Topic: relationship advice please help

[77cafe750]

ok i have finally met a woman who makes me not think of all the bad things that has happened to me in the last couple years ... my friends even notice me smiling more and not being in a perpetually disgruntled mood
now my issue is how do i keep my self from constantly comparing her to sarah i dont try and do it it just happens

cyn has already made it clear that she understands what i have been through and i deserve to be happy and that she really likes me alot and would like to be more then just friends with benifets but she will not be compared to sarah

i am having trouble balanceing things here cyn makes me very happy happier then i feel i shoud be at times and scared to death of forgetting sarah
i want to move on i believe i deserve to be happy i am just not sure how to proceed
peace and thanks in advance crash

[CBJoe]

i want to move on i believe i deserve to be happy

Don't know the background to your story (and it seems there is one....), but I think you sum it up there.

I'm not sure anyone can actually tell you how to move on from one situation or another.  That is for you to decide.   Also, time has taught me that the worst thing to do is compare someone with an individual from a previous relationship... you'll always find yourself in an a continuing loop of what if's and could have's.

I really hope that I'm not speaking out of line without knowing the background (concerning Sarah)....

Also.... keep in mind that your decision on the matter doesn't just include you, but also the individual on the other side of the relationship.

I'd say that happiness triumphs over the past and dwelling on things can do no good (keeping in mind that there's a difference between remembering and dwelling).

Kind Regards, Joe

[mick7504]

There's an old saying mate, and a good one too.
"What you think, is what you feel"
If you think like sh1t, you'll feel like sh1t.
Believe in yourself and go hard for it.
Only you can change that.
Mick 

[77cafe750]

thanks joe i guess i should have added some background Sarah was the love of my life we were happily married for 4.5 years on dec14 2007 she suffered a fatal gunshot wound as the result of a drive by targeting our neighbors house i love loved her with all my heart nad have made some really stupid choices since then and have been blaming myself for a long time and not letting myself be happy
now i have found someone who makes me happy again and i am scared i will lose the feelings that i still have for SARAH
i dont know my heart is all confused and twisted and really dont have anyone to talk to and this forum kinda feels like a family to me

[CBJoe]

There's an old saying mate, and a good one too.
"What you think, is what you feel"
If you think like sh1t, you'll feel like sh1t.
Believe in yourself and go hard for it.
Only you can change that.
Mick 

]

Agreed

[77cafe750]

am trying to get back to my upbeat self

[CBJoe]

 i am scared i will lose the feelings that i still have for SARAH

I'm a firm believe that you never loose something that, but you do have to find a place to file away and move on.  I would NEVER want my wife to linger on such a thing for me... I would expect her to move on and find whatever she can to make her truly happy (another marriage or 50 cats.... doesn't matter to me  ).

Cheers, joe

[77cafe750]

  thanks for the smile joe glad i am a motorcycle person and not a cat person or there would probly be 50 cats here lol

[lowflyingdutchman]

Besides. You'll probably need a bigger place for your 50 bikes.

[Uncle Ernie]

I imagine you'll always love and miss Sarah.  I still miss the Big One of (counting on my fingers...)  I guess about 30 years ago.  I still see her padding around in her bare feet, her laugh, her talent for telling stories about what happened that day, even a couple of arguments.

OTOH- are you or Cyn on a schedule?  Any deadlines?  What's your rush?  Find someone else to talk about Sarah with, and when your with Cyn, be with Cyn.  If you find yourself wishing she is something different, wish she was this or that, then you're not ready for a relationship.  People are just like an auction; you get then as is, where is.  They are not going to change.  You can't change them.  They are who and what they are RIGHT NOW.

So, my avuncular advice is, If you don't know what to do- sit down.  Don't do a damn thing.  Be nice to Cyn and get to know her.  Don't be screwing around with her, either.  Sex screws things up and confuses the issues.  Be a pleasure to be around.  Wouldn't it be nice if she looked forward to seeing you.  ?

[Frankenkit]

+1.  Sex complicates things.  I dare say it especially complicates women.  Guys can have a friendly screw.  Women really form emotional bonds after intimacy, as much as they may try to say otherwise.  Be careful there.

[GammaFlat]

I dated a girl whose husband of 2 or 3 years died in an accident about a year before we dated.  I was warned by more than one person about the whole notion of never being able to compete with a ghost.  This young lady was fantastic about it and only spoke of her former husband when asked and was open but never made me feel uncomfortable with what she said.  I'd bet she got good advice from someone about how to handle relationships after losing her spouse.  From my perspective, she well exceeded my expectations in that regard.  Your new girlfriend and you both deserve that. 

[77cafe750]

thanks for the replies i am trying to do my best this is a very akward place that i wouldnt want anyone to be in
i look forward to spending more time with her
and it is very nice to smile again and not feel guilty about
you guys really are like my second family on here
thanks crash

[Frankenkit]

well... sort of a dysfunctional family at times.
Peace, man.

[77cafe750]

a very dysfunctional family at time lol 

[seaweb11]

"People can only see what you allow them to see."

I say just be positive and try and move forwards.   Good luck man.

[Gordon]

You never forget someone that special or lose the feelings you have for them, you can only build on top of them with the new experiences you have and new people you come to love. 

What would you have wanted Sarah to do if the tables had been turned?   

[Don R]

Wow, I can't add much of anything to what has been said, but I think I speak for all of us when I wish you the best.

[flybox1]

Tragic story man.  i cant imagine that happening to me/my wife.  
Do yourself, and Cyn a favor. Go seek professional help/councelling.
Im not saying this to be a d!ck. i'm speaking from experience.
I had 2 guys die right in front of me, and almost died myself.
No, they werent the loves of my life    but a councellor/psych, who, on a daily basis, helps people deal with tragedy, will probably have the tools to help you understand why you feel the way you do, how it effects your behavior and the people around you.  It helped me.

all the best...

[Jordan]

I feel for ya, I would say that you are confusing feelings with memories in regards to your statement about the fear of losing them. Rest assured you will never forget her. If this woman and you truly care for each other then you both deserve to be happy and should develop a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, trust and of course a whole lota luvin. Good luck

[77cafe750]

again thanks for all the advice i wish i could afford to go to some coinselling