 15 minutes of ""cave" (alone) time. Of course its different for each couple, etc. who had the tougher day, etc, needs to be balanced, it needs to be an obvious effort as the effort is what makes it real. And if its real, the effort gets easier.

YMMV, works for us.

[bill440cars]

       I'll tell ya, without a "Handbook of sorts", Brenda and I made it to almost 39yrs and we BOTH learned alot, while being too stubborn to give up. After awhile we made it okay, with occasional disruptions and a few years back, I ended up dong all of the meals, grocery shopping, clothes washing, dishes and such. We had some times during all of that, that were touchy, it's only natural. But, we made it! Now, I'm at the point to where I need someone in MY life and even though I'm rusty as hell in the area of getting something going, with a woman. But, if I ever get back into a relationship, I feel like I am going to be better at this whole thing. I can look back now and see where I should have done SOME things differently and can also see that there were things I could have done to make things better. I'm not saying that I was the only one making mistakes, but I can at least fine tune things better and be more understanding.

        One thing that was always funny to me, was her complimenting
my cooking and I told her I didn't know if she really meant it OR if she was doing it so that I would cook more and she could cook less! Sometime after that, she told me that it was actually BOTH ways! She really DID like my cooking (and it DID mean she didn't have to cook so much) and, she should, she taught me to cook some of those things.

       All in all, we had some problems as expected, but it was time well spent AND I'd do it all over again (except, I'm try Harder, for HER sake!).  

          Speaking of cooking, I need to go fix lunch for Karla and myself.

[demon78]

I'd prefer that she meet me at the door dressed in saran wrap and a dram, rather than with my slippers, but I'm an old perv. I'll have to ask her how I should greet her.
Bill the demon.

[bucky katt]

well, she actually let me sleep as long as i needed to. i have either the flu or a cold+stomach bug and i ended up sleeping nearly 20 hours. then the first conversation we had i asked a yes or no question.............................. i just started laughing my fool head off, i actually fell over becuase my balance is kind of wonky right now.

[Jordan]

 

 Man Rules
At last a Man has taken the time to write this all down   

 Finally, the mans' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear 'the rules' From the female side ...Now here are the rules from the male side. 


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!


 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1... Crying is blackmail.

3. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

4. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

5. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

6. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

7. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one

8. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.  Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

9. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

10. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

11. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

12. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

13. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

14. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

15. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

16. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

17. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -  to give them a bigger laugh.