Topic: My Dad's Situation, "At Rehab" UPDATE!

[bill440cars]

Stick at it Billy, ya know we're all here for you to unload on. It allways helps to talk.

Sam.

          That I do Sam, That I do! And, believe me when I say that it really helps. From this thread, I've learned things, I've been reminded of things and, at times, I think that others have been helped by something that's been said or by being able to unload something that's bothering them. And THAT is so GREAT! Yep, we are Definitely a family! You Guys are ALL my brothers and the gals are my sisters. I am so thankful to be able to come here like this and get the support that you all have given me. I better get on with it, I've got to finish up and get to bed, got an early rise tomorrow so I can get away from her and get on down to my Dad's by 10 - 10:30
tomorrow morning. I want ALL the time I can get, so that we can get a plan of action formulated that, mainly, will do him justice and    , secondly, give me some peace of mind about Dad's being able to relax and just enjoy life.

[78 k550]

wow Bill,
I though I had alot going on. Nothing compaired to you.
I do hope it all work's out for the better.

Paul

[bill440cars]

wow Bill,
I though I had alot going on. Nothing compaired to you.
I do hope it all work's out for the better.

Paul

           Thanks Paul, I'm just trying to find that "Happy Medium" (I'd settle for an Almost "Happy Medium"). Not trying to see who could have the worse situation going, but I haven't thrown it all in here (a good portion mind you). Difference between my brother and myself is: I want Dad to have as peaceful and fulfilling of a life that he can, while he can.  My brother, on the other hand, would like to have my Dad in a nursing home where others can take care of him while my brother takes care of my Dad's home, money, things and vehicles. That pretty much says it all!

           Paul, I'm still praying for your Sister as well.  

                                Take care,  Bill    

           

[bill440cars]

Good to hear that bill...Pm in your box...

          Thanks Chris, I'm trying to get to it and then I've got to get to bed to prepare for Tomorrow. 

          Hope you are able to deal with your situation as well Chris.

                                      Take care guy, Bill    

[bill440cars]

       Well, I made it back. My Dad sure is getting thin and frail looking. His hair used to be grayish and now is white.   He hasn't been eating well either. He was kinda sluggish acting (brainwise) when I first got there and after I'd been there for a bit, it was if his brain started waking up and functioning. I may be wrong, but I'm thinking that he was that way because he doesn't have hardly any activity in his life and kinda goes back into "his shell" until someone actually pays attention to him and has some decent conversations with him. Isn't this possible, or am I just dodging the obvious?   I believe we're starting to put the finishing touches on this. He mentioned needing me back down soon, to take care of some things he'd been working on. He never really explained but He did mention the will and making sure everything was in my name. He went on to say that, when the time came, the door locks on the house would have to be changed immediately. And I told him that I knew that that would have to be done, for sure. I've gotten him thinking about getting things done so that he (mainly) and I (secondly) can have peace of mind and be more at ease. I took him the Cycle World (with the Indian in it) and the NEW Cycle World magazine that covers the Vintage Japanese bikes for him to browse through and left them. Overall, he liked the New Indian, but had comments about the engine (especially the head design), the exhaust, the seat and the air cleaner. We had a good time though, had Breakfast (for lunch) at Denney's and then he tried to pay for the meal! I was quick to remind him that this was his Birthday Meal and no way was he going to pay for it. I sure hated to leave.    

[333]

They always feel they have to pay.  I think it's a parent thing.

I've stayed away from this thread because I didn't know you all that well, and felt it wasn't my place to weigh in.  Now that I've been back in  the fold for over a year, and this thread is still kicking...  And forgive me if I say anything that's been covered.  I only read the first and last page.

Having been the one who handles some of the things in my life where it comes to elders(Mom 87, Mother-in-law 75), I can tell you something about them.  First, there's a big difference between Alzheimer's, and "word find".  Many Elders have trouble finding common words to express themselves, and is commonly confused with Alzheimer's.  And having trouble keeping up with finances is tough as well, especially if you're not the one doing it.  My wife handles all that, and I'm grateful, cause all that confuses me at 51!  And at least from what I've read on this page, it doesn't sound like Alzheimer's is the issue here.

We were lucky, in that long before it was a problem, my wife was chosen as executor for both her family and mine.  While I'm an only child, she is not.  And her sister(and husband/and child) is definitely one of the "what's in it for me" types.  Something to think about.

[bill440cars]

         333, I don't know of ANY thread on this place, that any one couldn't participate in. I promise you and anyone else, you all have  just as much right as anyone else to post on any of my threads.

           Yeah, anytime for years, that we went out to eat with my Mom & Dad, Dad always paid an THAT was it! Now days, he will either argue (playfully) with me about it or accept it or, sometimes he just reach out his hand for the bill and I can always tell when he means business. That's when I hand it to him.  

           He doesn't really seem to have trouble finding the words. This time, when I got there, he was thinking that he was still going to lunch with my brother and his wife and I was going to have to go with them. Sorry, there is NO way that that is going to happen, after all he has done to my Dad and also to me. I thought he was going to have to hear it from my brother or his wife, before he would fully realize it.   Then he finally said, well, okay. By the time we were getting in my minivan, he was already opening up and acting more like he should. There was no question about where he was eating or who with. Things got back to where they should be and stayed that way, the rest of the day. I really think it's like he settles back in a regressive like state (cause there is no attempt to visit with him or take him anywhere, except to the Doctor or such) and when someone tries to have some decent conversation with him and/or do things with him, he sort of "Comes Back To Life" like he should be. He doesn't get out, he sits home and plays Solitare on the pc (not hooked up to go on line and doesn't want to fool with that.) or watches TV. I might be the same way, if that was all I did.

            There have been several Executor Of The Will" before me and one after the First time I was it. Two of them died, on was my brother's daughter (she started running around on her husband, drained their bank account and left her husband and their baby and Dad removed her and that's where I came in, initially)

            Sounds more like a "Soap Opera" except, not funny.

            I just hope and Pray that we are going to get things settled, get my brother and wife out of the loop and that Dad can start really enjoying the rest of his life.            

[bill440cars]

    BTW, Earlier this year, I took my lawn mower and weedeater down there and was going to cut his grass, but he wanted to visit instead. So, I didn't do his yard work that time. Well, when I was there this time, his yard work needed attention desperately and, as I was leaving, I told him that the next time I came down (which won't be very far away) he just might as well sit down and watch cause I was going to cut that yard! He said ,"Okay" It was nearly as bad the last time I cut it last November. My brother's a little less than 10 years younger, he's got a (so-called) wife and a teenage son so there's NO reason that they can't keep him yard work done.    

[333]

Okay, I've just finished reading the entire thread, at least all of your posts.  And a thought popped into my head.  What about you and yours moving there instead of him moving to you.  I'm lucky, in that I never moved out of the area from my parents place.  And so, while my Dad's been gone since I was 18, I was able to keep his shop (sort of) the way it always was. Then, my family and I were renting a house on the same block for about 15 years, when the landlord wanted to move back into the area.  I was looking at having to move quite a distance away(30-40 minutes), and my Mom didn't want this.  So, on her own, she decided to move to an independent living place and give us the house.  She was getting too old to handle the house, and she knew it.  I never got to have a father/son relationship with him as an adult, But I appreciate being able to go downstairs into his shop every day.  And Mom's still only 10 minutes away.

Just something to think about.

[bill440cars]

         333, we had thought about moving down there, originally. Now, things are a bit more complicated. My wife and I work with "Special Needs" folks (mainly 2 young men and one of them does "Alternate Living" with us. that means that he lives with us, pays rent and we, in turn, take care of his needs, try to help him become as independent as   possible while helping him with things that he'll never be able to do by himself). My wife has suggested that I might be able to take leave time and go down to help Dad get things squared away and I've suggested that we could check out getting someone to come in several times a day to check on him and make sure he was alright (taking his medicine eating regularly, etc) I might possibly be able to get an adjusted work schedule or something. Finances are kinda tight and I'm going to have to be able to keep some kind of income coming in. By next March, I'll be old enough to draw Social Security and might not need as much income for myself. What I just said, might be looked on as being kinda personal by some, but I figure that I've put in my time and have earned the right to draw SS and plan to do so, even though it won't be the full amount yet. I just know that I've got to take care of my Dad cause, if I don't my brother will keep trying to put him in a Nursing Home.

           When I'm in his home which has a Double Depth 2-car garage (the rear portion is setup as a shop), I am taken back to the times when we were ALL there for Holidays and such. The property that the home and garage/shop is setting on, was originally 2 lots (1 lot was bought by my parents and another couple and the other lot was bought by my Grandparents and later, my Grandparents had passed on and their lot was passed on to Dad. Then the Husband of the couple that had half interest in the other lot, passed away and my parents bought out her half of their lot and had a modular home put on the combined lots, marking one of the bedrooms as her's for when ever she wanted to come up for a weekend visit. Now she's gone and my Mom is also gone and it's just my Dad in there. Anyway, we (Dad and I) are working on getting things to come together the way that he wants.

           Thanks for your input and sharing your experiences too.    

[bill440cars]

        Well, I'm working on another trip down to my Dad's next week. I'm going down there with some info, a list of things to clarify, my weed eater and lawn mower. When I return, I hope to have his lawn taken care of, I'm also hoping to convince him to put the CDs and what ever important papers in there. I've got to make sure that they haven't done a Power Of Attorney or anything else that will give them any control, if he can't take care of his own business. Thing is, I've got to convince him to take these steps to make sure that he doesn't get "Rail Roaded" by them. I just don't want him to get in bad shape (or worse) and THEM to, by whatever means, get complete control.

          Also, I need to find out about one of his medications. It's for Alzheimer's.   Now, I'm just not so sure that he even HAS Alzheimer's. And also, if he DOES have Alzheimer's, I need to make sure that whatever decisions he makes on what we (he & I) do, will be good and not kicked back because of the Alzheimer's (if he does have it). Any input here?     

[droopy]

you need to go see his doctor that perscribed the med in question an see if he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and if so you need to see a lawer . you will have to have him proven to be comptent

[bill440cars]

you need to go see his doctor that perscribed the med in question an see if he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and if so you need to see a lawer . you will have to have him proven to be comptent

          Appreciate the info droopy, I knew some of that and never have a problem with getting info I already know, cause there's always the possibility of getting some info that is needed. I was talking to him this evening (I've started calling him Every Single Day since I was there last Wednesday. He had given me a list of his meds (of which there was a med for Alzheimer's, but there has been a change in his medications and Dad says that he knew that one was for Alzheimer's and they have stopped the use of it.  My brother and his wife have had him evaluated on about 3 different occasions and he has always passed.   Maybe that's why they have stopped using that one drug (if, indeed, they have stopped that one). I'm working on seeing that Doctor and my Dad has NO problem with it either.

                               Thanks for your input,  Bill

[droopy]

no problem bill. just trying to help keep you one or two step's ahead

[troppo]

I was very surprised when i first saw this thread bill, wondered what the hell it was doing in this forum.
Now i look forward to seeing how things are going with you and your dad. I dont post in here much because i feel it would be rude if i wasnt able to help, so when i do post its because i think its something worth saying.
So all up i owe you an appology.
Your a good man bill and i`m guesssing your old man is too, good luck in sorting this out to a good end.
Cheers
Troppo

[bill440cars]

I was very surprised when i first saw this thread bill, wondered what the hell it was doing in this forum.
Now i look forward to seeing how things are going with you and your dad. I dont post in here much because i feel it would be rude if i wasnt able to help, so when i do post its because i think its something worth saying.
So all up i owe you an appology.
Your a good man bill and i`m guesssing your old man is too, good luck in sorting this out to a good end.
Cheers
Troppo

          Hey Troppo. Originally I put this out here because, I'd seen some others put in a thread about either a problem they themselves were having or a situation that was really getting them down and decided that maybe it would help me in mine. Not only have I been given some great support and advice from experiences, I've also gotten some great info along with some reminders of what I already knew and absolutely NO problem with that either. The participation in this thread is ALWAYS welcomed, as I consider you all to be "like Family", the same as some of you all do. And, if ANYTHING in this thread, helps any one else with something that they might be going through or if it helps someone to prevent a situation like this, then it has definitely been more than worthwhile. I knew I wasn't the only one to have problems like this and it has been reassuring to hear from those who had.

       BTW, I managed to do some pc work last night and found where both of the properties (my Dad's place AND where my brother & hid wife live) are still in my Dad's name and my Dad is paying the taxes as well. It just kills my soul, that my brother could live there for about 10 years now (at least) and not make a single payment, no down payment, not pay taxes or anything! And then, to have the nerve to even suggest that he should get nearly everything! Not to mention that he's had my dad's 93' Dodge Dakota since before my Mom died, which has been almost that long, then he got hid 2004 Dodge Grand Caravan SXT last year and to top it off by trying to put my Dad into a nursing home (so he would have complete control of him AND his assets and wouldn't have to take care of him) and try to cut me completely out of the picture.   Thing is, my brother is so stupid, he doesn't know that, if Dad went into the nursing home, ALL of his assets and properties would become under the control of the nursing home, to ensure that they would be paid. My brother may think he's smart and got ALL of the angles covered, but he's not THAT smart.

               There I go, I really didn't mean to get started up again. I was feeling pretty good about what my Dad and I were planning to do, about the visits we'd had and how he seemed to be more alert and all when I'm there. Also, I don't remember if I had mentioned it, but I have started calling him every day now and we talk for quite awhile each time. Thank you all for listening.  

                So, anyway Troppo, you nor anyone else, don't owe me an apology. Replies are always welcome here. I appreciate the kind words also. If I can be HALF the man my Dad is, I'm doing good!

[troppo]

Thanks bill.
If you think your not half the man your dad is then your dad is one hell of a bloke, from what i`ve read on what you do for him and others you have one of the biggest hearts i`ve ever known.
As far as the bastard brother, i know your dad may not be willing to do it but i would look into legal action to get all your dads property off him, if not the house at least the back taxes and value of it. Teach him that it costs to live and mooching off family is NOT acceptable behaviour.
Regardless of your intent, i would really look into some serious legal advice about your options regarding all this. Your dad deserves to have his twilight years in peace and not have to worry about some thieving bastard trying to get everything.
Cheers  mate and say G`day to your old man
Troppo

[DarkRider]

I would have to agree with Troppos advice. Hell when it comes to things that the sons get after the father passes away my Brother had plenty of time to come get the car he inherited however he delayed too long and i had no choice but to send it off along with the truck i had inherited due to the fact that both needed more work then i could deal with. So basicly what im sayin with this is the fact that my Brother is basicly the oppoisite of bills...hes just too lazy to come get his share...

[bill440cars]

Thanks bill.
If you think your not half the man your dad is then your dad is one hell of a bloke, from what i`ve read on what you do for him and others you have one of the biggest hearts i`ve ever known.
As far as the bastard brother, i know your dad may not be willing to do it but i would look into legal action to get all your dads property off him, if not the house at least the back taxes and value of it. Teach him that it costs to live and mooching off family is NOT acceptable behaviour.
Regardless of your intent, i would really look into some serious legal advice about your options regarding all this. Your dad deserves to have his twilight years in peace and not have to worry about some thieving bastard trying to get everything.
Cheers  mate and say G`day to your old man
Troppo

          Troppo, I do want to thank you for your kind words. Dad HAS talked about having them evicted, but I don't know that he'll ever do it and I understand that he hates that he would have to do something like that. I told him that if he wants to be able to relax and not have his life controlled by them (and not have to be concerned about them trying to have him found incompetent and end up in a Nursing Home), he's going to have to stop talking about it and take action. The sooner that he takes the actual steps, the sooner he can start enjoying the rest of his life. I'm trying to encourage him because we have no idea how much longer he has and I want him to be able to make the best of it. There are places that I would like him to see and things I would like for him to do (and Iknow he would enjoy those things, because I know his interests). And I will certainly tell him that you said "hello"

                        Thanks again,  Bill    

[bill440cars]

       Well, I WAS going down to see my Dad Wednesday and take some more steps to shut my brother and his wife down, while giving my Dad more peace of mind also. I gave my brother's wife a call about tomorrow (first time I've called ahead since this time last year and I only did it to throw them off) and it seems that Dad has an appointment on that day. I promptly called HIM and he had not been made aware of the appointment yet. He's getting tired of being shuffled around to a bunch of different Doctors for all kinds of things and wants me to be doing that, on an as needed basis! I'm doing some inquiring in several areas about several different things and hope to have some answers before long.

[DarkRider]

From what im reading of that...sounds a lot like your bro and sis in law are trying their hardest to aim him straight into the retirement home and get everything for free...

[bill440cars]

From what im reading of that...sounds a lot like your bro and sis in law are trying their hardest to aim him straight into the retirement home and get everything for free...

          Chris, that's exactly what they are trying to do and that's exactly what I'm trying to stop! My brother's been "Sponging" off of my parents since forever. That place where my brother calls home, was bought by my parents and he was supposed to pay them back with monthly payments, which he never has. Dad even pays taxes and all also. I've gotten to the point that I wish he would  have them evicted! I wasn't told about this for years and I know that they were too ashamed to think that he could even allow (and expect) them to do this. No telling how much he has gotten away with over the years (besides having a free house for about 10years, a free 93' Dodge Dakota 4 x 4 for the most part of 10 years or more and now, a 2004 Dodge Grand Caravan SXT since June of last year. BTW, the transfer case is out on the Dakota and guess who'll be expected to pay for that!)   Opps, didn't mean to get started.

                                   Later on. Bill

[DarkRider]

The Dakota could easily be a good way to start with forcing him to own up to his mistakes...like say either getting an estimate done and slapping it down on the table before him or having it towed away with him footing the bill...there still payments going on on the van? Have your dad transfer them to your brothers name...soon he will realise he will have to actually pay for the van..

[bill440cars]

The Dakota could easily be a good way to start with forcing him to own up to his mistakes...like say either getting an estimate done and slapping it down on the table before him or having it towed away with him footing the bill...there still payments going on on the van? Have your dad transfer them to your brothers name...soon he will realise he will have to actually pay for the van..

          Well, the Dakota is over at some guy's house, that my brother knows and it's just sitting out in the weather. Dad talks about getting in touch with the police department there, in Perryville and getting them (the Truck and the van) back. I really don't know what my Dad is making payments on, if anything, other the regular bills and maybe the place where my brother lives. Plus, I don't know if he's making payments on his own place or not. I have to tell you all, I am going through this to try to get things the way my Dad wants them to give him peace of mind and all, but it's going to make me rest easier too! I'm still stunned by the fact that there are folks who put their family members through pure hell over things like this.
Sure makes you wonder what ever happened to family values and respect for your parents (and other family members, for that matter).

          I'm tired, it's been a long day and I'm going to bed.

[BobbyR]

From what im reading of that...sounds a lot like your bro and sis in law are trying their hardest to aim him straight into the retirement home and get everything for free...

          Chris, that's exactly what they are trying to do and that's exactly what I'm trying to stop! My brother's been "Sponging" off of my parents since forever. That place where my brother calls home, was bought by my parents and he was supposed to pay them back with monthly payments, which he never has. Dad even pays taxes and all also. I've gotten to the point that I wish he would  have them evicted! I wasn't told about this for years and I know that they were too ashamed to think that he could even allow (and expect) them to do this. No telling how much he has gotten away with over the years (besides having a free house for about 10years, a free 93' Dodge Dakota 4 x 4 for the most part of 10 years or more and now, a 2004 Dodge Grand Caravan SXT since June of last year. BTW, the transfer case is out on the Dakota and guess who'll be expected to pay for that!)   Opps, didn't mean to get started.

                                   Later on. Bill

If Dad has title to the house and the cars he can get this off his back easily. He sells the house to someone else and that's that. If he is paying the cars and they are titled to your brother, he simply stops making the payments. The bank or whomever will take care of removing the car.  It may seem cold but that is what happens when Karma kicks in.