Author Topic: Joke, or mood lightener of the day. (Read 160788 times)

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #300 on:** February 14, 2021, 06:25:57 PM »

Quote from: 70CB750 on February 14, 2021, 03:51:34 AM

Wow, a hand held mill, what'll they think of next?

Don R · « **Reply #301 on:** February 14, 2021, 06:56:00 PM »

Where does the lumber mill keep their records?

In a Log book!

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #302 on:** February 14, 2021, 09:33:29 PM »

SO, MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government.
This practice remains unbroken to this day.

Don R · « **Reply #303 on:** February 14, 2021, 09:44:38 PM »

Fact ^

grcamna2 · « **Reply #304 on:** February 14, 2021, 10:19:47 PM »

Quote from: Don R on February 14, 2021, 09:44:38 PM

Fact ^

LOL no sh*t !

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #305 on:** February 15, 2021, 10:59:33 PM »

I remember sitting in a cell, charged with battery when it wasn’t my volt.
“I’m positive,” I said. “Wire my here? I wanna go ohm.” I felt drained, powerless.
It still hertz like it was yesterday.

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #306 on:** February 16, 2021, 10:23:13 PM »

150962919_426405438682914_2134357135335627490_o by Terry Prendergast, on Flickr

70CB750 · « **Reply #307 on:** February 17, 2021, 05:53:24 AM »

RAFster122s · « **Reply #308 on:** February 17, 2021, 11:18:21 PM »

Steamed buns are great!

Don R · « **Reply #309 on:** February 18, 2021, 07:42:11 PM »

Me to DR- Doctor, can you prescribe me something for sleepwalking?

DR- No, you need the exercise.

Don R · « **Reply #310 on:** February 18, 2021, 07:46:19 PM »

Sometimes during the weekend I only drink water, just to surprise my liver.

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #311 on:** February 18, 2021, 08:18:51 PM »

I can't drink water Don, fishes fcuk in it! You'll all remember no doubt when I smashed my face in when I was cleaning up clutch plates wit my wire wheel and one smacked me in the face?

It broke my nose and the bones on either side of my nose, punctured my left eye's retina etc. I staggered out of the garage and my son rang an ambulance while the wife tried to keep me from bleeding all over the carpet.

I arrived at the emergency ward, and this snooty British doctor walked in and said, "Hello Mr Prendergast, and what brings you here tonight?" I replied, "An ambulance Doc, but what's that got to do with it?".....

dave500 · « **Reply #312 on:** February 18, 2021, 11:48:51 PM »

my supervisor called me into his office and asked me if i had a criminal record,i replied yes,"chopper reads greatest hits"

dave500 · « **Reply #313 on:** February 18, 2021, 11:50:22 PM »

he replied do you have a war record,i said yep,"vera lynns white cliffs of dover"

Don R · « **Reply #314 on:** February 22, 2021, 06:06:15 PM »

A nervous carpenter got himself under a cast iron bathtub that rode up on the hanger boards, While I was trying to help him not get hurt, the board rolled out away from the wall and the corner of the 400 lb. tub landed on my little toe. It didn't fall off because the skin held it on. In the ER a genius doctor told me it wasn't broken after I heard him ask the nurse if I was a bathtub freak. He left just before getting punched in the face. I was told to put my shoe back on and go back to work. I just left.

HondaMan · « **Reply #315 on:** February 22, 2021, 07:16:39 PM »

Quote from: 70CB750 on February 09, 2021, 03:13:04 AM

I am sure this lightened somebody's day.

JAW-DROPPER!

dave500 · « **Reply #316 on:** February 23, 2021, 12:38:32 AM »

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming but I went back for seconds.

dave500 · « **Reply #317 on:** February 23, 2021, 12:39:06 AM »

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

dave500 · « **Reply #318 on:** February 23, 2021, 12:39:47 AM »

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #319 on:** February 23, 2021, 03:23:53 AM »

Did you hear about the Cessna that crashed into the Belfast Cemetary? So far they've recovered 377 bodies, and expect to find more...........

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #320 on:** February 25, 2021, 08:40:04 PM »

Racist joke of the day:

Wet phone fix by Terry Prendergast, on Flickr

Stolen from FB, so don't shoot the messenger.

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #321 on:** February 25, 2021, 08:58:18 PM »

My car keys ....
As I left the hardware store the other day, I was fumbling for my car keys and could not find them.
They weren't in my pockets.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.
The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife:
I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen.
There was a moment of silence.
I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" she barked, I dropped you off!
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me then".
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your f@#n car!"
"Welcome to the Golden Years"

grcamna2 · « **Reply #322 on:** February 25, 2021, 09:33:38 PM »

Quote from: Terry in Australia on February 25, 2021, 08:58:18 PM

My car keys ....
As I left the hardware store the other day, I was fumbling for my car keys and could not find them.
They weren't in my pockets.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.
The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife:
I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen.
There was a moment of silence.
I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" she barked, I dropped you off!
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me then".
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your f@#n car!"
"Welcome to the Golden Years"

Did this really happen ??

Terry in Australia · « **Reply #323 on:** February 25, 2021, 10:19:08 PM »

Ha ha, no idea Bill, stolen from FB!

grcamna2 · « **Reply #324 on:** February 25, 2021, 10:59:00 PM »

Quote from: Terry in Australia on February 25, 2021, 10:19:08 PM

Ha ha, no idea Bill, stolen from FB!

I thought that's what happened to you Terry !

News:

Author Topic: Joke, or mood lightener of the day. (Read 160788 times)